How to Trust Your Teenager

Earning trust takes time, and learning to trust your teen requires an open mind. Set them up for success by teaching them about trust and modeling trustworthy behavior. To cultivate a trusting bond with your teen, strike a balance between your rules and their independence. Respect their privacy, enforce clear rules, and give them a role in the rule-making process. Breaches of trust are normal, so don’t take it personally if your teen disobeys or breaks their word. Use these situations as teaching moments, and give your teen opportunities to regain your trust.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Teaching Your Teen about Trust

1
Explain what trust is using specific examples. Trust is an abstract concept, and concrete examples can give your teen a better understanding how to be trustworthy. Tell them that someone who is trustworthy is honest, reliable, and fulfills promises.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Say, “A person shows that they’re trustworthy when they keep their word. If you always do your chores when you say you will, I can trust that you’ll fulfill your responsibilities. If you rarely do your chores, I won’t believe you if you promise that you’ll do them.”
2
Describe good decision-making strategies. Teens can be impulsive, so talk to your child about techniques that can help them make trustworthy choices. Examples of good strategies include pausing to think before acting, brainstorming possible outcomes of a decision, and imagining how their actions affect others.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Say, “Suppose a friend invites you over after school, and they tell you their parents aren’t home. You have a club meeting after school, but you could blow it off and hang out with your friend without telling me.”
- Ask them to think about potential consequences of their decision, such as, “What would happen if I found out you went without my permission? What if you or your friend did something dangerous and got hurt? Would you get in trouble for ditching your club?”
- Suggest that they stop to think about potential consequences in this manner whenever they need to make a decisions.
- Allow your teenage to give input on some decisions that you make. This will show that you trust their opinion. For example, get their opinion on new furniture, family vacations, and dinner plans.
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3
Identify and praise decisions that demonstrate trustworthiness. Be on the lookout for praiseworthy behaviors, and point them out at every opportunity. Praise your teen for behaviors such as following your rules and completing tasks when they said they would.^{[3]XResearch source}
- For example, if they unload the dishwasher without being told, say, “Thanks for keeping up with your chores without being reminded.”
- When they’re out with friends and they call to check in as you asked, say, “I appreciate it. You’re showing that I can trust you.”
- If they promised to put in extra work to bring their math grade up, say, “Great job! I’m proud of you for keeping your word,” when they do well on their test.
4
Model trustworthiness for your child. If you tell your teen you’ll do something for them, do your absolute best to keep your word. Keep promises you make to others, follow your family rules, and avoid blowing off responsibilities.^{[4]XResearch source}
- For example, suppose you promised you’d go to your child’s game, but decide you don’t feel like going. Your child will feel betrayed, and they might think that blowing off responsibilities is acceptable behavior.
- If you don’t follow your own rules about putting phones away during dinner, your child won’t trust you, want to earn your trust, or think it’s important to follow rules.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Balancing Boundaries and Freedom

1
Respect your teen’s privacy. Don’t barge into your teen’s room without knocking, eavesdrop on their conversations, or read their texts and emails. Teens need space and independence, and intruding on their privacy gets in the way of a trusting relationship.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Don’t spy or pry unless absolutely necessary, such as if your teen is using drugs or is in danger or hurting themselves or others.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Expect your teenager to respect your privacy as well. Reinforce what boundaries you need for your own personal space. For example, tell them to ask you before using your personal cell phone.
2
Establish check-in routines to monitor them without being intrusive. While respecting your child’s privacy is important, you still need to monitor them. For example, they should ask for permission to go out, tell you about where and with whom they’re going, and check in with you while they’re gone.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Try to make check-ins part of a normal routine. Tell them, “I respect your independence, but your safety is still important to me. I don’t need to know everything about what you do, but I do need you to check in with me regularly.”
- Do your best to get to know your child’s friends, and communicate with their friends’ parents. You’ll have a better idea of what your teen is doing when they’re out without intruding on their privacy.
3
Involve them in the rule-making process. Teens respond better to rules when they’re allowed to provide input. While you’re in charge of setting rules and goals, let your teen make choices about the finer details.^{[8]XResearch source}
- For example, instead of saying, “You have to study right now,” or “Clean your room right this minute,” say, “You need to clean your room by the end of the weekend. You can decide when, but it needs to be done by Sunday night.”
- Letting them decide how and when to meet your expectations gives them opportunities to earn your trust. Remind them that if they don’t fulfill their end of the bargain, you’ll have to enforce more rigid rules.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Breaches of Trust

1
Expect occasional breaches of trust. Try not to take breaches of trust personally. Pushing boundaries and breaking rules are normal, and teens act out in order to test their independence.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Don’t define them based on their bad decision by saying, “You’re untrustworthy,” or “I’ll never trust you again.” Almost all teens act impulsively and succumb to peer pressure. Making a mistake, even a major one, doesn’t mean they can’t earn back your trust.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Make sure your teenager understands what a major breech of trust is and what consequences will result. For example, a major breech may be taking drugs or skipping school. These should be enforced with consistent consequences.
2
Set reasonable, related consequences for broken rules. Sometimes poor choices lead to natural negative consequences, which can be great teaching tools. When rule breaking doesn’t lead to natural consequences, impose your own consequences that are related to the misbehavior.^{[11]XResearch source}
- For example, if they steal the car and get into a fender bender, they’ll lose their driving privileges have to pay for repairs.
- If they were texting when they got into the accident, replace their phone with one that doesn’t have texting and internet access.
3
Ask them how they can regain your trust. Regaining your trust is more complicated than merely dealing with the consequences of their actions. Instead of lecturing your child about how they need to be more mature or compliant, use the situation as a teaching moment. When you’re both calm, talk to them about concrete actions that build trust.
- Start the conversation by making sure they understand that their actions hurt you. Ask your teen, “How do you think your actions have affected my ability to trust you? What would you do if someone promised you something, but didn’t keep their word?” You might even ask, "How would you feel if one of your friends did this to you?"
- Ask them, “In general, how does someone show that they’re trustworthy? What are some particular ways you could earn back my trust?”
4
Come up with a practical plan together. If they have trouble coming up with actions that help build trust, give them some ideas. Discuss how they can make amends for their specific betrayal and fulfill obligations to regain your trust over time.^{[12]XResearch source}
- For example, if they stole the car and got into an accident, getting a part-time job and paying off the repairs is the first step to making amends.
- Over time, following your house rules, completing chores at home, and checking in when they go out can demonstrate that they care about earning your trust.
- Keeping their grades up and performing well at their part-time job can show that they understand the importance of being reliable and responsible.
5
Do your best to let your teen earn your trust. It isn’t easy to get over feelings of betrayal, especially if your child’s offense was major. Remember not to take their actions personally, and try to focus on moving forward with your relationship.
- Try to recognize when they make an effort to win back your trust. Let them know when they do something commendable to encourage good choices in the future.
- If you’re not seeing progress, if they’re not remorseful, or if you’re having a hard time coping with your feelings, it might be time to find a local family counselor.
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Help Talking to Your Teen

Encouraging Your Teen to Be Open with You

Checking In with a Teenager

Conversation with a Teen about a Breach of Trust

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Tips

While occasional breaches of trust are to be expected, frequent disobedience, self-harm, violence towards others, destruction of property, or drug and alcohol use are causes for concern. If you’re dealing with any of these issues, ask your teen’s pediatrician or look online for a nearby counselor.^{[13]XResearch source}
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