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This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 6,265 times.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult, yet picking up the pieces to recovery can be just as difficult, if not more so. If you're struggling with an inability to trust others after experiencing verbal abuse, know that you're not alone. Many people have difficulty trusting others after they experience abuse. Examine and work through your thoughts and feelings first. Practice skills to help you regain trust. Finally, don't be afraid to reach out for support. While it may take some time, know that you can do it.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Managing Your Emotions
Cut ties with your abuser. Whether you want to show them how much better off you are or you want to offer forgiveness, it's best to consider the person part of your past and not your present. Delete the person's phone number, social media profile, email address, etc. It's difficult to experience a sense of closure until all ties are severed.[1]- While you may be tempted to hold out hope that the person might change, it's best to accept the situation and move on. It's highly unlikely the person will change and it's not fair for you to wait around hoping they will after you've been continuously hurt. Holding out hope might damage your trust further.
Process your emotions. It's likely the person who verbally abused you minimized your emotions. Now is the time to start feeling like emotions are okay to feel and that they are valid. While your emotions may feel unpleasant, don't run away from them. Acknowledge them and work through them.[2] A therapist can help you work through your emotions and work through any trauma you may experience.[3]- By processing your emotions, you're letting yourself know that feelings are okay and that you don't ever have to run from them.
- When feelings about the abuse come up, acknowledge them and allow yourself to accept them. Practice mindfulness to stay present in the moment and cope with your feelings without feeling overwhelmed.[4]
Express your feelings. Expressing your emotions can help you feel secure and safe in expressing yourself. Once you can feel okay at expressing yourself and feeling what you feel, you can begin to let others see these things, too. Whether you feel anger, sadness, guilt, shame, or longing, acknowledge the feeling and express it in a healthy and productive way.- Write in a journal, cry, scream, punch a pillow, or do whatever else that helps you to release and express your own emotions.
- Express your feelings through music, art, or another activity.
- Start a class in kickboxing or martial arts to help you physically work through your emotions. Working out will also help you get stronger, which will help you feel more in control.
Listen to your thoughts. You might have begun to internalize the verbal abuse on yourself. If you notice negative thoughts about yourself or your own self-worth, ask yourself, “Is this my voice or somebody else's? Do I actually believe this thought?” If the thoughts are overly negative about yourself (or other people), ask yourself whether they are true and valid.[5]- If your thoughts are overly self-critical or distrustful, take a moment and assess the situation. Why might you feel this way and in what way are these thoughts affecting you?
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Engaging in Skills and Activities
Learn self-soothing. Your body and mind may be on high alert after dealing with an abusive person. If you are having problems regulating your emotions and become distrustful of every person you meet, try some gentle self-soothing techniques.[6] When your emotions or thoughts start to 'freak out,' engage one of your soothing practices to help calm yourself down.- For example, try deeply breathing and connecting to your breath. You can also connect to your body and sensations to bring you back to the present moment.[7]
Give yourself time. Just because you want to trust others doesn't mean you can do it right away. It's likely you are in 'self-preservation mode' and are trying your best just to survive. Give yourself time and recognize the small victories you experience. You're allowed to express any and all emotions that come up regarding the relationship and moving on with your life.[8]- Jumping right back in with a new relationship can be a mistake. You may not be emotionally ready or able to be in a relationship. Take things slowly and recognize that it takes time to heal.
Regain your sense of self-trust. You might feel like nobody will want you as a friend or as a romantic partner because your abuser didn't want you. Recognize that your abuser put traits onto you that likely don't exist. To begin to trust others, begin to trust yourself.- Start by trusting your 'gut instinct' about people. If someone doesn't feel trustworthy, move on and don't worry about it. If someone does feel trustworthy, listen to your gut and feel the person out.[9]
Engage in normal activities. The thought of having a 'normal' life may feel distant and unfamiliar. Yet, as you recover from the verbal abuse, make some efforts to engage in social activities. Even if you don't want to, make an effort to go out and do normal things with other people. This can help you distance yourself from your experience and recognize that you can perhaps even enjoy yourself with others.[10]- Go to a painting class, parade, or holiday party. If you're feeling nervous, ask a friend or family member to go with you.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Getting Support
Join a support group. Especially if you feel isolated and alone, a support group can help you meet others in your community that have endured similar experience as you. It can feel freeing to share your experience and unite with others who have lived through similar experiences. It's nice to know that you are not alone and that others understand.[11]- Hearing how other people cope and build trust with others can help to inspire you and give you tools to work with.
- Additionally, it can be supportive to hear that others are also taking their time as they build back their trust.
See a therapist. If trusting others is a major barrier in your life and you cannot seem to reach out to others or share any part of yourself, you may benefit from therapy. A therapist can help you talk about your feelings and build trust with other people. It can be beneficial to have a professional help you recover from the abuse and guide you toward recovery.[12]- Work with a domestic abuse specialist who can help you work through the abuse.[13]
- Call your insurance provider, local mental health clinic, or general physician for a referral. You can also ask for a recommendation for a therapist from family and friends.
Consider EMDR. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) helps to engage both sides of your brain and unfreeze traumatic or negative memories. It's often used alongside cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) to work through traumatic experiences effectively.[14]- Seek out an EMDR specialist in your community. For more information about EMDR, check out How to Prepare Yourself for EMDR Therapy.
Reach out for social support. Abusive people tend to minimize the contact you experience with others. If you feel isolated and alone, reach out for support.[15] Call up old friends, even if it's been a while. Reach out to family members who love you and care about you. Start with a small circle of people who have already established your trust.- If you need to talk about the situation and the abuse, confide in someone you know you can trust and who will support you.
- If a friend or family members blames you for the abuse or minimizes your experience, talk to someone else. It's important for you to feel heard and understood.
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References
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/21/how-to-get-over-a-verbally-abusive-relationship/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/21/how-to-get-over-a-verbally-abusive-relationship/
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm#isolate
- ↑ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/09/emotional-effects-abuse/
- ↑ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2015/05/how-to-recover-from-emotional-trauma-of-domestic-abuse/
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm#isolate
- ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/2012/05/emotionally-recovering-from-an-abusive-relationship/
- ↑ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/09/emotional-effects-abuse/
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm#isolate
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm#isolate
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-treatment.htm
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/21/how-to-get-over-a-verbally-abusive-relationship/
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm#isolate
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/21/how-to-get-over-a-verbally-abusive-relationship/
About this article
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 6,265 times.
Co-authors: 6
Updated: May 25, 2021
Views: 6,265
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 6,265 times.
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