How to Tell a New Partner You Have an STD

Informing new partners about your STD is a vital step to having a healthy relationship. While you may feel awkward or nervous about telling them, it is important that they know before you have sex. Carefully, think about how you want to tell them. During the talk, be open and honest about your condition. When do you have sex with your new partner, make sure you are using protection.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Finding the Right Words

1
Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what you would want someone to say to you if they had an STD. How would you like to be told? What questions would you like them to answer? When planning to tell a new partner, imagine you were them. This can help you plan what to say.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Remember, if your partner had an STD, you would probably want to know. Even if you take medication and use protection during sex, you have a responsibility to inform your partner. Many STds may not show symptoms, but you can still spread the disease to your partner if you are not careful.
2
Write a script. If you think you will be nervous, you can write a script out beforehand. Write down what you think you will say to the other person. This does not need to be a long speech. A few sincere sentences can help you figure out the right thing to say.^{[2]XResearch source}
- You might write down, “There is something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. Before we take our relationship to the next level, I think you have the right to know that I have been diagnosed with gonorrhea.”
- You can practice your script in the mirror or with a trusted friend before talking to your new partner.
- Writing a script also allows you to fact check before you have your conversation. Make sure you have accurate information about your STD and your testing information lined up before you talk.
3
Decide if you will tell them in person or on the phone. The best way to break this news is to tell the person directly, but you may not want to tell them in person, especially if you are worried that they will become angry. Before you break the news, decide if you want to let them know in person or over the phone.^{[3]XResearch source} You should not text your partner about this.
- Telling the person face-to-face is the best way to break the news, provided you trust your partner. Find a quiet, private environment to inform them. You may want to tell them at their home or yours.
- If you are worried that they may become combative or angry after you tell them, you may want to call them to explain. If they start yelling, you can end the conversation.
- There are services online that will send anonymous emails or texts to partners to let them know they should get tested. These are not meant for current relationships but rather former relationships. Do not use these to inform a new partner.
4
Plan to tell your partner before you have intercourse. It is important that you do not have sex with your partner until they understand that you have an STD. Even if you use protection, you should inform them before you engage in sex.
- If you have been diagnosed after you have started seeing someone but before you have had sex, you should let them know within a few days of your diagnosis.
- If you have just been diagnosed and you have already had sex with them, let them know before you sleep together again.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Having the Talk

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Ask them if you can talk. You should have the conversation in a private, quiet area with no distractions. You can call your partner and ask them to meet up to talk about something. Try to sound calm when you do this. If you sound nervous or upset, they may become anxious.^{[4]XResearch source}
- You can say, "Can we meet up soon at my place or yours? I have something I want to tell you."
2
State that you have an STD. You need to be honest and direct when you tell them that you have an STD. Do not talk around the issue or use euphemisms. Outright state that you have a disease.^{[5]XResearch source}
- You may want to start by stating how much you like, appreciate, or trust them. You can say, “I want you to know that I really like you, and I want to be completely honest with you.”
- Tell them exactly what STD you have. You can say, “I have just been diagnosed with chlamydia” or “I have been HIV positive for a few years now.”
- If you have an informational pamphlet or website about the STD you're talking about, offer it to them to help them understand. They may appreciate a new resource to learn about your condition.
3
Explain your condition. It may be helpful for your partner to understand the specific STD that you have. They may want to know if your STD can be treated or cured, how contagious it is, and whether or not you are on medication. Be extremely honest about your condition, and make sure to inform your partner what their risk is.
- For example, you might say, “Herpes can’t be cured, but I am managing my symptoms with medication. Sometimes I will get flares for a few weeks, but symptoms are usually gone for months at a time.”
- Encourage your partner to ask questions if they have them. You can say, “I want to make sure that you understand my condition completely. Please feel free to ask me any questions you have.” Even if they don’t have questions right away, they may come up with them over time.
- Encourage your partner to discuss the matter with their doctor or health care provider, as well. They may be able to provide more comprehensive information in a less stressful environment.
4
Tell them to get tested. If you have already had sex with your new partner, you should let them know that they need to be tested. Even if you used protection, it is a good precaution. This will let them know if know if they have an STD themselves.
- You can say, “You should get tested as soon as possible for HIV as I may have put you at risk.” If you feel comfortable in your relationship, you may even offer to accompany them.
- If you have only recently been diagnosed, you should inform all partners you’ve had since your last negative STD test. If you have not been tested before, you should contact all partners to tell them to get tested.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dealing with the Aftermath

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Give them time. Some people may not know how to react to the news right away. Let your partner take as much time as they need to adjust to the news. You do not need to have an answer about the state of your relationship right away.^{[6]XResearch source}
- You can tell them, “I know this can be hard news to digest, and I understand if you need time to think about it.”
- Some people may have instant responses. They may not care if you have an STD as long as you use protection. For others, however, an STD can be a deal breaker.
2
Try not to take rejection personally. Your partner may decide to no longer see you. If this is the case, try not to take it personally. While it can hurt, understand that there are many people out there who do not mind if their partner has an STD.
- Remember that your STD does not define you as a person. If the person broke up with you for this reason, it does not mean that they are rejecting you. They have just made the decision that they do not want to risk contracting an STD themselves.^{[7]XResearch source}
3
Protect yourself during sex. Many people do not mind if their partner has an STD. If your partner wants to stay with you, you should make sure that you do not infect them. Always protect yourselves during sex.
- Always use a condom during sex. Use lubrication to decrease the risk of the condom ripping.
- If you’re having oral sex, use a dental dam.
- Latex gloves can protect your partner during any activities involving the hands. These may be useful if your disease can be spread through bodily fluids.
- If you’re on medication for your STD, make sure you take your medication exactly as directed.
4
Take care of your mental health. While taking care of your physical health is important if you have an STD, you should not neglect your emotional and mental health. New relationships can bring different types of stress, so make sure that you practice self-care and build a strong support system.
- Try not to blame yourself if the relationship goes sour or if your partner is struggling to handle the news. By being honest with your partner, you did the right thing.
- If you do not already have a strong support system, you may want to reach out to close family and friends. You can also join a STD support group to meet others with your condition. They may be able to offer you guidance and support as you start your new relationship.
- If you feel hopeless, depressed, or distraught because of your STD or relationship, contact a therapist, counselor, or psychologist as soon as possible.
- If you have suicidal thoughts, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988, or call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. These provide 24-hour support during personal crises. If you're outside of the United States, contact your country's suicide prevention hotline.
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Even if you use protection or are managing your symptoms, it is important to tell your partner about your STD.
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Encourage your partner to get tested, especially if they have not been tested in a long time. Many STDs are asymptomatic, and your partner may have an STD without realizing it.
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