How to Talk to Girls on Tinder

Tinder has become a huge force in the online dating scene, but finding a way to talk to girls that actually works can be tough. If you’ve tried the classic, “What’s up?” approach and been rejected, it might be time to step up your game. Girls on Tinder get messages from lots of different people, so your main goal is to show that you are different. With a couple of specific choices, talking to girls on Tinder is easier than you might think.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Starting the Conversation

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1
Make the first move. While some girls will message you first, it’s often up to you to make the first move. Waiting around for a girl to message you is passive, but starting the conversation is active and shows you are interested. Be sure to wait a few hours after you’ve matched so you don’t seem too eager.
- Girls often don’t want to move first for fear that a person will assume they are more interested than they actually are.
- Remember that even though you matched, it’s not a guarantee that a girl is going to respond to your message. Don’t take it too seriously if girls don’t always respond when you message them.
2
Include her name somewhere in the first message. If you want to make her feel like you are talking to her personally, that she’s not just another girl, use her name. People are more likely to respond positively when you use their name in conversation.
- Don’t go overboard and use it in every sentence. Once is enough.
- Include it at that beginning of the message like, “Hi, Layla. I was wondering how many people have quoted song lyrics to you on here?”
- Use it later for emphasis with something like, “I’ve always heard that you existed but I never quite believed it. Now it’s confirmed for me: a girl named Mallory really does exist.” It’s silly, but if you’re lucky she will think it’s cute.
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3
Craft an intriguing first message. Girls get many messages that are boring and all sound the same, so your goal is to stand out. Write something that is specifically for her and doesn’t seem like a line you use over and over again. You want her to be curious about talking to you.
- For example, say, “I can’t believe this happened again…” Follow up by mentioning how you get paired with lots girls that are food snobs (or another defining trait). Ideally, she’ll want to show you that she is different from the other girls.
- Your main goal is to get her thinking, so avoid anything that’s simple like “Hello,” “How are you?” or “What’s up?” Those won’t stand out to her and won’t make her want to talk to you.
- Other options are, “Tracy, could you settle a bet between me and my friend?” or “Jen, what should I message you if I really want you to respond?” or “Emily, if you had to pick any other person with my name to message you, who would it be?
4
Use proper grammar and spellcheck before you press send. Making a good impression is unlikely if you send a messy text with lots of slang and typos. You don’t necessarily have to capitalize and use punctuation, but definitely use full words and complete sentences. Girls appreciate when you care enough to write well.
- Don’t type: “Ay gurl, ben wondrin wut UR rely like, u wanna go out”
- Say something like, “Stacy, I saw you like Cage the Elephant. Are you going to see them at Coachella this summer?”
- Don’t second guess what you decide to write, but check it over to make sure you didn’t misspell anything. Also, make sure that autocorrect didn’t change what you meant to type.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Moving the Conversation Forward

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1
Mention something you found interesting in her profile. Before you start talking, check out her profile and find something that you have in common or that you find interesting. Reference this in your first or second message. Use it as topic of conversation to show her you are interested in her for more than just her profile picture.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For example, if she mentions that she likes biking, ask her what brand she thinks makes the best bike. Or if she has a photo that appears to be from a vacation, ask her where she travelled and what she thought of it.
- If you notice a common interest like a band, a hobby, or an organization, tell her your connection to it and ask her what she likes about it.
2
Ask thoughtful and genuine questions. As you continue talking, she may mention something you find interesting. Respond in a way that acknowledges what she said and responds specifically to it. Say something about what she said and then ask a follow up question.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Don’t respond with something like, “Oh, cool!” which makes her have to work to keep talking. Other things like “Sounds like fun,” or “I can’t believe it,” tend to be speed bumps in conversation.
- If she tells you she likes to play guitar, ask her if she has ever recorded herself playing, and if you could see the video.
- Other general follow up questions are, “Have you always wanted to do that?” “What was the hardest part of that?” or “Did you start on your own or did someone help you?”
3
Stick with short, focused messages. Long text messages are okay sometimes, but short is better when you’re first talking to a girl on Tinder. Write a maximum of two sentences, and don’t use lots of commas for complicated sentences. Focus on one thought or point per text so she can give a simple response.
- Don’t ramble like this: “I thought that I had seen you before. You were in my chem class, which was so boring. The only time I’ve used chemistry since then is mixing drinks, lol. I made a killer cocktail last weekend. But I ended up forgetting a meeting I had the next day.
- Keep it simple by saying, “I actually recognized you because we had a chem class together. Do you remember that professor who said ‘um’ all the time?”
4
Ask for her number or a date. After you talk a while, move onto the next step. If she has been talking to you and seems interested, she will probably give you her number. Since you’re already talking on the app, it’s okay to ask for a date from there. Suggest a neutral spot like a coffee shop close to you.
- Say, “It’s been fun messaging, but I’d like to hear your voice, too. Could I have your number?” It’s direct and she will either say yes or no. Even if she says no, ask her if she would like to keep talking.
- If you want to go out, say, “I’m not sure exactly where you live, but the Verve is a pretty central spot. Would you want to meet up there tomorrow night?

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How do I make a good Tinder profile if I want to be in a relationship?
Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.
Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Expert Answer
The most important thing is that your profile represents your interests, lifestyle, and personality. It's also really important to be clear about why you're on Tinder. A lot of people are afraid to do this, or they think it's better to cast a wide net. Unfortunately, if you don't explain why you're on Tinder, you'll end up attracting people that are looking for something you aren't ready to give them.
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