How to Talk to Your Teen About Sex

Explore this Article

methods

1Figuring Out What You Want to Say

2Communicating Effectively

3Providing Resources

Other Sections

Video

Tips and Warnings

Related Articles

References

Sex is an important part of growing up. Your teen might be interested in sex, or you might just think it's time to have "the talk". If you have a teenager, it is probably time to make sure they understand the physical and emotional components of becoming sexually active. It might feel uncomfortable to have this conversation, but it is necessary. There are several steps you can take to make this talk constructive for both you and your teen.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Figuring Out What You Want to Say

1. 
   1
   Plan ahead. Some people find it very difficult to talk to their teenager about sex. It can feel uncomfortable and awkward. If you are well-prepared for this important talk, you'll feel more confident and comfortable.

   • Write down your main points. Spend some time thinking about what you really want to convey during this talk.
   • Do you want to include information about safe sex? Write it down. Do you want to make sure your teen knows where to get birth control? Write it down.
   • Take time to practice. Go over your notes with a friend or in front of your bathroom mirror.
   • It's up to you when to talk to your teen about sex. If they start asking questions at an early age, go ahead and answer. If your teen doesn't seem interested, you can wait until they are a little older. Going through puberty is generally a good indicator that they are ready to learn.
2. 
   2
   Be prepared for questions. It's definitely helpful to plan ahead for this important discussion. While you can't know exactly how your teen will respond, you can try to anticipate certain reactions. Be ready to answer questions, as your teen might have several.

   • Your teen might ask, "How will I know if I'm ready to have sex?" You can explain that there is no rush, and that there are lots of other ways to be intimate.
   • Another common question is, "What if I'm being pressured to have sex?" You might want to say something like, "No one has the right to pressure you. You are in charge of your own body and you can make your own choices."
   • Many teens will use this opportunity to discuss sexuality. It is common for a teen to ask, "What if I think I'm gay?" In this case, let your teen know that you love them unconditionally and offer to help them sort through their feelings.
3. 
   3
   Talk about facts versus beliefs. For many people, sex is intertwined with religion or other personal values. When you talk to your child about sex, you should include a discussion of both facts and beliefs. Talk about each, and differentiate between the two.

   • Make your personal values clear. For example, if you believe in waiting until marriage for sex, say that clearly to your teen.
   • You should also be pragmatic and realize your teen might have different values. You can say, "I would prefer that you wait until you are married. But if you have other ideas, please know that I am always willing to listen to you."
   • You can explain that many people have certain beliefs about sex. Be clear that there are differences between community beliefs, such as those at church, and scientific facts.
   • For example, maybe your faith prohibits the use of birth control. You can still explain the facts behind the science.
   • Try not to preach. You can make your point of view clear, but still say, "I'm happy to listen to you and answer questions."
4. 
   4
   Discuss physical aspects of sex. When you are figuring out what you want to say, make sure to include some facts about the physical aspects of sex. For example, depending on your teen's age and knowledge, you might want to explain the mechanics of intercourse. It's okay to start by saying, "Can you tell me what you already know?"

   • Discuss the male and female reproductive systems. You can say, "Do you mind if I take a few minutes to make sure you understand how pregnancy occurs?"
   • Be frank. Use the proper names for body parts, and don't try to shy away from discussing bodily functions.
   • Talk about STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). Make sure that your teen is aware of the physical risks of unprotected sex, such as HIV and chlamydia.
5. 
   5
   Talk about emotional consequences. When you talk to your teen about sex, it's a good idea to discuss the emotional aspects of having sex. Becoming sexually active can cause a lot of new feelings for your teen. Plan to discuss emotional changes.

   • You can explain to your teen that sex is a very intimate experience. They might start to feel deeper feelings for their partner.
   • Make sure your teen understands the important aspects of a healthy relationship. For example, the person they date should make them feel good about themselves and show them respect and kindness.
   • Discuss unintended emotional consequences. Make sure your teen understands rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse.
6. 
   6
   Be prepared to provide accurate information. You want your teen to come away from this talk with a clear understanding of sex. Make sure that the facts you provide are accurate. If you don't know something, take time to look it up before your talk.

   • It's okay if you don't know every possible form of birth control. But you want your teen to have as much information as possible, right? Take some time to explore the Planned Parenthood website and learn something new.
   • Your teen might ask a question that you don't know the answer to. That's fine, you can't possibly know everything. If that happens, just say, "I don't know, but I'm happy to help you find the answer."
   Advertisement

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

1. 
   1
   Choose the right time. Remember that the goal is to talk to your teen about sex. This means that you should have a discussion, not give a lecture. Pick a time that is convenient for both of you to talk.

   • Many parents find that the car is a good place to have an important conversation with their teen. You can concentrate on talking with minimal distractions.
   • Find a teachable moment. A good way to start a conversation is to have it occur organically. Bring up the topic when there is a natural opening.
   • For example, maybe you are watching tv together and the story line involves teenage sex. You can turn to your teen and say, "Is that something you've been thinking about?"
   • Or maybe you have a relative who recently had a baby. You can ask your teen if they have any questions about pregnancy.
2. 
   2
   Be open-minded. You and your teen might have very different opinions about sex. It is okay to voice your beliefs. However, it is also important to demonstrate that you are open-minded.

   • You can tell your teen that you will not judge them. Try saying, "I'm not here to judge you, I'm just here to listen."
   • You can also try to look at things from a different perspective. Think of your teen as an individual, and help them make their own choices.
   • You can try saying, "I've never thought of that before. What makes you feel that way?"
3. 
   3
   Actively listen. A good conversation will occur when both you and your teen are active participants. Give your teen plenty of opportunities to express their feelings and ask questions. Show your teen that you are listening.

   • Pay attention. It's easy to become distracted by trying to fix dinner or answer an e-mail, but give your teen your full attention.
   • Maintain eye contact. This will help your teen know that you are listening carefully.
   • Demonstrate that you are listening by paraphrasing. Try saying, "I hear you saying that you feel pressured to have sex. That must be pretty confusing."
4. 
   4
   Be honest. Talking about sex with your teen can be delicate. You want to keep your teen safe. Remember that the best way to do that is by being honest.

   • Maybe you want to tell your teen to wait until marriage for sex. A natural question from them might be, "Did you wait?"
   • Give a truthful response. You can say, "No, I didn't, but I wish that I would have."
   • Don't try to scare your teen with made up facts. For example, don't tell them inaccurate facts about how STDs are transmitted. Remember that accurate information is the best way to keep them safe.
5. 
   5
   Have a follow-up discussion. Keeping the lines of communication open. Let your teen know that they can come talk to you about sex at anytime. This initial conversation does not have to answer all of the questions.

   • You can try saying, "I know that's a lot of information to handle. Let me know if any questions occur to you later."
   • You can also say something like, "I know things change, so feel free to come to me anytime you find yourself in a new situation."
   • Try checking in a few days after the initial talk. You can say, "Thanks for your honesty the other day. Is there anything else that you thought of that you want to know?"
   Advertisement

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Providing Resources

1. 
   1
   Offer additional information. Your teen might be initially hesitant to talk about sex with you. It's normal to encounter some reluctance. Just reassure your teen that you are there to help. You can also give them other information.

   • If your teen is curious about a particular aspect of sex, you can try giving them a book to read. For example, there are several useful works on figuring out one's sexuality.
   • Direct them towards a useful website. For example, Planned Parenthood offers resources on a variety of sex-related topics.
2. 
   2
   Consult friends or family. Having a talk about sex with your teen might be difficult for you. It can be emotional and maybe even a little scary. Don't be afraid to ask for advice if you need it.

   • Ask a close friend or family member to help you out. You can say, "I really need some advice on how to talk to Adam about sex. Any ideas?"
   • You can also ask a pastor or rabbi. These people are skilled in helping families communicate.
   • Do some research. There are lots of books and websites available that can help you to figure out the right approach.
3. 
   3
   Set boundaries. Being open-minded does not mean that you relinquish control in the relationship. Make sure that your teen knows you are willing to listen, but that there are still rules. Clearly outline the boundaries in your house.

   • For example, maybe you don't want your teen alone in your house with their boyfriend or girlfriend. You can make that clear.
   • Don't be afraid to set a curfew. Just because your teen is sexually active does not mean they are suddenly an adult.
   • Ask for information. If your teen tells you they are having sex, you should feel within your rights to ask what kind of birth control they are using.
4. 
   4
   Be supportive. The most important part of talking to your teen about sex is making sure that they know they can count on you. Becoming an adult can be a confusing process. Your support can make a big difference.

   • Tell your teen that you love them. You can say, "No matter what, I will always love you."
   • You can also remind them that you can be trusted. Remind them that you will not judge, you are there to help and listen.
   Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Advertisement

Video

Tips

• Be prepared to answer a lot of questions.
  Thanks

  Helpful10Not Helpful4
• Base the conversation on your teen's needs. If they need a lot of scientific facts, provide them.
  Thanks

  Helpful8Not Helpful6
• Be ready to offer additional resources.
  Thanks

  Helpful6Not Helpful6

Advertisement