X
This article was co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
There are 15 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 60,659 times.
If you're in a relationship, you'll need to have a difficult conversation with your boyfriend at some point. It may be hard to get started, but clearing the air will make you feel better and lead to a healthier relationship. The most important thing is to be respectful of his feelings, just as he should be of yours.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Preparing for the Conversation
Take some time to think. Before starting the conversation, think about what you hope to achieve. If you're not sure, you may not want to start the conversation yet.[1]- For instance, maybe you want his behavior to change. Maybe you want him to consider your feelings more. Whatever it is, you need to be clear about that before you begin.[2]
- Don't just look at your surface purposes. For instance, you may think you want to help your boyfriend by bringing up a topic, but you may be wanting to punish him for a mistake instead.[3]
Sort out your emotions. You don't want to go into a conversation angry. If you're angry, he'll get angry. Try to figure out what you're feeling and why, and take some time to calm down before you start.[4]Advertisement
Decide what is negotiable and non-negotiable. A relationship is always give-and-take. If you're wanting something from your boyfriend, you need to know what you're willing to give. However, you don't want to give up on something that's really important to you or genuinely hurts your feelings. Stand your ground on what you need to, but be willing to bend on other points.[5]- For instance, you may be upset when your boyfriend tunes out when you want to talk. It hurts your feelings. You can ask him to drop things when you use a certain phrase or code word, but you can agree to take what he's doing at the time into consideration and not try to catch him at a bad time.[6]
Don't wait too long. Yes, you need to take a moment to cool down, but you don't want to wait too long. If you wait too long, you'll likely just move on with life and just avoid having the conversation at all, which isn't healthy for your relationship.[7]Advertisement
Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Talking to Your Boyfriend
Pick a good time. Don't start a conversation when you're going to bed. Don't start a conversation when one of you is busy doing something else. Pick a time you can both focus, when you don't have to be anywhere else.[8]- In addition, don't start a difficult conversation in front of someone else. Pick a time when you're in a private space with no audience.[9]
Start on a positive note. If you start out saying something positive, it will help you ease into the not as positive part of the conversation. For instance, you could say something you value about him or why you like being with him.[10]- As an example, you could say, "I'm so grateful to have you in my life. You're such a strong person."
Be direct. Make sure your partner knows soon what the conversation is about. Also, be clear about the fact that you need to make your feelings known.[11] Sometimes, it's hard for you to talk about what you need to do without your partner being receptive; letting him know upfront will help clear the way for you.[12]- It's easy to slip into passive aggressive behavior when communicating with loved ones. That is, you slip into a style of communication where you mask your true feelings and anger by trying to covertly manipulate the person. However, being honest and direct is better for building a healthy relationship.[13]
- For instance, a passive aggressive statement might be "I can see why you like video games. Playing video games can help kids develop hand-eye coordination," which is a stab disguised as a compliment, as it implies that what he does is for kids only. Instead, you could say something such as, "I know you enjoy playing video games, but I sometimes feel left out when you want to play all the time," which is a more direct statement of your feelings.[14]
Describe your feelings using "I." Instead of making a "you" statement, which can feel like you're trying to blame the other person, use an "I" statement. That is, instead of saying something such as "You never get home on time," you can say, "I get upset when you don't get home at the same time most days because I worry about your safety, and I like to sit down to dinner with you."[15]
Listen as much as you talk. If you are trying to build a relationship, that means you need to consider your boyfriend's feelings, as well. Therefore, when you're talking, make sure that you take time to listen, too. That means actually hearing what the other person is saying and considering it, not just trying to make an argument against it. If you're just trying to figure out what to say, you aren't really hearing what the other person is telling you.[16]- Try restating what you're boyfriend is saying back to him. That shows you are actually listening, and you make sure that you understand what he is saying.
Skip uncalled for statements. You know how to push your boyfriend's buttons, and you can make some statements that really hurt if you wanted to. However, if you want to be respectful of your boyfriend, try to skip those in difficult discussions and arguments. They will only make both of you upset and distract from the topic at hand.[17]Advertisement
Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Moving Forward
Realize that you may be in the wrong, too. You probably think you are right in what you are bringing up; like most people, you might have some trouble seeing someone else's point of view. When opening up a discussion, you have to be willing to consider what the other person is saying may be right.[18]- However, that doesn't mean that he shouldn't take your feelings into consideration, whichever way.
Stop for a little while. If you find that you are both getting upset, it may be best to take a breather from the conversation. You can start it up again when you have both calmed down, either in a few hours or another day.[19]
Show appreciation. Tell your boyfriend that you're grateful he listened to you. Tell him that you are glad you are in a relationship where you can be open with each other.[20]
Discuss how you can move forward. Of course, if you're upset, something needs to change in the relationship. Decide how you can move forward by talking about what both of you need in the relationship.[21] Remember that you both need to give a little, as you must in any relationship. Be positive, and work towards a solution you both can live with.[22]Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
SubmitAdvertisement
References
- ↑ http://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php
- ↑ https://www.americanexpress.com/us/small-business/openforum/articles/top-ten-tips-for-handling-the-difficult-conversation/
- ↑ http://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php
- ↑ http://www.judyringer.com/resources/articles/we-have-to-talk-a-stepbystep-checklist-for-difficult-conversations.php
- ↑ https://www.americanexpress.com/us/small-business/openforum/articles/top-ten-tips-for-handling-the-difficult-conversation/
- ↑ https://www.americanexpress.com/us/small-business/openforum/articles/top-ten-tips-for-handling-the-difficult-conversation/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
- ↑ http://marriagemissions.com/how-can-i-start-a-difficult-conversation-with-my-spouse/
- ↑ http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a4762/fight-fair-to-improve-your-relationship-106029/
- ↑ http://www.engagedmarriage.com/communication/how-to-talk-to-your-partner
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201403/7-reasons-why-people-use-passive-aggressive-behavior
- ↑ http://www.coachingpositiveperformance.com/8-examples-passive-aggressive-behaviour/
- ↑ http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a4762/fight-fair-to-improve-your-relationship-106029/
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/tips_disagree.html
- ↑ http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a4762/fight-fair-to-improve-your-relationship-106029/
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalie-puiman/9-easy-steps-to-manage-difficult-conversations-like-a-pro_b_5861116.html
- ↑ http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a4762/fight-fair-to-improve-your-relationship-106029/
- ↑ http://marriagemissions.com/how-can-i-start-a-difficult-conversation-with-my-spouse/
- ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
- ↑ http://marriagemissions.com/how-can-i-start-a-difficult-conversation-with-my-spouse/
About this article
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. This article has been viewed 60,659 times.
How helpful is this?
Co-authors: 14
Updated: October 6, 2021
Views: 60,659
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 60,659 times.
Did this article help you?
⚠️ Disclaimer:
Content from Wiki How English language website. Text is available under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License; additional terms may apply.
Wiki How does not encourage the violation of any laws, and cannot be responsible for any violations of such laws, should you link to this domain, or use, reproduce, or republish the information contained herein.
- - A few of these subjects are frequently censored by educational, governmental, corporate, parental and other filtering schemes.
- - Some articles may contain names, images, artworks or descriptions of events that some cultures restrict access to
- - Please note: Wiki How does not give you opinion about the law, or advice about medical. If you need specific advice (for example, medical, legal, financial or risk management), please seek a professional who is licensed or knowledgeable in that area.
- - Readers should not judge the importance of topics based on their coverage on Wiki How, nor think a topic is important just because it is the subject of a Wiki article.
Advertisement
