How to Tell Your Boyfriend the Truth About How You Feel After Months of Lying

Everyone lies at some point in life.^{[1]XResearch source} But while some lies are rooted in convenience or kindness ("you don't look fat"), others are much bigger and more damaging. If you have been lying to your boyfriend about you feel about him, it's time to come clean. Learn how to tell your boyfriend the truth and adopt more honest communication for the future.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making Your Statement

1
Admit the lie to yourself first. Before you can admit your lies to your boyfriend, you must acknowledge them on your own.^{[2]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 27 October 2021.} Sometimes, you can repeat a lie over and over again to the point that you start to believe it. In order to break this cycle, you must admit that there is a problem.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Say it aloud to yourself: “I have been dishonest with Matt for a long time now. I need to tell the truth.”
- It may also help to share this admission with a friend. Confiding in someone else about your lies can serve as a way to practice coming clean to your boyfriend. Plus, if you choose someone who is understanding and supportive, he or she can give you the courage to finally tell the truth.
2
Meet face-to-face with your boyfriend. It may be tempting to want to spill your guts over a phone call or a text message. However, coming clean after months of lying requires sensitivity in how you handle the situation. Set a date with your boyfriend ahead of time so that you can talk in-person without distractions.
- Leave your cell phone in another room. This is important not only to minimize distractions, but it will also reduce negative feelings. Studies show that when a pair is discussing a meaningful topic, the presence of a cell phone can increase feelings of distrust and compromise relationship quality.^{[4]XResearch source}
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3
Be forthright. A full confession is best and will actually help you feel better about yourself.^{[5]XResearch source} You may believe that a partial confession is more likely to preserve your boyfriend’s feelings (e.g. “If I tell him how long I’ve been lying, he will be devastated.”) Nonetheless, only coming halfway clean will simply reinforce your lying habit. Be completely honest about what you have been feeling.^{[6]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- For instance, you might start off the discussion by saying something that denotes the seriousness of the situation and gets straight to the point. “I wanted to talk about my feelings for you…” or “I have been dishonest with you for a while now. I need to tell you the truth about my feelings…” is a forthright way to start the conversation.
4
Use “I” statements. “I” statements give you an opportunity to take ownership for your own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. As opposed to “you” statements that trigger defensiveness, “I” statements build bridges to increase trust and openness. Be specific in your remarks while avoiding “should” statements or labels. Include your thoughts and feelings.
- An example of a potential “I” statement for this scenario might be: “I am feeling ashamed about not telling you the truth before now. I care about you and didn’t want to hurt you, but I know I have.”
5
Apologize. Just as your wording should emphasize that you are taking full responsibility for your lie, your words should also reflect remorse. Let your boyfriend know how terrible you feel about lying. Being able to own up to your guilt is an integral part of moving forward.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Tell him "I'm very sorry that I kept this from you. I feel ashamed, like I have disappointed you. I hope that you can come to forgive me someday." Take note that you can request forgiveness, but only he has the power to grant it to you.
6
Answer any questions truthfully. Just as you should be forthright and take ownership of your lie, you also want to emphasize honesty going forward. If your boyfriend asks any clarifying questions about your deception, answer them as truthfully as you can.
- For example, if he asks “When did you know how you really felt?,” you need to be clear: “I have known that I was no longer in love with you since April. I just didn’t know how to tell you the truth.”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Evaluating the Relationship

1
Allow him an opportunity to react. If you make the effort to address the problem head-on versus waiting to get caught in a lie, your partner may view you in a more positive light.^{[8]XResearch source} Regardless, after you have come clean about lying, you must allow him the chance to respond.
- Listen attentively to what your boyfriend has to say. He may get angry and express feeling betrayed. Try not to be defensive. Remember that he is allowed his own feelings and experience. Just listen and honor his need to vent.
2
Assess whether you want to remain in the relationship. The content of your lies will help the two of you determine if this relationship should continue. For example, if you have been lying about something minor like searching for a job, then you may be able to overcome such a lie. However, if you have lied about your romantic feelings or covered up an infidelity, your relationship may not recover.
- Dig deep and consider the foundation of your relationship and the strengths it has that may allow you to move forward. If lying has been a reoccurring theme in the relationship, or if you two lack other strengths such as shared goals or values, it may be time to call it quits.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Both of you should be honest with yourselves and each other at this point. Do you really want to be in this relationship? Are you willing to undergo the changes necessary to make it work?
3
Take some time to think things over.^{[10]XResearch source} If you want to give the relationship another shot, it's okay to share your feelings with your boyfriend. However, you must not expect him to make a decision on the spot. Agree to take a break from the relationship for a few days or weeks to get space for the both of you.
- This does not necessarily mean you are going to break up, but it can help both of you get perspective and determine if you are actually committed to making an effort.
- Use this time to evaluate how you feel about your boyfriend and whether you are going to fully dedicate yourself to being consistent in your words and actions in the future. The two of you can set a specific date to meet back up and resume the conversation.
4
Develop a plan to rebuild trust. If you want the relationship to recover, then it’s important that the two of you are on the same page going forward. Being honest may be uncomfortable and even foreign to you, but it’s necessary for trust in relationships. Sit down with your boyfriend and talk about ways you can regain his trust.
- One of the best ways to rebuild trust is through transparency. Try to be straightforward with your boyfriend from now on and encourage him to ask you questions if he has concerns. Also, show consistency in your words and behaviors. If you say you will do something, do it. This will go a long way in helping him trust you again.^{[11]XResearch source}
- You must prepare yourself for the possibility that you may never fully regain his trust. After finding out about a lie, your partner may have doubts going into the future. If you have difficulty rebuilding trust, it can be helpful to see a couples therapist who can help you work through this.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Learning Honesty

In order to practice honesty, you must have an understanding of why you lie in the first place. Take accountability for yourself.^{[12]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 27 October 2021.} Do you lie to save face or act like you know something when you don’t? Do you lie to “protect” others’ feelings? Do you lie to avoid showing vulnerability? All of these are common reasons why people lie.^{[13]XResearch source} Look to your past to spot themes in the reasons behind your lies.
2
Set realistic goals to adopt honesty. Once you get an understanding of the reasons you lie, establish a few realistic goals to stop your lying habit. Avoid making promises that you can’t keep, such as “I’ll never lie again.” Instead set the bar low and raise it as you develop a greater ability for honesty.^{[14]XResearch source}
- For example, you could simply tell your boyfriend that when you get the urge to lie, you will share your feelings with him. That way, he can help you adopt the habit of honesty. Other goals you can set may include taking your time to answer questions so that you don’t resort to an impulsive, untrue answer.
3
Practice expressing yourself while still being sensitive to others. Being completely truthful after a long period of lies can be difficult, but it’s possible with practice. Take baby steps with your goals and try to be more direct and honest in small daily interactions. Replace your bad habit with a positive behavior like telling the truth.^{[15]XResearch source}
- As you practice telling the truth, you will notice that the act becomes easier to do. You will also feel liberated from having to keep track with lies you have told people.
If you feel you need extra help working on quitting lying, a therapist, self-help book or support group may offer valuable help. In addition, if you are having difficulty uncovering the reason behind your lying and believe it to be compulsive, you need to seek out professional help as soon as possible.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceRecovery.orgResource run by the American Addiction Centers organization providing people with educational resources about substance abuseGo to source} Plus, it can also be helpful to have your boyfriend join in on a session to discuss rebuilding trust in your relationship.
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Tips

Turn off the blame, as much as possible. Even if you feel he pushed you into this pattern, take responsibility for your part as well.
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Learn from your mistakes.
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Accept the fact that he may be stunned and need a few hours or days to get over the shock.
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Warnings

There's always a chance that he will never forgive you. This is his prerogative. Accept how he feels, forgive yourself and move on.
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