How to Tell Your Partner About Your Addictive Disorder

Addictive disorders cause problems in many people's lives. These disorders cover addictions to drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, food, the internet, gambling, or other substances or things you can become harmfully addicted to.^{[1]XResearch source} If you are dealing with an addiction of any kind, you need to be honest and tell your partner about your struggle. This can be difficult, but there are ways you can tell your partner about your addictive disorder.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Ready to Tell Your Partner

1
Realize you need your partner's support. Recovery is a long and hard process that is only made easier by having support from your loved ones. Your partner is a large part of your life, so acknowledge that you need your partner's support to get better.
- Admitting your addiction to your partner may be embarrassing or uncomfortable, but it is the first step to getting the help and support you need. Just be honest with yourself.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
2
Acknowledge that your relationship will change. Before you tell your partner, realize that you will not have the same relationship with your partner as before. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, but there will likely be hurt and distrust you will have to work through.
- Think of it as a way to come out stronger on the other side. Your partner is important to you, so you want to make sure you work hard to get to a better place of respect, support, and trust.^{[3]XResearch source}
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3
Prepare what you are going to say. Before you tell your partner about your addictive disorder, figure out exactly what you want to say. Try writing down the points you want to make when you tell your partner about your addictive disorder. This will help you get your thoughts straight and help you remember everything you want to say.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Even if you don't use the notes and say everything word for word as you wrote it down, you will feel less nervous being prepared, and having an idea of how you want to approach the conversation will help.
4
Be ready for any reaction. When you tell your partner about your addiction, she may not have the best reaction. Before you tell your partner, prepare yourself for both positive and negative reactions. Your addictive disorder will affect you both, so be compassionate about any reaction your partner may have.
- Prepare yourself for the possibility that your partner may not want to work with your at first. Be strong in your devotion to your recovery and be ready to discuss these efforts with your partner.^{[5]XResearch source}
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Telling Your Partner About Your Addiction

1
Pick the right time and place. Telling your partner about your addictive disorder is not going to be an easy process. To make this process run smoother, you need to make sure that you tell your partner at the right time and place. Don't choose a public place where you can be interrupted. It will likely not be comfortable talking about such a serious topic in public.
- You want to make sure you tell your partner when you both have time to discuss it. Don't tell your partner when either of you need to be somewhere, go to work, or are busy. You want to make sure you have plenty of time to devote to your talk.
2
Explain exactly what your addictive disorder entails. Depending on what addictive disorder your have, you will have different symptoms, needs, triggers, and recovery plans. When you tell your partner, you should explain what you are addicted to, what that means for your life, and how it affects both your lives.
- Make sure you are honest with your partner about your addictive disorder and everything that you are dealing with. You want to start the recovery and healing process with all the information.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For example, tell your partner, "I am addicted to gambling. This means that I have a problem stopping myself from betting and other gambling related behaviors."
3
Avoid blaming your partner. When you disclose your addictive disorder to your partner, don't throw around blame. You don't want to start your recovery process with resentment and anger, so don't blame your partner for your problems. You are telling your partner about your addictive disorder so you can move forward, so let any past resentments go and more forward from where you are.
- Even if you feel part of what made you turn to addiction is your relationship, this is not the time to play the blame game. You need to start building a new stage in your relationship post-addiction.
- Tell your partner, "I am addicted to porn. This does not mean that you have done something wrong or that I don't feel attracted to you. It is not your fault that I have this problem."
4
Let your partner talk. When you tell your partner, he will likely have a lot of questions and concerns about what it all means. Listen to your partner's fears, concerns, and questions. Take in what your partner is saying and truly try to understand where he is coming from.
- Answer the questions and concerns that you can and work with your partner to figure out a plan for the rest.^{[7]XResearch source}
5
Apologize for any harm you've caused. When you have an addictive disorder, it is likely that you have hurt those around you at some point because of it. Talk to your partner about how your addiction may have harmed her and apologize for the hurt and distrust it has caused.
- Don't shy away from things you have done just because it is uncomfortable. Getting it all out in the open early in your recovery process will help you and your partner heal.
- This will be hard, but it will help let your partner and you move forward with your relationship.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceRecovery.orgResource run by the American Addiction Centers organization providing people with educational resources about substance abuseGo to source}
- Tell your partner, "I am sorry for the harm my addiction has caused you. If anything I have done in pursuit of my addiction has hurt you, I am sorry for those actions and will strive not to do anything else to hurt you in the future."
6
Explain your treatment plan. When you tell your partner about your addictive disorder, explain what steps you are taking for treatment. You want your partner to know what you are doing to get better and move past your addiction into a health life.
- This will likely be a combination of therapy, lifestyle changes, and support groups; however, depending on your particular kind of addiction, you may also be on medication for your addictive disorder.
- Tell your partner, "I have looked into a recovery plan and am seeing a therapist. I am not longer taking part in my addiction and have devoted myself to my recovery."
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Asking Your Partner For Recovery Help

1
Offer to seek professional help with your partner. The road to recovery may require you to go to some couples therapy to help your relationship. There will likely be some unresolved issues that you and your partner need to work out. If you can't work them out on your own, seek a professional counselor or therapist to help with your relationship.
- This will show your partner that you are willing to do everything you can to repair your relationship.^{[9]XResearch source}
2
Explain your triggers. There may be certain situations, places, or substances that trigger your addiction. This will vary from person to person, but these are the things that may cause you to relapse into your addiction. Talk to your partner about what these triggers are, how you've taken efforts to get triggers out of your life, and how he can help you avoid them.
- Explain why these things are your triggers. If your partner understands why these things trigger you, he may be more willing to help you avoid them.
- For example, if you have a substance abuse problem, having alcohol in the house may be a problem. You may also need to avoid bars or clubs.
- Tell your partner, "I know you like to have wine with dinner, but this isn't an option for me right now. I cannot have these things in the house because they will tempt me to relapse."
3
Ask if you can use her for help. When you are working through addictive disorders, you will need as much help as you can get to avoid a relapse, especially at first. Ask your partner if you can rely on her to be someone you can call when you need help avoiding relapse.
- You may have a sponsor that will help you with this, but it is nice to have someone you love and trust to help you as well. The more help you have, the greater chance of beating your addiction.
- Since your partner will be with you more often than other people, she will be a constant person for support.
- Having someone you are accountable to that you love and respect can also make fighting your addiction easier.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Ask your partner, "If I find myself on the edge of a relapse or in the need of extra support, can I call, text, or come find you to talk me through it?"
4
Suggest your partner finds a support group. There are many support groups specifically for families and partners of those with addiction. Tell your partner about these groups so he can seek support from people who are going through the same thing.
- These organizations will also help your loved one learn about what it is like to have an addictive disorder and how he can help you cope and recover. It will also help your partner take care of himself and his needs while helping you, too.
- There may be local organizations in your area for your partner. You can also look for a local chapter of SMART Recovery for family and friends of those with addictive disorders.
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