How to Tell Your Partner That You Are Infertile

Many people learn about infertility when trying to get pregnant, yet some people know before trying to conceive that they have problems with infertility. You may have endured cancer treatments or have a medical problem that interferes with fertility. If you are still dating consider if it is really the right time to talk about this. If your grow to trust and love your partner, issues of infertility can be brought up and handled in other ways. Bringing up fertility in dating can be tricky and induce feelings of fear and discomfort when disclosing. When you feel ready to bring up infertility with your date, prepare what you will say and how to say it. Prepare yourself for how they might respond and be ready to answer questions.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Preparing for a Discussion

1
Choose your timing. Deciding when to tell your partner is likely the hardest part of this discussion, and being infertile doesn’t ever seem to fit seamlessly into a dinner conversation. First build up trust in the relationship before talking about your infertility issues. You may need to plan when you’d like to talk about your infertility and how you want to bring it up. Your fertility is your personal information, so you may not want to share it with someone early on in dating. Yet, if you’re feeling like you and your partner may eventually have a long-term relationship, you might want to disclose sooner than later. It’s completely up to your discretion when you want to disclose.^{[1]XResearch source}
- There’s never a “right” time to talk about difficult issues, especially fertility. Choose a time that you feel comfortable disclosing.
2
Pick an appropriate setting. Don’t decide to bring up infertility issues in a loud, busy, or crowded setting. Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and not about to rush off to something else.^{[2]XExpert SourceRaffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – ClinicalExpert Interview. 15 October 2021.} You may want to choose a private setting so that you don’t feel embarrassed to show emotion.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Don’t bring up your infertility around your date’s family members or friends. Make sure the two of you are alone and in private.
3
Practice what to say. If you’re nervous that you might jumble your words or chicken out of the discussion, practice what you might say ahead of time. Get together with a friend or family member who can help you rehearse what to say and how to say it. This can give you a boost in feeling more prepared to talk to your date.
- You may wish to choose what type of vocabulary to use, for example, you may wish to say, “I am infertile” or, “It’s going to be very difficult for me to have a baby.”
4
Have their full attention. Don’t bring up your infertility when your date is distracted, in the middle of something, or in an altered state (such as after consuming alcohol). When you do bring it up, make sure you have their complete attention.^{[4]XExpert SourceRaffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – ClinicalExpert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- It can be difficult and invalidating to bring up and discuss infertility if your date is distracted or more interested in something else.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Telling Your Date

1
Own your nervousness. It’s totally normal to feel nervous or anxious when sharing deeply personal information with someone. Accept that you feel anxious and do something to relieve your nerves. If you start worrying about the person’s reaction, remind yourself that it’s not up to you how they respond. If you start to feel uneasy, do something to help ease your mind.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Take some deep breaths until you begin to feel calmer.
2
Open the conversation. It’s up to you how you want to bring it up. You may want to casually bring it up or preface the conversation. Whatever you decide, take a moment to open the discussion. You may want to have something prepared ahead time, as opening lines for a fertility conversation may not come easily to you in the moment.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For example, if your date brings up a story about their nephew, use the opportunity to continue talking about children. You might say, “I love seeing little children play and be cute. I really hope I can raise a family one day, even though it will be more difficult for me.”
- You can also start the conversation cold by saying, “It’s hard for me to bring this up, but I hope you’ll be understanding. After getting cancer treatments, they left me with some medical problems, one of them being infertility.”
3
Decide how much detail you want to provide. It’s completely up to you how in-depths you want to go. To start, it may be best to keep it simple and to the point and allow the person to ask questions. For example, instead of giving a medical diagnosis, you may want to say, “I have some problems which affect my ability to have a baby.”
- Share only what you want to share. If your date asks you questions that make you feel uncomfortable, you are not obligated to answer them. Say, “I don’t feel comfortable responding to that.”
- Be mindful about oversharing. Your date may not want a long, drawn-out narrative about your struggles, pain, heartbreak, and previous experiences. These things can be discussed in more detail later. Let your partner know and give them time to process the information.
4
Provide some facts. Most people who don’t deal with infertility likely have minimal information as to what infertility is, how it can affect you, and what it looks like in a relationship. For example, many people are surprised to find out that infertility affects one out of every eight couples.
- You may want to discuss options available for the type of infertility you have, or clearly explain that it is highly unlikely that you will ever have children.
5
Watch your body language. Be aware of what you are communicating through your body. For example, watch yourself if you’re crossing your arms or legs, looking down, avoiding eye contact, or facing away from your date. This can show that you are embarrassed, ashamed, uncomfortable, or avoidant. Try to appear open and available without closing out your partner. Pay attention to the nonverbal communication you are sending.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Your body language may communicate that you are cut off from discussing this further with your date, which may abruptly end the discussion when they may actually want to ask questions or gain clarity on something.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Handling the Aftermath

1
Talk about how it affects you. If you are infertile and do not want to have children, this may be an easier discussion for you. However, if you are infertile and you deeply desire to have a family, this can make the discussion much more difficult. Share with your date how your infertility affects you and how you feel.^{[8]XExpert SourceRaffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – ClinicalExpert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Use “I” statements and focus on how it affects you.^{[9]XResearch source}
- For example, say, “Being infertile makes me quite sad because I’d really like to have a family one day.”
- You can also say, “I’m infertile, but part of me is thankful because I’m not sure I’d ever be prepared to have a family of my own.”
- Asking your partner about their feelings on children or having a family beforehand may help you in how to talk about your feelings. It will be easier to speak if you know their views are the same as yours beforehand.^{[10]XExpert SourceRaffi Bilek, LCSW-C
  Licensed Certified Social Worker – ClinicalExpert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
2
Discuss how it affects the relationship. At some point or another, couples tend to bring up marriage and having a family. After you tell your date, talk about how your infertility may affect the relationship and what it means for you two moving forward. Your date may be supportive or they may want some time to digest and think about what you’ve told them. This can be a lot to take in for some people, so be accepting of your date’s questions, concerns, and need to think.^{[11]XExpert SourceRaffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – ClinicalExpert Interview. 15 October 2021.}
- You don’t need to decide the fate of your relationship in this moment.
3
Accept their response. Some people are not interested in adopting, in-vitro fertilization (IVF), surrogates, or having children at all. If this is true of your date, don’t try to change their mind or convince them otherwise. Accept whatever thoughts, opinions, or beliefs they share with you and recognize that this may be a difference that you need to consider.^{[12]XResearch source}
- If you know at some point you want to try to conceive or adopt, it’s best to know if your date is open to this.
4
End with something positive. If you dread the conversation being too heavy or having too much attention drawn to yourself, end the conversation with something light, positive or funny. You might begin to feel depressed or sad about disclosing your infertility, so try to refocus the energy toward something more positive at the end.^{[13]XResearch source}
- You may want to express gratitude for the person’s listening or understanding, or you may wish to make a joke or suggest getting dessert.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
When should you tell your partner you're infertile?
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Answer
Tell your partner when you have enough time to sit down for a conversation. Start off by saying something like "Hey, I have something I want to share with you. It's pretty personal and tough to talk about, but here's the story."
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Question
How do you talk about infertility?
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Raffi Bilek is a couples counselor and family therapist, and the Director of The Baltimore Therapy Center, LLC. With more than ten years of experience, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families save and improve their relationships. He enjoys training other therapists to work with couples through the most difficult situations, including infidelity, divorce, and more. Raffi holds a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science from Brown University and a Master's degree in Social Work from The Wurzweiler School of Social Work.
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C
Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical
Expert Answer
Give both yourself and your partner space to explore your feelings. Don't jump to solving the problem; instead, spend time together talking about how you feel.
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Thank you for your feedback.
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