How to Talk to Your Mother About Something Private

When a sensitive issue in your life becomes too much, it is natural to turn to your mother. However, sometimes it can feel awkward to confide in your mom.^{[1]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.} This is normal, and there are many ways to make the conversation easier. Prepare ahead of time by deciding how and when to have the conversation. Go in expecting some stress, but be direct and polite throughout the conversation. Strive to end things on a good note. Ask your mom for advice and thank her for her time.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Making Decisions about the Conversation

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Figure out a good time to talk. If you want to talk about something potentially uncomfortable, it's important to find the right time and place. Talking when your mother is busy or stressed will only make an uncomfortable situation more stressful.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Choose a time with no external time constraints. If you're telling your mother something private or embarrassing, you want to make sure the two of you can talk out the issue for as long as necessary.
- You should also pick a time when you and your mom are generally not stressed. You don't want to talk to her about something embarrassing or awkward when you're already in a bad mood. If you both tend to have down time Saturday, this may be a good time to talk as you'll both be relaxed.
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Prepare for some embarrassment.^{[3]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.} If you're talking something private over with a parent, there is likely to be some embarrassment. This is normal. It will be easier to go into the situation if you expect you're going to be embarrassed.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Do not try to talk yourself out of feeling embarrassed or awkward. This is only likely to make you focus on these feelings more. Try to start the conversation with the acknowledgment that the subject is uncomfortable.^{[5]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
  Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.}
- Instead, accept that you'll feel embarrassed but remind yourself why you want to talk things out. For example, you may want to talk to your mom about something like being pregnant or having a family. While raising the topic is difficult, your mom can give you valuable advice on the topic as she's older and more experienced.
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Figure out what you want to get out of the conversation.^{[6]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.} You should not go into the conversation without some idea of what you want. If you're telling your mother something private, you're doing so for a reason. Think about why you want to talk this over with your mom. Knowing what you want can also help you better direct the conversation.^{[7]XResearch source}
- You may just want your mom to listen. If you're going through an embarrassing personal problem, you may just want to vent to someone. If this is the case, you can let your mom know you don't want advice or guidance.
- However, you may want advice about something. Think about whether or not your mom's input would be helpful. If you want advice, you can ask for it directly. For example, "Mom, I need to ask you for advice about something."
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

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Begin the conversation.^{[8]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.} You may be very nervous approaching your mom. However, one simple sentence can easily get the conversation going. Take a few deep breaths and approach your mom to start talking.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Try something simple. For example, "Mom, could we talk when you're not busy? There's something I want to tell you."
- If you're nervous your mom will be mad, try to give her a head's up about this. For example, "Mom, something happened that I think you might be upset about. I need to talk to you about it anyway, even if you end up mad at me."
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Be direct.^{[10]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.} There's no sense hovering around the subject. If you have something important to talk about, bring it up right away without hesitating. Being as direct as possible can help the conversation start off in an open, honest place.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Provide your mother with everything she needs to understand the situation. Avoid hinting at anything.
- For example, start off with a clear, direct statement like, "Mom, I've been seeing Zak for every day now and he wants to go to a party for the first time. I'm not sure I'm ready, but he keeps telling me about it. I don't really know what to do."
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Listen to your mom's perspective. You may not necessarily want guidance. However, it's a parents' job to offer a child guidance.^{[12]XResearch source} Even if you disagree with your mom, try to let her share her opinion without interrupting.^{[13]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.}
- Try to understand your mom's point of view. If you're feeling frustrated with her, pause and try to step into her shoes. Consider why your mom may feel the way she does about a situation.
- For example, you're telling your mom a classmate is being obsessed with a certain subject. Your mom has a very negative reaction. While you may feel your mother is being judgmental, maybe she had a classmate develop a serious mental disorder in high school. This may be why she's having such a negative reaction.
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Stay polite and respectful throughout the conversation.^{[14]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.} If you're sharing something private, there's always a chance your mother may not react the way you want. She may be upset, worried, or even angry. However, despite your mother's reaction, try to stay calm. You do not want the situation to turn into an argument, as this will not help the two of you work things out.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Remember basic manners. Do not interrupt or raise your voice.
- Always acknowledge you heard what your mom said, even if you didn't like it. For example, "I understand you think Natalie's an unsuccessful student, but I really care about her as a friend."
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Ending on a Good Note

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Avoid arguing. You never want to let a discussion turn into an argument. Even if your mom reacts negatively, refrain from arguing with her. Keep your tone calm and respectful throughout the conversation, even if you feel like your mom is being unfair.^{[16]XResearch source}
- If you feel like you're losing your temper, it's okay to take a break. Say something like, "I feel like we're not getting anywhere. Can we take a break and talk about this later?"^{[17]XExpert SourceMaggie Mitchell
  Life CoachExpert Interview. 18 October 2021.}
- You can then do something to get rid of your anger, like go for a walk or vent to a friend.
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Cope with a negative reaction. Your mom may not react the way you wanted. She may get angry about the subject, or even punish you or make a new rule regarding your behavior. If your mother has a negative reaction, try to cope with it effectively.^{[18]XResearch source}
- If your mom is lecturing you or talking to you in a way that is not helpful, let her know. Say something like, "I really don't need advice. I just wanted to talk."
- If your mom makes a rule for your behavior (i.e., "I don't want you going to school events or parties anymore.") accept the rule for now. You can talk to your mom again once she's calmed down. Being argumentative may just make your mom double down on the rule.^{[19]XResearch source}
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Ask for advice, if you want it. You may want your mom's advice. This may be why you're raising the conversation to begin with. If you want guidance, ask for it after telling your mom about the topic. Say something like, "I just really wanted your advice because I'm not sure what to do."^{[20]XResearch source}
- Remember, just because someone offers advice doesn't mean you have to take it. However, it can be helpful to just listen to and consider your mom's point of view.
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Talk to someone else if your mom won't listen. Some subjects may be too tricky to introduce to your mom. If your mom reacts very negatively and does not want to talk about it, reach out to another adult.^{[21]XResearch source}
- You can talk to another parent, an aunt or uncle, an older sibling, or a friend's parent.
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