Living with an Autistic Spouse: How to Be a Supportive Partner

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1Ways to Support Your Partner

2Learning About Autism

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Are you hoping to support your autistic spouse and strengthen your marriage? Just like any relationship, a dynamic with an autistic partner needs patience, compromise, and communication. Here, we’ll discuss how to navigate marriage with someone who has Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and give you tips about how to see eye-to-eye. We’ll also discuss topics like sensory needs and social skills. Then, we’ll review how to remain informed about autism. Read on to become your autistic spouse’s best ally.

Things You Should Know

• Respect your partner's independence and let them voice what they need.
• Understand that verbal and non-verbal communication are typically challenges for autistic people.
• Embrace your spouse's sensory needs and help create an environment that feels safe and calming to them.
• Learn about autistic culture to get insight into the everyday life of an autistic person.

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Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Ways to Support Your Partner

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   Respect your autistic partner’s self-sufficiency. While autism comes with some challenges, it doesn’t hold people back from taking care of themselves. Even if your spouse experiences some interpersonal or cognitive differences—such as with communication or executive functioning—focus on what they’re capable of. Concentrate on how they can hold down their job or handle their own schedule. Resist the urge to jump in to help with tasks. If your partner wants you for anything, they’ll let you know.

   • It's okay to offer help to your spouse if you think that there's a need for it. Just remember to let them make their own choices.
     • For example, avoid telling your wife, “Let me take over.” Instead, try, "You look stressed out by the noise - do you want me to take over so you can go somewhere quieter?"
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   Have empathy for how your spouse processes the world. Your partner may perceive situations in a very unique manner. For example, they may find environments with loud noises or flashing lights exhausting. If they tense up or react negatively, remember—your spouse isn’t “misbehaving.” They’re just being themselves. If you seek to understand their tendencies, you’ll strengthen your relationship.

   • Your spouse may not be as social as you are and require alone time.
   • Focus on your partner’s body language. For example, if your husband seems uncomfortable, check in and ask something like, “Would you like to leave a little early tonight?”
   • Your spouse may not prefer verbal communication. Some autistic people require AAC—assistive augmented communication—because they can't reliably verbally communicate, or lose the ability to speak when overwhelmed.
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   Seek to understand your spouse’s everyday challenges. Since your autistic partner may experience anxiety due to the pressures of social norms or their reliance on routines, watch out for what adds stress to their life. Pay attention to the way your partner acts throughout the day. When you become more familiar with their habits and triggers, it’ll be easier to create a household dynamic that’s calm for both of you.

   • Learn to interpret body language. For example, you may find that your spouse gives very intense eye contact to focus on you or very little eye contact because it makes them nervous.
   • Consider how your spouse processes speech. You may find out they’re a literal thinker, so they don’t pick up on sarcasm or jokes very easily.
   • See if your spouse requires strict routines. If they become distressed when routines are interrupted, reassure them that you’ll work with their schedule and habits.
   • Ask if your spouse has different stimulation needs. You can help a hyposensitive autistic person by providing extra stimulation. Support a hypersensitive autistic person by keeping stimulation to a minimum and reducing sensory overload.
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   Discuss your spouse’s preferences and boundaries. Ask your partner what they need from you. For example, have them list the foods they don't like, then agree to have meals they will enjoy. Also request that they establish boundaries. For instance, if they ask not to be interrupted when they’re overwhelmed, make a calming down corner in the house where they can go for space. Coming up with solutions will help you both create a great system.

   • Avoid making assumptions about your spouse. Instead, let your partner directly communicate what they want.
   • Make sure you have boundaries set for yourself, too. For a healthy relationship, it’s important for you to both voice your needs.
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   Ask if your spouse wants to be openly autistic. To be openly autistic, your partner would let other people know they’re diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)—check if they’re comfortable with this. Discuss the benefits and the drawbacks of disclosing this. Once your partner makes their decision, support them by saying you respect their choice.

   • Maybe they’d like to be openly autistic to increase awareness and understanding of autism.
   • They may only want a select group of people to know about their diagnosis.
   • If they don't want to be openly autistic, don't talk about their autism to others.
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   Embrace your spouse’s talents and special interests. Practice active listening when your partner expresses intense fascinations with certain subjects. Be supportive about the way they spend a lot of time researching a topic. Also pay attention to your partner’s talents, which may range from athletic abilities to trivia. Use words of affirmation and praise your spouse, which will raise their self-esteem.

   • If your autistic partner shares a lot of information, use the moment as an opportunity to bond with them.
   • When you understand autistic strengths, you’ll be able to appreciate your partner even more.
   • Try to engage with your partner’s interests. For example, if your wife has a special interest in cooking, help them to research recipes that they'll enjoy making.
   • Let your spouse have time to focus intently on things, whether or not those things are special interests. Deeply focusing can help your spouse unwind.
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   Be aware of why your partner needs to “stim.” If your partner repeats behaviors like flapping their hands, playing with their hair, or rocking back and forth, realize that these habits are just ways for them to soothe themselves. When you put it in perspective that “stimming” helps your spouse regulate their emotions and handle sensory input, you’ll see it as a normal part of their lifestyle.

   • Stimming shouldn’t be stopped unless it can harm you or your spouse.
   • If your spouse needs to avoid distracting others in settings like their workplace, talk about how to stim discreetly.
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   Emotionally support your spouse when they need it. Realize that adapting to an “allistic”—non-autistic—world can take a toll on your partner. Check in with your partner and see if they suffer from mental illness, such as depression or anxiety. Also ask how they feel affected by their circumstances. Validate your spouse’s feelings and tell them that you’re there for them. While your autistic spouse may not show it, they’ll appreciate your support.

   • Share your schedules so you can make quality time to unpack what’s been going on.
   • Make sure you have emotional support for yourself, too, especially if your spouse has a mental illness. Your spouse may be able to support you, but make sure you have friends and family that you can rely on, too.
   • If you and your spouse are really struggling with your marriage, it's okay to look for marriage counseling.
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   Respect their need to de-stress and decompress. Your spouse will need more quiet time than most people do. This isn't a reflection on your relationship or their love for you. Quiet time helps them de-stress and be their best selves.

   • Sometimes, this quiet time needs to be alone. Other times, they might be okay doing a quiet activity together, like watching their favorite TV show. Ask what they need right now.
   • They'll need extra quiet time after social outings or changes to routine. Plan ahead for this.
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    Support your spouse in social situations. If you suspect your partner is struggling when they’re out with people, step in and help. For example, they may have trouble starting a conversation, or others may not understand their speech patterns. When this happens, read everyone’s body language, stand by your partner’s side, and change the subject to bring the focus somewhere else. Your spouse will be glad you smoothed everything over.

    • If your spouse says something that comes off as impolite or hurtful, pull them aside and let them know. Most autistic people will feel remorse and apologize once they understand the impact of their words.
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    Avoid forcing your spouse outside of their comfort zones. Allow your partner to keep their routines and stimming habits so they can self-regulate. To avoid meltdowns or shutdowns, accept that your partner needs to prevent sensory overload. Let your spouse decide when to try new activities or break habits. A healthy marriage requires both partners to look out for their own interests and needs for balance.

    • If your partner’s habits impact their health, gently encourage a lifestyle swap. For example, ask them to bring snacks to their desk instead of studying for hours without eating.
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    Offer your spouse self-advocacy resources. Provide information about organizations that focus on the needs of autistic individuals, like Autism Self Advocacy Network and Asperger / Autism Network. To reduce everyday stress, find disability services and work accommodations. Also help your spouse find a support group or choose a therapist. All of your thorough and loving research will help your spouse handle the hustle and bustle of daily life.

    • If you’re raising children or planning to start a family, present literature on parenting while autistic.
    • You can be a resource for your spouse, too! Simply encouraging them to find ways to complete self-care tasks can be a great help.
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Method 2

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Learning About Autism

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1. 
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   Educate yourself about autism. If you know some of the signs of autism but would like to remain fully informed about new research, keep up with the criteria that experts provide. According to the American Psychological Association (APA):

   • Autism is a spectrum that affects each person differently. Each person will have a different mix of skills and needs.
   • Autistic individuals often struggle with verbal and non-verbal communication.
   • Routine and repetitive behaviors are typically very important to autistic people.
   • Awareness of others’ feelings usually don’t come naturally to autistic people.
   • Autism isn't always diagnosed during childhood; many people are diagnosed as autistic when they are teens or adults.
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   Unlearn common myths about autism. Rather than paying attention to how autism is portrayed in the media by non-autistic people—like the way a character talks in a TV show—prioritize information from medical professionals and autistic individuals. Recognize these common but misleading stereotypes about autism:

   • Myth: autistic people have no empathy. Some autistic people have “alexithymia,” a condition that makes it hard to recognize emotions. However, others with autism report that they feel emotions very deeply.
   • Myth: autistic people can't be parents. Many autistic people can navigate the challenges of raising a family if they're given the proper support.
   • Myth: autistic people will always be unhappy. Autistic people are perfectly capable of enjoying themselves and living a rich, full life.
   • Myth: autism is curable. Autism is a lifelong condition. Your spouse's autism will not "go away."
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   Seek out autistic-friendly communities. To find safe spaces and credible communities, look for people or organizations that use a respectful tone. For example, make sure that they use "person-first" language by using phrases like "autistic individuals" instead of "person with autism.” Steer clear of any groups that treat autism as an "epidemic" that needs to be "changed" or "cured."

   • Be aware that a puzzle piece, "Light it Up Blue," the color blue, and anything connected to "Autism Speaks" are considered hostile and able list, or discriminatory toward autistic people, because they all portray autism as a "crisis."
   • To fight against stigma and stand up for autistic people, use the color red for the "#RedInstead" campaign or a rainbow.
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   Check what language is preferred by the Autistic community. Keep up with the current standards since the terminology autistic people use can change over time. Engage directly with the Autistic community and ask about how to use the best and most respectful phrases. Also ask for their reasons for the words they use so you can be fully informed about how to discuss autism.

   • The difference between an "autistic person" and an "Autistic" person is that an autistic person has been diagnosed as autistic, while an Autistic person accepts their autism as part of their identity.
   • Avoid terms that treat autistic individuals like "victims." For example, do not say someone is "suffering from autism."
   • Steer clear of measuring the intelligence level of autistic people or categorizing them. For instance, do not group some autistic individuals as "high-functioning" and others as "low-functioning."
   • Do not use "cutesy" terms for a disability like "diffability" or "specially abled." Many autistic individuals want to discuss the concept of a disability in order to seek support and advocacy.
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   Learn about the everyday lives of autistic people. To more fully understand your spouse, do all you can to experience autistic culture. Immerse yourself in “lifestyle” content created by autistic people. For example, read blogs and books, then browse social media posts with the “#ActuallyAutistic” tag. Go to “Autism Acceptance” events and listen to speakers. When you give the autistic communities your full attention, you’ll have a chance to see how autistic people view the world.

   • Some famous autistic bloggers and writers include Amy Sequenzia, Emma Zurcher-Long, Lydia Brown, Cynthia Kim, and Ibby Grace.
   • The tag #AskAnAutistic is a good resource for those who want advice from Autistic people about autism.
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   Find out what organizations in your city help and support autistic people. If there are none available to you where you live, look online for an interactive support group. These include ASD Vacations LLC, Autisable.com, AutismAsperger.net and TheAutSpot. Donate or volunteer for these organizations in order to bring visibility to autism and to uplift autistic individuals.

   • Avoid Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks supports anti-autism movements and excludes all autistic people from working with them. Many autistic people describe Autism Speaks as a hate group disguised as an organization.
   • Instead of supporting groups that promote "Autism Awareness", support groups that participate in "Autism Acceptance", a movement that aims to work on raising acceptance of autism, rather than trying to stamp it out or look for a "cure".
   • The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and Autism Women's Network are run by Autistic people and support Autism Acceptance.
   • Fighting ableism—whether it's related to autism or any other disability—is a great step that both supports all people with disabilities.
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