How to Tell Your Family About Your Anxiety Disorder

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1Choosing the Time and Place

2Opening Up

3Building Support

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Fear is something we all struggle with from time to time. But, for some, anxiety is paralyzing. When a person’s feelings of distress and fear begin to interfere with daily life—in panic attacks, obsessive routines, nightmares, palpitations, or nausea—the problem is a serious mental illness called an “anxiety disorder.” If you think you have an anxiety disorder, enlisting family is a first step in getting help – talk to your loved ones, open up, and get their support as you seek treatment.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Choosing the Time and Place

1. 
   1
   Be brave enough to speak up. It can be hard to talk about an illness like anxiety disorder. You might be afraid that your family will judge you or become uncomfortable and not know how to act around you. Still, it’s worth it to talk even if you’re not sure how your family will react. Ask to have a talk with someone, whether it’s your dad and mom, siblings, other relatives.

   • Your family will probably have already realized that something is amiss. They may want to do something to help you, but not know exactly what is wrong. Having a serious conversation will give them a better chance to assist you.
   • Start with asking to sit down and talk. You don’t have to say anything specific at this point, but only indicate your desire for a conversation. Say, for instance, “Hi Dad, do you have some time to talk later? There’s something I have to say.” Or, “Mom, can we talk later today? I want to talk about something important.”
   • The right moment to break the ice could come naturally. Your parents might see you have an anxiety attack and ask you afterward, “What’s going on? Is everything OK?” Use this opportunity to raise the topic.
2. 
   2
   Pick a good moment. Your family may realize something is wrong, but don’t assume that they do. People are often busy and caught up in their own lives. That said, it’s best to bring up the subject when there is plenty of time. Choose a moment when your family is at home, relaxed, and at leisure—after work or dinner, for example.

   • Talk when you’re feeling well and ready. You also shouldn’t rush an important conversation like this. Make sure that you have a good block of time (probably an hour or more) and to approach your family when they are free and won’t need to rush off.
   • Pick a quiet and private place, ideally at home, so you can speak openly and honestly without being self-conscious.
   • If it’s an emergency, however, act immediately. Say that it’s urgent and you need to talk.
3. 
   3
   Consider writing a letter. You might find that the idea of talking about your anxiety triggers more anxiety for you. In that case, think about writing an open letter to your family members. You can include all the same information and can either read it aloud or ask them to read it privately, leaving the chance for a later face-to-face conversation.

   • Your letter can be as short or as long as you’d like it to be. Make sure to express the main point, though, i.e. “Mom, I’ve been having trouble managing my stress and anxiety. Sometimes I get panic attacks.” Or, "You might have noticed that I have odd routines, Dad. I keep thinking that, without them, something terrible will happen.”
   • Leave the letter where your family will find it, like on the coffee table, the kitchen table, or the mantle. Or, bring it along to the talk to read aloud. Say something like “I wrote down a few words that I’d like you to hear.”
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Opening Up

1. 
   1
   Use “process talk” to start. Explaining a mental illness like anxiety disorder is challenging and you might not know what to say, initially. “Process talk” simply means talking about talking rather than sharing information. It’s a technique that will help you put your thoughts in order, and also ask your family for patience.

   • For instance, say something like “I’m not sure how to talk about this, but can you please listen to me and try to understand? I’m hoping to feel better after talking about it with somebody.”
   • You might also try “I don’t know if this makes sense and I feel uncomfortable talking about it, but I want to tell someone. Can you listen to me and not laugh or make a joke out of it?”
2. 
   2
   Explain how you’re feeling. Remember that your family will want to help you but may not fully understand what’s going on. Having a serious anxiety disorder is hard and isolating. But you’ll feel better with loved ones to support you. Explain how you feel and begin to open up about your problem.

   • Be clear about what is going on, i.e. “I’ve been having episodes lately where I feel overwhelmed. I panic, get afraid, and feel like I can’t breathe. It’s happening more and more often.” Or, “I feel like I have to follow these routines and rituals. I can’t explain why. I just feel terrified at what might happen if I don’t.”
   • Say you think it might be a disorder. Your family needs to know what you’re struggling with and that it is a recognized condition. You might say, “I think this is social anxiety disorder, Dad” or “I feel like I may have obsessive-compulsive behavior disorder.”
3. 
   3
   Use concrete examples. Your loved ones might also not know much about anxiety or even about mental illnesses. They may not react well or deny there is a problem, thinking you can just “snap out of it.” It will help them understand the problem you’re facing if you can offer concrete examples of how anxiety is affecting your life – and the fact that it’s serious. Focus on events that have occurred or the impact they’ve made on you.

   • For example, you could say something like “I’ve been having trouble coping with stress at school. I feel so overwhelmed that I’ve started to skip class sometimes.”
   • Or, “I can’t stop thinking about germs and always feel dirty. Some days I wash my hands 20 or 30 times, so much that they’re raw.”
   • You don’t have to share everything, of course. But don’t sugar coat the situation to spare your loved ones. Be very clear that anxiety is preventing you from living a normal and healthy life.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Building Support

1. 
   1
   Ask for help. Don’t get drawn into trying to analyze or explain why you feel the way you do. Just say, bluntly, that you want to get better and need others to help you do so. Again, you don’t need to go into detail. Just focus on the most important part: you want and need help.

   • You can say something like “I just want to feel like myself again and learn ways to control my anxiety. Can you help me find a counselor or a therapist?”
   • Your family might say that what you’ve described doesn’t sound abnormal, or is a stage, or isn’t that worrisome. If that happens, tell them that you are sure it isn’t, i.e. “No, Dad, I’m pretty sure that this is a serious problem.”
2. 
   2
   Suggest ways for your family to support you. Tell your loved ones how they can help. This might be assisting you with locating a professional like a therapist, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, but it might be in other ways. Loved ones can contribute by assisting you with everyday tasks, encouraging you to eat well, get exercise, and socialize, or offering moral support.

   • Ask them to help you find treatment, i.e. “I’m afraid to make an appointment, but I know I should see a doctor. Can you help me find someone and follow through?” You might also ask them to take you to appointments and make sure that you attend any support groups.
   • You might also ask for day-to-day support, i.e. “I need you to be there and to encourage me. Can you make sure that I’m getting out?” Or, “I just would appreciate your love and a hug once in a while.”
3. 
   3
   Be patient and expect to answer questions. Chances are that your family will reach out and want to know how to help you. Still, you should expect to field questions. Just be patient and answer as best you can, remembering that the more your loved ones know, the better they can support you and your recovery.

   • One question you may get is, “What’s causing this?” They may also want to know how long you’ve been having severe anxiety. The exact cause of anxiety disorder isn’t usually clear, but try to answer as honestly as possible.
   • Your loved ones may also be worried that the anxiety is related to something they said or did. Reassure them that it’s not their fault.
4. 
   4
   Don’t give up. Keep at it even if it takes your loved ones a while to accept your anxiety disorder or to believe it. Repeat yourself. Raise the topic again and reiterate your desire to get help, if you feel your family is brushing you off. Stress that you think the problem is serious and interfering with your daily life. Treatment is important enough to ask as many times as need be.

   • Repeat yourself as often as necessary. For example, you could say, “Mom, I really think that something is seriously wrong. I want to see someone.” Stress that your situation is not just everyday fear: i.e. “No, Dad, this is different. I feel immobilized by this anxiety.”
   • Talk to another trusted adult if your family is not able or willing to help. Think about other people you can confide in—like teachers, mentors, counselors, friends, or coaches—and let them know what you’re going through. Tell someone that you trust, who will listen to you, and who will respect your privacy.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  What to tell someone who has anxiety?

  

  Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist

  Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.

  

  Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

  Licensed Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  When you're talking to someone with anxiety, try to be as supportive as possible. If they're complaining or discussing their fear, hear them out and let them vent. Don't tell them their anxiety is "in their head" or anything like that. At the same time, try to avoid playing into their anxiety by letting them continue to worry. Try distracting them by talking about something else or telling them that everything is going to be alright.

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