How to Talk to a Partner About Your Sexual Fantasies

Talking about your sexual fantasies can be scary, especially if you aren’t in the habit of discussing sex with your partner. Luckily, this is one of those things that gets a lot easier after the first conversation. The more you talk about sex with your partner, the more you normalize it and the subject will become less intimidating. Remember, human beings are sexual by nature and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re interested in trying new things in the bedroom.

Question 1 of 7:

How do you tell your partner about your fantasy?

Be vulnerable and open about what you want to try in bed. Just say, “I’d like to talk about a fantasy I have, but I’m not sure if you’ll be open to it,” or something along those lines. Your partner is very likely to be receptive and respectful if you’re being honest and vulnerable. If they’re receptive, explain that while you love being intimate with them, you want to try something new out.^{[1]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- If your partner tends to be open and adventurous person, feel free to bring it up casually at the start of foreplay. Some people tend to be more receptive to new fantasies if they’re already in the mood.
- If your partner is a little skittish about discussing sex, bring it up during a walk in the park or calm night out. If you do it at home or right before you’re getting intimate, they may feel like you’re pressuring them to act on the fantasy now.

Question 2 of 7:

How do you talk about fantasies if they’re embarrassing?

Bring the fantasy up casually to see how they react.^{[2]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 27 October 2021.} Mention it in an indirect way over a glass of wine one night, or comment on a fantasy if someone references it in a movie or TV show. This way, you can gauge your partner’s reaction before you tell them this is something you’re interested in. This is a great option if the fantasy is a little taboo or you’re scared about how your partner will respond.^{[3]XResearch source}
- For example, if you’re interested in something like bondage, you could tell your partner you want to watch Fifty Shades of Grey the next time the two of you are browsing Netflix. During a lull in the film, you could ask, “Is this something you’d ever be interested in?” to just see what they say.
- You could also just grab a drink and say, “I read this article the other day about common sexual fantasies. Do you have any fantasies you want to explore?” This will get the ball rolling, and they’re sure to ask, “What about you, do you have any fantasies?” after they’ve answered your question.

Question 3 of 7:

How do you communicate with your partner about sex?

Treat conversations about sex like they’re mundane and normal. Don’t shy away from using “naughty” words, and try to avoid cracking childish jokes that make sex seem taboo or funny. Discussing sex in a relationship can be difficult if it feels like both parties aren’t respectful and open to talking about it.^{[4]XResearch source} It can be hard to talk about sex if you aren’t used to doing it, but it gets a lot easier if that first conversation has a laid-back tone.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Remember, having sexual feelings and fantasies is totally normal. There’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. At the same time, don’t get down if you’re nervous to talk to your partner about sex. Every couple has to navigate this road together, and it’s always a little scary at the start!

Question 4 of 7:

Should you talk about sexual urges?

1
If you want to act on those urges, absolutely! Studies have shown time and time again that couples who talk about sex regularly are more satisfied with their love life. So if this is something you’re actually interested in trying out, tell your partner about it.^{[6]XResearch source}
- The worst that happens is your partner says they aren’t comfortable with it. However, they may come around on the idea after thinking about it for a few days. They may also be willing to give it a shot if they’re feeling especially kinky one night!
2
Keep it to yourself if it isn’t something you actually want to do. It’s totally normal to have urges you don’t necessarily want to act on. If this is the case, you don’t have to share them with your partner. Everyone has dirty thoughts from time to time, and fantasizing is totally fine if it isn’t something you want to actively pursue.^{[7]XResearch source}
- A good example here is the threesome, which is an extremely common fantasy. If you like the idea in theory but the thought of sharing your partner with someone else kind of freaks you out, there’s nothing wrong with keeping that one to yourself.
- If a fantasy involves doing something illegal, dangerous, or harmful to your relationship, it’s probably a good idea to leave that one alone.

Question 5 of 7:

What are the most common fantasies?

1
Threesomes, BDSM, and public sex are all extremely common. BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, and sadism.^{[8]XResearch source} If consensual spanking, being tied up, or tying your partner sounds fun, this may be something to explore!^{[9]XResearch source} Other common fantasies include exhibitionism, voyeurism, same-sex interactions, public sex, and swinging.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Voyeurism is where you get to enjoy watching somebody else perform a sexual act. Exhibitionism is where you enjoy someone else watching you.^{[11]XResearch source}
2
If your fantasy isn’t particularly common, it’s not a big deal. It’s hard to know which fantasies are the most popular since there isn’t a ton of data out there on this, but rest assured that whatever fantasy you have, someone else has had it before and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.^{[12]XResearch source}
- So long as your fantasies don’t involve breaking any laws or violating someone’s consent, there’s nothing wrong with them. If you do find yourself drawn to fantasies that involve violating someone’s boundaries or doing something illegal, talk to a doctor or therapist.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}

Question 6 of 7:

Is it normal to fantasize about people other than your partner?

Yes, this is a totally normal thing to do. You aren’t being unfaithful or doing anything wrong by having a sexual thoughts about other people.^{[14]XResearch source} However, there’s an important distinction between recognizing someone is attractive and being turned on, and violating your partner’s boundaries by acting on those feelings.^{[15]XResearch source}
- It’s not like being in a relationship automatically means your partner is the only good-looking person on the planet, but it does mean that you’ve made a commitment to honor your partner by not betraying their trust.
- If you are in an open relationship or you’re polyamorous, there’s nothing wrong with acting on attractions to other people so long as you communicate with your partners and you’re open and honest about what you’re doing.

Question 7 of 7:

How do you talk to my partner about a lack of sex?

1
Use “I” statements to talk about your feelings—not their behavior. If you start talking about all the things your partner isn’t doing, they may get defensive or insecure. Broach the subject with love and empathy, and say something like, “I love you, and I love being intimate with you, but I feel like we aren’t clicking lately.”^{[16]XResearch source}
- It’s possible (if not likely) that your partner has no idea anything is even wrong if you haven’t discussed it before. Even if you’ve been a little frustrated lately, try not to take things out on them. It helps to remember it’s you and your partner versus a problem—not you versus your partner.
2
Give your partner time to process and respond. For a lot of people, hearing that their partner is less than completely satisfied can be devastating, so don’t push super hard at the start of the conversation. Take the conversation slow and remind them that you love them if they start getting upset.^{[17]XResearch source}
- It could be that your partner is dealing with something they haven’t told you about, and this is distracting them and throwing them into a funk. The odds are extremely high your lack of intimacy has nothing to do with anything you’re doing wrong.

Expert Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Tips

It’s actually extremely common for heterosexual people to have fantasies about being with a same-sex partner and the reverse is true as well. If this is something you’re worried about, don’t be. It’s perfectly normal to have thoughts like this and it doesn’t change anything about who you are.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
Thanks
Helpful0 Not Helpful0
Talk to your doctor if your sex drive is low and you’re on medication. There are a ton of drugs that can mess with your sex drive. Antidepressants, birth control pills, antihistamines, and hair loss medication are common culprits.^{[19]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
Thanks
Helpful0 Not Helpful0