When Should You Walk Away after Infidelity?

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Does an affair spell the end of a relationship? Not always

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• Signs It's Time to Leave
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• Can the relationship survive?
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• Reasons to Stay
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• How to Move Forward

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Few things in life are more painful than finding out your partner or spouse has been unfaithful. When the person you loved and trusted most hurts you that way, it can be extremely hard to repair the relationship—but it might not be impossible. So how do you know if the relationship is salvageable? With the help of our experts, we’ve developed a guide to understanding when to walk away from your relationship or marriage after your partner has been unfaithful. Read it below.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Steven Hesky. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

• It may be time to end the relationship or marriage if your partner isn’t remorseful for their infidelity, if they don’t take steps to repair the relationship, or if they continue to lie.
• Relationships can survive after infidelity. It takes time, patience, and understanding to rebuild the trust that was shattered, but it’s possible.
• Your relationship may be salvageable if you still love your partner, if you have otherwise high relationship satisfaction, and if you have children together.

Steps

Section 1 of 4:

Signs It's Time to Walk Away

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1. 
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   Your partner isn’t remorseful. After such a betrayal, the least your partner can and must do is sincerely apologize. If they don't say they're sorry, or if they seem to think one apology will resolve the issue, it could be a sign they don’t respect your feelings about the situation. Moving forward from infidelity requires that the cheating partner be sorry for their actions and seek to make amends.

   • Your partner must not only apologize, but it must be sincere. A sincere apology will focus on their behavior, rather than on your feelings about their behavior (e.g., “I’m sorry I cheated” instead of “I’m sorry you feel hurt”).
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   Your partner won’t go to counseling. Many couples attend couples therapy when their relationship is on shaky ground, and that includes after infidelity. If your partner refuses to attend couples counseling, it’s a sign they aren’t committed to repairing the relationship.

   • You and your partner may also benefit from individual counseling in addition to couples counseling.
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   Your partner doesn’t put in the work. After infidelity, the offending partner has the duty to try to fix the relationship as best as they can. Even then, it may not be salvageable. But if you’re the only one putting in work to repair the relationship, consider that it may not be worth repairing.

   • Putting in the work involves taking the lead: if your partner is only working on the relationship at your insistence, it may be a sign to step back from the relationship.
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   Your partner is still in contact with the person they cheated with. If your partner refuses to end things with the person they cheated with, it’s not necessarily a sign they’re going to cheat again—but it’s a very definitive sign they don’t respect your feelings. A cheater partner who is determined to repair their relationship will cut ties with the person they had an affair with.

   • In specific circumstances, it may not be feasible for your partner to cut off all ties with the person they cheated with—for instance, if it’s a coworker and they can’t get a new job. Still, your partner must limit contact as much as possible.
   • In relationships where one person has betrayed the other’s trust, the hurt partner may ask the cheater for open access to their phone, email, and social media to be sure they’re not still in contact with the person they cheated with.
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   Your partner lies all the time. If your partner lies about their whereabouts, hides their phone, or participates in any other dishonest activity after cheating, it may be a sign they aren’t committed to reforming. Even if their lies (including lies of omission) aren’t covering up continued infidelity, it’s a sign they aren’t trustworthy, nor are they committed to repairing your faith in them.
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   Your partner blames their actions on other people. Problems in relationships are rarely black and white. But if your partner blames you, the person they cheated with, or any other circumstances for their behavior, it’s a sign they aren’t able or willing to be held accountable for the pain they caused. If they won’t take responsibility, it’ll be very hard to move forward in the relationship.
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   Your other loved ones encourage you to leave. Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees—in other words, you may have a hard time seeing the reality of your relationship, and an outside perspective can help you gain some clarity on the big picture. Share your concerns with a trusted loved one, such as a friend or parent, and consider their views on the matter.

   • Remember, your loved ones may have valuable insight, but ultimately, nobody can tell you the right path to take but you.
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   Your partner has a history of cheating. The adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true. However, if your partner already has a history of cheating, whether in your current relationship or in previous relationships, it's possible infidelity will be a recurring issue if you choose to stay together.

   • In some instances, a person who cheats more than once could be a sex addict. Even if this applies to your partner, it's not an excuse to cheat.
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   Your relationship was already rocky. Sometimes, infidelity is just the last straw in a relationship that was already having trouble. If you and your partner were considering ending things before they had an affair, it's possible the infidelity was a symptom of a larger problem and a sign that your relationship may have an expiration date.

   • Remember, just because your relationship may have already been in danger, it doesn't mean your partner was "right" to cheat. There's no excuse for infidelity.
   • If your relationship was already rocky, it's not an automatic sign you and your partner need to break up: instead, your partner's infidelity could be a wakeup call that the relationship needs some attention in order to thrive.
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    You no longer love your partner. Infidelity is a heartbreaking betrayal, and anger, frustration, and pain are extremely common reactions. But if your anger and resentment don't go away, and if they've replaced the love you once held for your partner, it might be a sign you'd both be better off apart.

    • You're likely to feel anger and sadness no matter what, but if you still love and care about your partner, you may be able to more beyond those feelings in time.
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Section 2 of 4:

Can a relationship survive infidelity?

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1. 
   Couples can move past infidelity by rebuilding trust. Many couples don't move past cheating. However, many are able to recover after infidelity, and in some cases, they may come out the other side closer than before, As long as both partners love each other and are willing to commit to moving forward and healing, the relationship stands a chance.

   • Some couples who attend regular couples counseling after infidelity report greater relationship satisfaction than they had prior to the infidelity.

Section 3 of 4:

Reasons Not to End the Relationship

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1. 
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   You’re otherwise happy in the relationship. If you’ve been together a long time and your relationship or marriage has been otherwise really great, it may be worth saving. Have a conversation with your partner or spouse about their motivations behind their infidelity.

   • Another way to think about this is to ask yourself: Would you be happier leaving the relationship? If the answer is yes, it may be time to leave.
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   You still love your partner. Consider how you feel for your significant other after they cheat. You likely feel angry, hurt, betrayed—but do you still love them, or do you feel resentful or apathetic? If you still love them, the relationship may be worth repairing. If you only feel resentment and bitterness toward them, it may be time to walk away.
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   Your partner has never cheated before. If this is the only time your partner or spouse has cheated, it may have been a one-time mistake that they regret deeply and that you both can move on from. If your partner has cheated at least once before, it doesn’t automatically mean you need to give up on the relationship, but it’ll probably be more challenging to rebuild the trust.
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   You have children together. If you have children with your partner, ending your relationship can take a toll on them. This doesn't mean you can't break up, and in some cases, breaking up or divorcing is the best option. But even so, ending your relationship with your partner can affect your children’s sense of stability and the way they view relationships as they grow up.

   • Breaking up will have a massive effect on your children’s day-to-day lives. It may mean they see one or both of you less regularly, or they have to split their time between 2 homes.
   • That said, your children will be OK if you do opt to end the relationship, and in some cases, they may be better off in the long run if your relationship or marriage really isn't healthy. It’s important to consider the effect a breakup will have on them, but don’t ignore reasons to leave because you’re worried about your kids.
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Save Your Relationship after Infidelity

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1. 
   1
   Have an open conversation with your partner about their infidelity. Ask your partner any questions you have about the affair. An open conversation will be hard for you both, but complete honesty is the only way to repair some of the trust that was broken.

   • It may also help to shed some light on why they felt compelled to cheat.
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   Find ways to cope with your frustration. No matter how sorry your partner is, you won’t feel better immediately. In fact, the pain of their betrayal may come back again and again—though it’ll likely gradually lessen as time goes on. When you’re feeling frustrated, bitter, angry, or hurt, you can talk to your partner, but find additional ways to cope with your feelings, such as hobbies, exercise, spending time with friends, and other activities to promote personal wellness and offer a distraction from your emotions.
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   Avoid dwelling on the infidelity. It's so hard not to ruminate on past pain. Whether it’s with your partner or your support system, talking through the infidelity is essential to helping you heal—but at a point, talking can become dwelling, and dwelling may hinder the healing process. Try to restrict the amount of time you spend talking or thinking about the affair and make an attempt to avoid reliving the infidelity. It's a kindness to yourself: you don't need to keep the wound open. Let it heal.

   • Consider inviting people in your support group to let you know if they feel you're ruminating and if they think you could benefit from taking a break from the subject.
   • Try to set aside 20 minutes a day to think about the affair. When you find yourself ruminating outside of this 20-minute period, accept that you’re dwelling and try not to be too hard on yourself. Try to distract yourself from your thoughts, or meditate to practice being more mindful and to keep your thoughts from racing.
   • Limiting time to dwell isn't just healthy for the offended party, but for the person who cheated, as well. If they're committed to making amends for their behavior, they may suffer with extreme shame and guilt. Meditation and distraction can help them overcome their own tendency to ruminate.
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   Plan date nights with your partner. Building and maintaining intimacy is essential to a healthy relationship. When you're hurting, spending quality time with your partner may be the last thing you want to do, but scheduling regular date nights to talk and grow closer to one another is one of the best ways to rebuild the trust and intimacy you lost.

   • Date night doesn't have to be pricy or elaborate, and it doesn't even have to be at night: it might be as simple as carving out an extra hour to have coffee together every morning or going for a walk together on your lunch break. The important thing is that you and your partner are prioritizing your relationship and dedicating regular quality time to one another.
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   Seek couples counseling. Many couples see a therapist when their relationship is going through a rough period, and that includes infidelity. Ask your partner to attend couples therapy with you. Your therapist will be try to help you both repair your trust, communicate about what may have led to the infidelity, and work toward increasing intimacy.

   • Consider combining a date night (or date afternoon) with therapy: after a session, stop for coffee with your partner to talk about how therapy went.
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   Entrust your partner with small tasks. Giving your partner small responsibilities, like making dinner or planning a date night, can help you slowly regain trust in them. Start by giving them low-stakes responsibilities and gradually move up to bigger ones, like planning a vacation for the 2 of you.

   • Try not to think of this as "testing" your partner. Instead, think of it as going back to the beginning of your relationship. As time goes on, you'll slowly relearn how to rely on your partner, just as if it's a new relationship (because, in some ways, it is).
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   Try to forgive your partner. Forgiving your partner for the ultimate betrayal is way easier said than done, we know. But forgiving them for what they did is essential to moving beyond their infidelity. If they're worth staying with, they're extremely remorseful, but making amends is, unfortunately, a 2-way street: it's not enough for them to be sorry for their actions; letting go of any anger, sadness, and resentment is essential in order for you both to move on and have a healthy, thriving partnership.

   • Remember that forgiveness isn't a one-and-done thing, but an ongoing process, and just because you've chosen to forgive your partner one day, it doesn't mean you won't ever feel anger or sadness again at what they've done.
   • Take it day by day, and keep the lines of communication open with your partner. If they're truly committed to making amends, they'll understand that forgiveness isn't a linear process, and they'll try to support you as you navigate complex emotions.
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Quiz

How.com.vn Quiz: Should We Break Up?

You aren’t feeling super happy or comfortable in your relationship—but is it really time to end things, or are you two just going through a rough patch? While the future of your relationship is ultimately in your hands, you’re not alone as you wrestle with this tough question. Take this quiz to get a second opinion on the status of your relationship—and whether it’s worth sticking things out or not.

1 of 15

Describe your current relationship in a single word:

Suffocating.

Difficult.

Lackluster.

Healthy.

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