How to Talk to Kids About Tough Issues

Talking to your children about tough issues, like a death, a divorce, or even their own changing bodies can be intimidating. Children of all ages can understand difficult topics, so it’s important to show them respect and understanding while you talk. By keeping a few simple things in mind, you can approach tough topics delicately to talk with your child and hear what they have to say.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Developing a Bond

1
Spend quality time with your child(ren). If your child is young, head out for a fun afternoon at the park, the zoo, or the library. If you have an older child or a teenager, try going to an arcade or hanging out at the mall. Take the time to chat and ask them about their lives while you share fun experiences together to build memories.^{[1]XResearch source}
- If you have multiple children, you can spend time with all of them at the same time or try to take them out one on one.
2
Let your children make their own decisions. Even little things, like what they want to eat for breakfast or how to decorate their room, can give your children confidence and autonomy. It will also help your children believe that you trust them and their decision-making skills, which can strengthen your overall bond.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- This doesn’t pertain to big decisions, like whether to go to school or not. However, you can let your child decide on things like what to wear, which friends to hang out with, and what extracurricular activities to do.
3
Avoid pressuring your child to do something they aren’t interested in unless it really matters. This includes things from joining a sports team to eating broccoli. The more you show them that you respect their personality, the more you’ll bond with each other.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Sometimes you might need your child to do something. In those cases, you can be calm and firm as you tell them.
4
Be firm when your child misbehaves. It can be easy to lose your temper and yell or give into your child’s demands when they’re being bad. Try to take a deep breath, give a clear “no,” and follow up with an explanation on why their action was a bad choice. For example:^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceHealthyChildren.orgHealth information from the American Academy of Pediatrics.Go to source}
- "You can’t say mean things to people because it hurts their feelings."
- "Hitting hurts people. It is not okay. I think you owe your brother an apology."
- "Just because you’re going through a tough time right now doesn’t mean you can act out at school. You need to pay attention in class and listen to your teacher."
5
Listen closely to your child when they talk. Work on actively listening to your child throughout the day so they know you’re paying attention. Nod your head, ask follow-up questions, and reduce the distractions around you to really listen.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- You can say things like, “That’s so interesting! What happened next?” and “Wow, that’s tough. Was everyone okay?”
6
Validate your child’s feelings by telling them you understand. Help soothe your child and calm them down by telling them that what they’re feeling is okay. Try to name the feeling that they might be experiencing and then telling them that you know what’s going on. Try something like:^{[6]XResearch source}
- "I know it's fun to play at the park, so I get why you’re upset. I like it here too! But we need to leave so that we can eat lunch."
- "That sounds like a difficult day. I can understand why you're upset."
7
Solve any problems together by talking them through. When you or your child identifies a problem, talk to them about how to solve it together. Brainstorm ideas and ask for their thoughts. See if you can come up with a solution that leaves both of you satisfied instead of taking over the conversation.^{[7]XResearch source}
- If your child is having trouble in school, say something like, “It looks like you’re having a hard time with math. Do you want me to help you study on the weekends?”
- If your child is having trouble keeping track of their stuff, try something like, “Where’s the best spot in the house to keep your shoes and your backpack so you don’t lose them?”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Explaining an Issue

1
Think about what you want to say ahead of time. You can practice in a mirror, in your head, or even with another adult. Try to prepare a loose outline of what you’d like to say so you don’t get flustered in the moment.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- For example, if you’re talking to your child about racism, you may want to touch on biases in the media, protests, and your child’s own feelings about skin color.
- If you’re telling them about a death in the family, you may want to practice keeping your voice calm while you recall all the happy memories you shared together.
2
Figure out what your kid knows already. Children are smart, and they may already know something about what you’re going to talk about (especially if they’re older). Ask them something like, “What have you heard about this?”^{[9]XResearch source}
- Younger children might not feel comfortable talking about what they know, especially if it’s a sensitive subject. If that’s the case, you can move onto what you have to say.
3
Choose a quiet time without any distractions. Find a time when they have eaten recently and you'll have a stretch of time where you can talk. Long car rides and evenings can be good times to discuss things.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Choose a time when you have the patience to sit through the conversation, too!
4
Use a neutral, calm tone. This will help reassure them. If you sound angry or disgusted, they might worry that it is their fault, or that there is something awful about the topic.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- If you're explaining something sad, such as sickness or death, it's natural to feel a little upset. You can explain why you’re sad so your child doesn’t get worried.
5
Stick to vocabulary that your child can understand. If your child is young, complex ideas and emotions might be hard to understand. Try using basic terms, like “mad,” “sad,” “afraid,” and “happy” to describe what’s going on.^{[12]XResearch source}
- For example, if you’re talking about a school shooting to a young child, you could say, “Something bad happened at school today that made a lot of people feel afraid. You don’t have to feel afraid right now since you’re safe, but your teachers and your classmates might be feeling sad.”
6
Be as honest as you can. It can be tempting to fall back on cutesy stories (such as babies coming from storks), but children can often suspect when you aren't being truthful with them. Be honest with how things work, and if you think they can't handle the whole picture, then give them a simplified version of the truth. You can expand on this as they age.^{[13]XResearch source}
- For example, if you’re explaining sex to a younger child: "Babies happen when a mommy and a daddy go through a special process in their bedrooms. The daddy's sperm and the mommy's egg meet inside the mommy's belly. The sperm in the egg turns into a baby that grows in her belly, and when the baby is ready, it comes out."
- Or about disability: "DNA is the set of instructions that tell your body how to build itself, kind of like computer code. Your sister has extra DNA in her body. This causes Down Syndrome, which is why she looks different from you and goes to the Special Ed classroom to learn."
7
Take time to answer any questions that they ask. Your child might be curious on the subject, and this is your opportunity to clear up misconceptions and assuage fears. Give them honest answers, and don’t be afraid to explore the topic a little more if they want to.^{[14]XResearch source}
- If your child asks a question you aren’t sure about or don’t feel comfortable answering right now, just say “Let me think about that one.”
8
Work through any feelings that your child is having. If this is a matter that personally affects you or them, one or both of you may have strong feelings. This also provides you a chance to model coping skills by sharing how you handle these difficult feelings. For example:^{[15]XResearch source}
- "Yes, I do worry about Mommy's cancer. I love her very much and want her to feel good. When I feel worried about her, I focus on what I can do, like doing nice things for her and being there to hug her and hold her hand."
- "Daddy and I aren't getting along. It's very frustrating for both of us, so it's better off if we don't live together anymore. Sometimes I get mad and need to take some quiet time to calm down. This isn't your fault; it's just part of divorcing."
9
Reassure your child. If your child is struggling with the concept, comfort them and let them talk it out. Show patience and understanding towards their feelings, and let them know that you’ll be here for them.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- You don't need to say "It'll be alright" if it truly might not be all right. (Your child can usually tell). Instead, try "I'm here for you" and "We'll get through this together."
- Remind them that you're always here to talk.
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How can I explain amputation to a young child?
Kammyisawesome
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Tell the child what is is, but don't go into detail because you might scare him or her.
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Is it okay to tell them that I can't answer that question even though I can?
Reepicheep
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Contrary to popular belief, kids can usually tell when you are lying, or they will find out later. Telling them you can't answer it isn't true, so don't. If they need to know the answer, tell them. If they do not need to know the information, give them a calm, kind answer as to why you can't tell them. They will understand.
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