How to Tell a Previous Partner About an STI

Reaching out to an ex-partner about an STI can be scary and uncomfortable. As awkward as it may be, it's a really important conversation to have with your ex so that they can get tested, receive treatment if necessary, and stay safe. Don’t worry—by preparing ahead of time and approaching the situation in the right way, you can make the conversation easier for both of you.

Question 1 of 6:

How should I prepare for the conversation?

Do plenty of research beforehand. Study up a little bit on the possible symptoms and side effects of the STI in question. Look up some testing options in the area, which will make the news a lot less overwhelming. The more information you have going into the conversation, the easier time you’ll have.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Some STIs, like syphilis, gonorrhea, pubic lice, and chlamydia, are totally curable and go away with antibacterial or antiparasitic treatments.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Others, like herpes, HPV, and hepatitis B and C are manageable with certain medications and treatments.
- Your regular doctor can test you quickly, or you can stop by a clinic instead.^{[3]XResearch source}
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Question 2 of 6:

What’s the best way to tell my previous partner?

1
Get straight to the point. Unfortunately, there’s no magic formula or explanation that will really cushion the blow for your ex-partner. Without mincing words, tell your ex that you have an STI, and that they should get tested to be safe. Don’t feel like you need to share a lot of personal info about your discovery—just let them know that they should visit a clinic to get tested when they can.^{[4]XResearch source}
- You can say something like, “There’s no easy way to say this, but I tested positive for herpes the other day. I don’t know when I got it, but you should get tested just to be safe.”
- If you’re really scared or unsure of what to say, try practicing the conversation with a trusted friend before you talk to your ex.^{[5]XResearch source}
- This can be really hard, but do your best to stay calm, confident, and neutral when you talk to them. Pick a time and place when you can have privacy and won’t be interrupted.
- You don’t have to tell them in-person. If it’s easier, you can text them, call them, or shoot them an email instead.^{[6]XResearch source}
It’s perfectly valid if you’re feeling irritated or angry, especially if you suspect that you got the STI from your ex. Try to stay calm during the conversation and stick to the facts, instead. Throwing blame around will only make the conversation more uncomfortable than it already is.^{[7]XResearch source}
3
Be prepared for the possibility of a bad reaction. Unfortunately, there’s no sure way to know how your ex will respond. They might be really upset, or they might shift the blame over to you. Whatever happens, don’t take their reaction to heart. You’re doing the best thing possible by letting your ex know, and that’s what matters most.^{[8]XResearch source}
- If you act like you’re expecting them to react well, it’s more likely that they will. If you act calm and confident but also supportive and caring, they’ll pick up on it.^{[9]XResearch source}
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Question 3 of 6:

Is there a way to tell them anonymously?

1
Use the “Tell Your Partner” system to let them know anonymously. Visit the main website and select the “email” or “text” option. Put in your ex-partner’s information, and let them know which STI they should be tested for. The website will take care of the rest!^{[10]XResearch source}
- You can find the system here: https://tellyourpartner.org.
A lot of sexual health clinics are willing to pass along the bad news, as long as they have your ex-partner’s contact info. You can also ask your regular doctor’s office if they’d be willing to give your ex a call.^{[11]XResearch source}
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Question 4 of 6:

How many partners do I need to tell?

As a rule of thumb, contact anyone you’ve been intimate with in the past several months.^{[12]XResearch source} Certain STIs, like gonorrhea and chlamydia, are only a risk to people you’ve had sex with within the past 3 months. Other STIs, like HIV, can go back longer. Call your doctor to get a more exact estimate for your diagnosis.^{[13]XResearch source}

Question 5 of 6:

Do you have to tell past partners about your STI?

1
You should tell all of your recent partners about your STI. This can be a tricky, uncomfortable conversation, and it’s totally understandable if you’re dreading reaching out to your past partners. However, this conversation is really important—according to medical professionals, many STIs are easy to treat and manage if they’re diagnosed early on. The sooner you tell your partner, the sooner they can get tested, and potentially treated.^{[14]XResearch source}
- If your ex has an STI, they should tell their past partners as well. It’s up to you to get that ball rolling!
2
STIs can lead to very bad health issues, so it’s important to give your ex-partner a heads-up. Certain STIs, like syphilis, can do serious damage to a person’s nervous and cardiovascular systems. Other STIs can lead to infertility or birth complications, as well as certain kinds of cancer. Even if you aren’t on great terms with your ex, you should tell them to get tested so they won’t have to deal with any of these issues in the future.^{[15]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Studies show that people with other STIs have a bigger chance to receive or transmit HIV.
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Question 6 of 6:

Is it possible for one partner to have an STI and not the other?

It depends on the situation. If you and your ex-partner always had safe sex, and/or had sex in creative ways that didn’t involve a lot of bodily fluids, there’s a chance that the STI didn’t get passed around. Typically, unprotected sex or sex with random, unfamiliar partners is what puts people at risk for STIs.^{[16]XResearch source}
- Even if you used protection, you should still give your ex-partner a heads up about what’s going on.

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Tips

Always practice safe sex with your partner or significant other. This really helps reduce your chances of passing an STI around.^{[17]XTrustworthy SourceFamilyDoctor.orgFamily-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family DoctorsGo to source}
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Try to cut back on how many intimate partners you have. This can lower your risk for receiving and spreading STIs in the future.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceFamilyDoctor.orgFamily-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family DoctorsGo to source}
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Warnings

Spermicides don’t prevent STIs. Spermicides like nonoxynol-9 can cause irritation down there, which may even boost your chances of getting an STI.^{[19]XTrustworthy SourceFamilyDoctor.orgFamily-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family DoctorsGo to source}
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In some areas, it’s against the law to hide an STI diagnosis from your ex-partners. It’s always best to be honest!^{[20]XResearch source}
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