How to Tell Your Boyfriend You Disagree

So, your boyfriend has an opinion that you don’t completely agree with. No big deal. It’s perfectly normal to disagree, even with people with whom you have an intimate relationship. You may have trouble knowing how to navigate the waters of a disagreement, which causes you to keep your mouth shut and not share your opinion. You can learn how to be more open and use your voice without being offensive. Find out how to respectfully disagree with your significant other.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Sharing Your Opinion

When you disagree with someone, you may be quick to remark impulsively and offend the other person. Saying "Yeah, I hate (Whatever you disagree on) because it's stupid and ugly" is reason for the other person to get offended. It might be better to think hard about an intelligent reason that you disagree before sharing.
2
State your opinion clearly while taking ownership. Don’t expect your boyfriend to read your mind if you disagree. Be upfront about how you feel by using direct language. Speak on behalf of your own thoughts and feeling without criticizing the other person or speaking on behalf of him.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t ask my opinion before making an important decision. I think it would have been nice to talk about moving before you made the choice on your own.”
3
Avoid using "You" statements. "You" statements tend to cause the other person to become defensive since they seem to place the fault in someone outside yourself. Take ownership for your opinions by using "I" statements. Such statements minimize the possibility of your boyfriend feeling attacked or offended.
- You could say "I feel blindsided by the fact that you're going to take the job and move to California. I'm worried about what that means for our relationship."
4
Keep the lines of communication open. One way to get under another person’s skin is by disclaiming your opinion by opening with the words "I disagree." This tends to get a person riled up. Instead take the time to share what you do agree with before voicing a disagreement.
- For instance, if your boyfriend decided to take a job in another state, you might say “I’m thrilled that you were offered this job. It shows that you have highly marketable skills in your field. I’m concerned, however, about where our relationship stands if you move to a different state…”
5
Pick your battles. Just because you disagree with something your boyfriend said or did, it is not necessary to comment. Of course, being able to use your voice in your relationship is important, but you don’t have to use it for every single thing. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
- If it’s a slight disagreement about something trivial, let it slide to maintain harmony in your relationship. However, if the issue matters to you or makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, speak up.^{[2]XResearch source}
Just because you like broccoli, doesn't mean everyone has to like it. And just because your boyfriend thinks it’s disgusting, it shouldn’t stop you from enjoying it as much as you’d like. Don't allow minor differences to create distance in your relationship. Opinions are just as unique as the individuals who hold them. They are neither wrong nor right.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Agreeing to Disagree Respectfully

1
Attack the disagreement, not the person. Disagreeing with your significant other is absolutely fine as long as the two of you are able to separate the disagreement from the individuals. Couples can be quick to start attacking one another when defenses are up during an argument. Resist the temptation to criticize the person.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Let’s say your boyfriend forgot to call his mom for her birthday. It would be more helpful and less offensive if you said “Hey, babe, you need to work on keeping track of important dates. I know your mom must be hurt that you forgot her birthday.” rather than saying “You’re a terrible son. How could you forget your own mother’s birthday?”
2
Use compassionate words and tone of voice. Your words can have a major impact on the course of an argument—whether it explodes out of control or ends on a lighter note. Take a few moments during an argument to collect yourself and cool off. Remind yourself to speak from a place of compassion and caring, not ridicule. This keeps the two of you striving for harmony and remembering that you’re on the same side.
- Speak in a gentle, comforting voice using words that demonstrate kindness like “sweetie” or “babe.” Validate the other person by saying things like “I’m glad you’re willing to talk to me about this.”^{[4]XResearch source}
3
Compromise. Whenever possible, the goal for resolving any disagreement should be through compromise. Aim to solve the problem between you and your partner by searching for middle ground. How can you both leave the argument feeling relatively satisfied?
- A common point of contention in relationships is choosing a place to eat. If your partner never has the opportunity to choose the restaurant, you could say "How about you choose the restaurant tonight? I'll pick next time we go out."^{[5]XResearch source}
4
Evaluate the importance of the issue. Even the healthiest couples can find themselves arguing and forgetting the actual point of the disagreement. To avoid this, consider beforehand whether the issue being discussed is truly significant enough to get upset about.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Ask yourselves whether the current topic will change the way you feel about each other? Will it matter in a year or two? If not, you can agree to drop it without allowing it to get too heated.
- On the other hand, does the issue at hand require that you make a major sacrifice or compromise your personal values? If so, this may be an issue that requires a pause to let you calm down and come back to at a later date before reaching a decision.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Using Your Voice

1
Be aware of your core values.^{[7]XResearch source} Being able to confidently and effectively assert yourself requires self-knowledge. This is not referring to basic likes and dislikes—it goes deeper to include your needs, beliefs, ideas, and values. When you have knowledge of what’s most important to you, it becomes easier to identify on which issues you should use your voice and on which you can overlook.
- Values are the traits that make you feel most happy and fulfilled in life. When you have them, you are satisfied. When they are missing, you may feel incomplete. Try to jot down a list of your personal values. You can also ask a friend or family member to describe you in a few words. If they know you well enough, chances are, they will probably use your values as descriptions.
2
Accept differences in background, culture, and experience. Both you and your boyfriend have different ideas about how life should be lived based on where each of you comes from. Practice acceptance by remembering that you are bound to disagree and that having these disagreements gives you the opportunity to enhance your bond.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Try to view certain situations from your boyfriend’s point-of-view, considering how he may have come to a particular opinion from experience. Doing so can help you to address the problem or the behavior as opposed to attacking him personally.
Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, which means that it is vital that you start learning to express yourself in everyday life.^{[9]XResearch source} When you feel comfortable upholding your values and stating your opinions on a regular basis, you won’t see disagreements as such a big deal.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
What if my boyfriend and I can't reach an agreement?
Maureen Taylor
Communications Coach
Maureen Taylor is the CEO and Founder of SNP Communications, a leadership communications company based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has been helping leaders, founders, and innovators in all sectors hone their messaging and delivery for almost 30 years, and has worked with leaders and teams at Google, Facebook, Airbnb, SAP, Salesforce, and Spotify.
Maureen Taylor
Communications Coach
Expert Answer
Try to understand your boyfriend's perspective, and then negotiate. Sometimes, situations aren't win or lose, and you have to come to some sort of agreement.
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Question
What should I do when my boyfriend disagrees with me?
Maureen Taylor
Communications Coach
Maureen Taylor is the CEO and Founder of SNP Communications, a leadership communications company based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has been helping leaders, founders, and innovators in all sectors hone their messaging and delivery for almost 30 years, and has worked with leaders and teams at Google, Facebook, Airbnb, SAP, Salesforce, and Spotify.
Maureen Taylor
Communications Coach
Expert Answer
You can't be afraid of disagreement—you have to embrace it, because that's how you learn. Approach the conversation with the attitude "Why do you say that?" or "Why should I think your way?" At the end of the conversation, you'll either know more or have something more persuasive to say in response.
Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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