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This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 3,902,111 times.
If you are in a serious relationship with your boyfriend, there may come a time when you are ready to take things to the next level. Unless your boyfriend is a skilled mind reader, however, he won't know that you want to have sex. Telling him can seem awkward, but it does not have to be. This How.com.vn will offer you lots of tips and advice on how to tell your boyfriend that you want to have sex.
Steps
Wait until you are alone together. Some relationship discussions are okay to have while you are out in public, but a discussion about something as personal as your first time together should be had in private and just between the two of you.Advertisement
Tell him you are ready to start having sex with him. You may be sending signals that seem obvious to you, but he might not pick up on them. In that case, you might just have to gather your courage and tell him how you feel.- Try asking him, "I am ready to start having sex with you, would you be into that?" or "How do you feel about becoming more intimate with me?"
- If you don’t like the idea of asking him to have sex, you could simply say, "I'm ready for us to start having sex, but it's totally cool if you need more time." Saying something like this provides him with the opportunity to take the next step or decline without too much awkwardness.
Respect his answer if he says no. If your boyfriend says he’s not ready, be understanding and don’t push him. He may just need a little more time. It is important to make sure that both of you are ready before you begin having sex.[2]
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Text or call to tell him that you want to start having sex. If you are too nervous to tell you boyfriend in person or you simply want to be able to plan ahead for your first time together, texting or calling him is a good option.- If you text him, you can be direct by texting something like "Wanna have sex later?" This text will certainly grab his attention but it is casual enough that you can play it off like you were kidding, just in case he says no.
- Or you can try something more suggestive, tell him what you're wearing or go with the classic "What are you wearing?" This may lead to a steamy sexting session or phone call. When it feels right, ask him to come over and see what happens next.
Show him instead of telling him. The next time that you alone together, use the opportunity to show him that you are ready to have sex. Make sure that you know that he is ready for sex before you do try to seduce him. If he says he is not ready yet, don’t take it personally. Just give him some more time and try again when he tells you he’s ready.
Write him a note. An email or handwritten note may be a perfect solution if you are having a hard time verbalizing the way that you feel. Write honestly about how you feel and keep it lighthearted.[3] Also, make sure that he reads the note in private or in your company and that he either destroys/deletes it or keeps it somewhere very safe after he has read it.
Wait for a special occasion. An upcoming special occasion, like a birthday or holiday, might be a good time to tell him that you want to start having sex. Waiting until a specified date will give you time to prepare yourself and it will also make the occasion more memorable.
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Make sure you are ready for sex. Before you even think about what to say to your boyfriend, make sure that you feel ready for sex in general.[4] If you are considering becoming sexually active and have never had sex before, think about why you want to become sexually active. Consider your emotional readiness, knowledge of birth control and safe sex, your relationship with your boyfriend, and your personal beliefs and values.[5]
Think about what you want. Whether you have been with other guys or not, your first time with someone should be special. Think about how you’d like the first time to be and make sure that you really want to take this step with him. Ask yourself questions like:
Protect yourself. Purchase condoms and keep them on hand at all times, so that you are prepared for your first sexual encounter with your boyfriend. Store a couple in your purse and in your nightstand. You should also have a conversation with your boyfriend about contraceptive options, so that you are both taking responsibility for your sexual health. Keep in mind that birth control will only provide protection against pregnancy, but condoms can protect you from STIs and pregnancy. Also, remember that neither method is 100% effective. [10]
Try not to obsess over telling your boyfriend that you want to have sex. Even if it turns out that he doesn’t feel ready to have sex yet, he will most likely appreciate your honesty. Just relax and make a plan to discuss your feelings with him.
Talk about your hopes for the relationship. If you want to make sure he is committed to you before you have sex with him, you should talk to him to gauge his ideas about where the relationship is headed. Just make sure to have this conversation with your boyfriend before you start sleeping together. It will be much easier to discuss your hopes and expectations about your relationship before you have become sexual partners than after. During this conversation, make sure that you listen to his hopes for the relationship and respect what he has to say. You can strike up the conversation by saying:[11]- If you don't want to sound like you are trying to talk about your relationship you can ask him, "So what do you think you'll be doing this time next year?" If you're part of his vision for the future, then he is probably interested in something long term.
- If you want to be more direct with him, you can ask him, "Where do you think we're headed?"
- Or if you just want to know if he considers you his partner or not, you can ask him "So what should I call you if any of my friends asks about us?"
Don’t set unrealistic expectations. You should have sex with someone only if you want to and are ready to.[12] Don’t have sex with your boyfriend if you are hoping that by becoming sexual partners your boyfriend will want to propose, ask you to move in with him, or start treating you differently. Sex will not fix a relationship, but it may affect it negatively if one or both partners are not ready to become sexually active. [13]
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Community Q&A
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- QuestionMy boyfriend wants to have sex with me. I've told him I'm not ready, but all he does now is try to get me to have sex with him - touching me sexually and trying to take off my clothes. What should I do?
Community AnswerWhat he's doing is sexual assault, and it's not okay. Be clear with him that he needs to stop. Tell him firmly, "I'm not ready to have sex, and I'm not okay with you touching me like that. If you keep doing it, I'm going to leave." Then, if he tries again, follow through on it. If he's receptive, you can try having another conversation about it; if he's not, however, you're better off ending the relationship. It might seem harsh, but someone who truly cares about you and respects you will accept and respect your boundaries about sex, and if he's not willing to do that, he doesn't respect you. You deserve a partner who will respect you and your boundaries, even if they don't like the answer they get.
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Tips
- Protect yourself from STIs and STDs by practicing safe sex. Use a condom every time you have vaginal, oral, or anal intercourse and get tested for STIs and STDs regularly. [14]Thanks
- Sex is often awkward the first time. Even if you have had sex before, it may take a few times before you and your boyfriend feel more comfortable with each other. Don’t dwell if the first time doesn’t go exactly as you imagined it would. It is perfectly normal for sex to be awkward at first and it does not mean that you are incompatible.Thanks
- Protect yourself before having sex with someone, even your boyfriend. Talk to a doctor about how to protect yourself from diseases and pregnancy.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://bedsider.org/features/517
- ↑ http://www.plannedparenthood.org/teens/sex/am-i-ready
- ↑ http://www.alexandrafranzen.com/2014/01/09/how-to-write-a-ridiculously-sexy-but-totally-classy-note-to-your-sweetheart/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/losing-your-virginity
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/contraception/bc_chart.html
- ↑ http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12318/5-Steps-For-Talking-About-Your-Relationship/
- ↑ http://www.bustle.com/articles/47841-11-ways-you-know-youre-ready-to-have-sex-with-someone-new
- ↑ http://www.bustle.com/articles/47841-11-ways-you-know-youre-ready-to-have-sex-with-someone-new
- ↑ http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001949.htm
About This Article
Psychotherapist
This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 3,902,111 times.
Co-authors: 235
Updated: July 22, 2023
Views: 3,902,111
Categories: Relationships | Dating
Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
Article SummaryX
If you don’t want to tell your boyfriend you want to have sex directly, it might be easier to show him. Wait until you’re alone together and prepare an ideal setting with candles, music, and privacy. Make sure he’s ready for sex before trying, and respect his answer if he says “No.” If trying to initiate sex is too scary, read on for other alternatives, like writing him a note or talking to him in person.
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Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 3,902,111 times.
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"It's so great how set this website is on consent, so many places keep gender roles into it and say that a guy will always want to have sex with you. I also loved at the end when you said sex will not fix the relationship. So true and so important to say."..." more
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