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This article was medically reviewed by Hilya Tehrani, PsyD and by How.com.vn staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD. Dr. Hilya Tehrani is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over twenty years of experience. She specializes in working with children and adolescents. Dr. Tehrani also has expertise in supporting individuals with autism, ADHD, anxiety, behavioral challenges, and learning and processing differences. She holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles, an MA in Clinical Psychology from California State University, Northridge, and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University.
There are 25 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 12,575 times.
Coping with an autism diagnosis can be difficult for families, and it may take time for them to understand what it means. As a family friend or relative, there are many things you can do to support a family with an autistic child. Treat the child and the family with love and respect, and remain alert for things you can do to pitch in and help where needed. If you have questions about your role or feel you are overstepping your bounds, ask the parents for permission before you do something you think might be helpful.[1]
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Helping the Parents
Run errands and help out where needed. Particularly if you live in a relatively rural area, support services for the family may be limited or non-existent. However, the parents may be reluctant to ask you for help, because they don't want to be a burden or overwhelm you.[2]- Keep this in mind if you ask the parents what you can do to help, they may say you don't need to do anything or that they're doing just fine. They may be refusing your help out of a sense of politeness or pride.
- Sometimes if you want to help you need to be willing to just jump in and help. For example, if you go over to their house and see dishes in the sink, just start doing the dishes—don't wait to be asked.
- If the parents protest or insist that they don't need your help, tell them that it pleases you to be of assistance and it's something that you want to do. However, don't press the matter as this may seem patronising.
- Parents also may appreciate if you go along to doctor's appointments or other meetings and take notes for them so they can concentrate on what's being said and ask questions if necessary.
- Offer to do the legwork for parents by researching various organizations, therapies, or programs in which they express interest. Report back on whether you think the child would benefit.
Help the parents make time for a "date night." Parents seldom have the opportunity to take time just for themselves, to do the things they enjoy and reconnect as a couple. This can be even more true for parents with an autistic child, particularly if support services are limited.[3]- Mention to the parents that you would be happy to take care of their child while they go out and spend some time with each other.
- Include the autistic child in the plans, and make sure they understand that their parents aren't leaving them, and that just because their parents want to spend time alone doesn't mean the child is a problem or they are upset. Explain that they just want one-on-one time (just like how the child might want alone time or one-on-one time sometimes).
- The parents may not trust just anyone to babysit their autistic child. If you have sensitivity and understanding, they may feel comfortable leaving their autistic child with you. Spending time interacting with the child when a parent is present will enable everyone involved feel more comfortable.[4]
- Spending time alone will allow the parents to reconnect and recharge. It also gives you the opportunity to get to know the child a little better.
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Spend time with the parents. Take time to listen to the parents, and make yourself available as a sounding board so they can talk through their challenges and figure out what to do. Offer a compassionate ear to help them realize that it will be okay.[5]
Share quality information with the parents. There is a significant amount of inaccurate or even dehumanizing information about autism online. You can reduce the parents' stress by filtering out the disaster rhetoric and finding materials that are actually useful.[6][7] Keep in mind that it is only appropriate to share this information with the parents if they are receptive. You should not be pushy or come across as if you know more or better than they do.- Prioritize material from organizations in which autistic people have a clear, strong voice and are included in a significant portion of the leadership roles.[8] Groups that autistic people protest and consider harmful, such as Autism Speaks, are almost always a bad source.[9][10]
- Look for sources that focus on evidence-based therapies. Avoid experimental therapies, or therapies that autistics warn may cause PTSD (e.g. compliance therapy and Lovaas ABA).[11][12][13] Therapy does not need to be intense or extreme in order to ensure the child's happiness—in fact, overdoing therapy may lead to burnout or aggression.
Offer hope. It is important to be supportive by offering hope through positive communication and offering positive resources to the parents of an autistic child.[14]- Encourage them to check out hashtags such as #AskAnAutistic and #RedInstead to read from and interact with real autistic people. Many autistic people are happy to offer emotional support and advice on helping autistic children.
- Share articles and stories written by autistic people. Autistic writers such as Amy Sequenzia, Jim Sinclair, and Cynthia Kim can offer perspective about autism and help the parents envision what the child will be like as an adult.
- Lead them to a few autistic-run organizations, such as ASAN, the Autism Women's Network, and Parenting Autistic Children with Love and Acceptance. These organizations provide productive guidelines and support with sensitivity.
- Respond critically to negative rhetoric, while being supportive of parents’ fears. For example, you might say “I understand why you’d be concerned about the divorce rates within families of autistic children. I read that the high divorce rate was a myth,[15] and most likely, you'll be okay.” Or, "Actually, I've heard that plenty of autistic children are good helpers within the family."
- Suggest spiritual guidance, such as meditation and prayer, if the parents seem open to this type of suggestion.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Working with Siblings
Let siblings speak openly. The siblings of an autistic child may be jealous of the time their parents spend with the autistic child, or feel that they aren't important anymore. You can help support the family by serving as a sounding board for the siblings' frustrations.[16]- Siblings often feel guilty for negative feelings they may have toward their autistic sibling, particularly if they've been told by their parents or other authority figures that they should look out for their brother or sister who has special needs.
- Emphasize to the siblings that these feelings are natural, and that it's okay to have them. Work with them to find positive ways to deal with these thoughts and feelings.
- Encourage siblings to talk about their feelings if they have that comfort level with you, and validate them by listening and letting them know it is natural and okay to feel the way they do.
Encourage siblings to pursue their own interests. Hanging out with the siblings and engaging in fun activities with them makes them feel valued and important themselves. Support the family by volunteering to take the siblings on outings or to sporting events or practice.[17]- For example, if one of the autistic child's siblings enjoys baseball, you might find a community baseball league they can join. Offer to help the parents with sign-ups or to take the child to practice.
- Ask the siblings about their interests and express genuine enthusiasm for their activities.
- When visiting with the family, take care not to ignore the siblings in favor of the autistic child. Take time to greet each child individually and ask them about their life.
Babysit the autistic child. It's often important for parents to spend quality time with each of their children. If one child is autistic, it may be difficult for the parents to focus on the other siblings when the autistic child is around.[18][19]- This can breed resentment in the child's siblings, because they'll feel like no matter what happens, an event becomes all about the autistic child instead of about them.
- Resentment and negative feelings also can cause the siblings to feel guilty, because they love and care for their sibling and believe these negative thoughts are improper.
- You can support the family by taking care of the autistic child while the parents spend quality time out with the siblings doing something that is particular to them and their interests.
Help the siblings understand what they can do. Siblings typically feel protective, and want to help the autistic child succeed. Let them know how they can help their parents and their autistic brother or sister feel comfortable and loved.[20] Make sure to get the approval of the parents before making these suggestions to the siblings.- Encourage the siblings to build a closer relationship with their autistic sibling by helping them understand how to communicate and interact with the autistic child.
- Explain sensory sensitivities to them and help them identify ways to make an environment more comfortable and inviting so their autistic sibling will feel safe interacting with them.
- Emphasize to the siblings that even though their autistic sibling may require more time and effort, they all are loved equally and are just as important.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Helping an Autistic Child
Listen to the child. An autism diagnosis may be confusing or frightening to them, especially if the parents did not respond well to it. Make yourself available to listen to the child's concerns, and reassure them that they are not broken or defective, just different.[21]- Show genuine interest in the child's needs, and treat them as natural and reasonable.[22]
- Keep in mind that many autistic people—both children and adults—are taunted, or told that their special needs make them a burden. This leads them to believe that they are inferior, or even that they should not exist at all.
- By showing respect and flexibility, you demonstrate that they are fundamentally okay, and that not all non-autistic people will bully them.
- If they seem upset, ask "Is something wrong? Is there something I can do to make this less uncomfortable for you?"
Respect the child's boundaries and limitations. An autistic child has the right and ability to say "no," and may have legitimate reasons to refuse something. You won't know unless you ask. Meet them at their level and try to understand their concerns.[23][24][25]- The child may find something overwhelming or confusing, and need time to recharge. After any stressful experience, give them as much time as they need to recover.
- Don't push the child to do anything that they find painful or unpleasant. Autism causes developmental delays, so patience is the key.
- If the child is old enough, you can ask directly how you can accommodate their needs. Listen to their response and try to accommodate as best you can. This teaches the child self advocacy, which is a very important skill.
Treat the child as an individual. Remember the saying that if you've met one autistic child, you've met one autistic child. The autistic spectrum is broad, so you shouldn't assume that this particular child will have problems with something just because you've read that it's difficult for autistic people generally.[26]- Avoid making assumptions based on stereotypes. Many stereotypes about autistic people are misleading or downright incorrect.[27]
- The only thing you should assume is that the child is intelligent and capable. A little patience and understanding can go a long way in helping the child to succeed.
Teach the child self-care skills. Many basic chores, such as cleaning and hygiene, may be confusing or overwhelming to an autistic child. Autistic children often have delays in developing fine motor skills, and have poor executive function.[28] If you are in the position to help the family out with chores, you may have the opportunity to assist the child. Some things you can suggest to the child’s parents include:- Working together with the child, breaking a chore down into smaller, simple steps. Treat the whole thing like a game to get the child involved.
- Letting the child do smaller tasks. For example, if you're doing laundry, the child can sort the clothes for you as you fold them. Breaking down chores like this allows the child to become familiar with the steps involved, and makes the task as a whole seem less monumental.
- Doing these household chores with the autistic child. This may help to lighten the load for his or her parents.
Support the child's self esteem. Autistic children are at risk for developing low self-esteem and viewing themselves as burdensome, worthless, or lacking any redeeming qualities.[29]- Notice and reframe any negative self-talk. For example, if the child says "Mom would be happier if she didn't have to deal with me," you could say "Your mom loves you very much, and I can tell how proud she is that you're such a helpful person and hard worker. Both your brothers struggle sometimes too, but that doesn't make you or them worth any less. Your mom would cry and be really sad if she lost you."
- Offer plenty of praise. Autistic children are often reminded of all the things they can't do, so it helps to remind them of the things they do well.[30]
- Model good self esteem. For example, if the child sees you calling yourself fat, stupid, or useless, the child might do the same. Don't say anything about yourself that you wouldn't want the child to start saying about themselves.
Help make things more accessible for the child. The world can feel strange and overwhelming to an autistic child, particularly if they have significant sensory issues. Making things friendlier will mean a lot to the child, and make it easier on the parents.[31][32][33]- Teach the child to say "I need quiet time," and immediately honor that request.
- If the child spends time in your home, ask the parents what sensory stimuli upset the child, and keep those things out of your house. For example, the child may have a reaction to fluorescent lights, or to strong cooking smells.
- Encourage the parents to provide materials for stimming, such as exercise balls instead of chairs, fidget toys, beanbags, stress balls, or whatever the child likes.
- Encourage the child’s parents to allow the child to use whatever coping mechanisms they need, regardless of how strange or "abnormal" they may appear to others. Make your home a safe, judgement-free zone if the child spends time in your home.
- Teach the child that it's okay to be different – there's no need to fix what isn't broken to begin with. The child will be more comfortable if they feel they can be themselves around you.
- If they like to rock or flap their arms when they're pondering something, let them know that behavior is acceptable. Encourage the child’s parents to do this as well.
Take the child out to play. Physical exercise is important for all children. For autistic children, physical activity can reduce stress, improve coordination, and help emotional regulation. If the child is prone to fidgeting that interferes with their ability to concentrate, physical activity can help decrease this.[34][35]- Autistic children enjoy the same activities that other children do. You can take the child for a walk, go play in the park, play catch in the yard, or dance to music.
- If you have children as well, you may want to arrange a play date with your children and the autistic child. Explain autism to your children beforehand, and teach them to be patient and respectful of the child.
- Encourage the child’s parents to keep group gatherings small and low-key, and give the child plenty of opportunities to take a break if they need it.
Respond compassionately to meltdowns. A meltdown can be overwhelming or even frightening for an autistic child. Reduce stimuli and remove the child from any stressful situation.[36][37][38] Some other suggestions you might make to the child’s parents or caregivers include:- Teaching the child some basic self-calming skills, such as deep breathing or counting to ten.
- Keeping in mind that autistic children may need extra help to learn how to express anger or frustration in appropriate ways. Teaching them appropriate techniques can help them handle meltdowns better, as well as identify the signs that they are overstimulated and need to take a break.
- Showing compassion. It's typically better to enable a tantrum than to brush off a fear-driven meltdown. It's important that the child feels adults will help them when they're hurting.
Model good behavior. An autistic child will not understand "do as I say, not as I do." It's important for parents and caregiver to provide a positive role model that the child can emulate in social situations. If the child sees you listening patiently and treating others with respect, they will start to do the same.[39]- Autistic children may struggle especially with self-control, self-calming, and appropriate social interaction. One way for parents and caregivers to help this is to explain what they are doing out loud.
- For example, you might encourage parents and caregivers to say, "I'm feeling a little frustrated right now, so I'm going to remove myself from the situation. I'm going outside to take a few deep breaths. Then I'll come right back inside."
- Explaining behavior recognizes that many autistic children will not pick up on the meaning of certain gestures, or why you acted in a certain way. You have to tell them.
- Try to encourage the child’s parents or caregivers to help the child create rules to order their understanding of a social situation. For example, you might encourage parents or caregivers to say, "When I say hello, you must extend your hand and say 'Hi, how are you doing?' Then I will shake your hand and answer your question."
- Encourage parents and caregivers to read tips from autistic writers. There are many autistic bloggers on the internet. Through their blogs, they share tips for interacting with autistic people and helping autistic children succeed.
Encourage the child's special interests. Special interests can act as a coping mechanism during stress, and may develop into a successful career as an adult. Spend time talking with them about their passions, and if you give them birthday presents, try to pick ones related to their interests. This can improve their self-esteem, as well as their relationship with you.[40][41]- An autistic child's special interests are very important to them. You can use these special interests to teach the child communication and other social skills.
- Talking about a child's special interests also teaches them how to make friends and interact with other people.
- Expressing interest in the child's special interests is an important way to reach out and connect with them.
- For example, if the child has a special interest in trains, ask them what new information about trains they've learned that they'd like to share with you. Ask questions and stay engaged in what the child is saying.
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionWhat is the best way to support a child with autism?
Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAPDr. Ran D. Anbar is a pediatric medical counselor and is board certified in both pediatric pulmonology and general pediatrics, offering clinical hypnosis and counseling services at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California and Syracuse, New York. With over 30 years of medical training and practice, Dr. Anbar has also served as a professor of pediatrics and medicine and the Director of pediatric pulmonology at SUNY Upstate Medical University. Dr. Anbar holds a BS in Biology and Psychology from the University of California, San Diego and an MD from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. Dr. Anbar completed his pediatric residency and pediatric pulmonary fellowship training at the Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and is also a past President, fellow and approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical CounselorRemember, it's important to let the child handle some challenges on their own. That will help them learn how to navigate different situations, which can help them grow emotionally. - QuestionWhat do you say to a parent with an autistic child?Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAPDr. Ran D. Anbar is a pediatric medical counselor and is board certified in both pediatric pulmonology and general pediatrics, offering clinical hypnosis and counseling services at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California and Syracuse, New York. With over 30 years of medical training and practice, Dr. Anbar has also served as a professor of pediatrics and medicine and the Director of pediatric pulmonology at SUNY Upstate Medical University. Dr. Anbar holds a BS in Biology and Psychology from the University of California, San Diego and an MD from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. Dr. Anbar completed his pediatric residency and pediatric pulmonary fellowship training at the Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and is also a past President, fellow and approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical CounselorRemind the parents that both they and their child will be enriched by learning how to deal with this diagnosis. - QuestionHow can I help as the parent of a kid with autism?Ran D. Anbar, MD, FAAPDr. Ran D. Anbar is a pediatric medical counselor and is board certified in both pediatric pulmonology and general pediatrics, offering clinical hypnosis and counseling services at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California and Syracuse, New York. With over 30 years of medical training and practice, Dr. Anbar has also served as a professor of pediatrics and medicine and the Director of pediatric pulmonology at SUNY Upstate Medical University. Dr. Anbar holds a BS in Biology and Psychology from the University of California, San Diego and an MD from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine. Dr. Anbar completed his pediatric residency and pediatric pulmonary fellowship training at the Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and is also a past President, fellow and approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis.
Pediatric Pulmonologist & Medical CounselorEducate yourself about your child's diagnosis, and learn from professionals about what you can do to help your child. It can also be very helpful to find a support group for parents of children who have similar issues.
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Warnings
- Never try to perform therapy on a child without the consent of both the child and the parents. You may not have enough information to perform the therapy properly, and you may inadvertently contradict work the parents are doing.Thanks
- Don't just assume that the parents are upset about the diagnosis. They may be relieved to know what is going on with their child!Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/07/17/backstopping-supporting-the-autistic-person-in-your-life/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ Hilya Tehrani, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ https://thecaffeinatedautistic.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/they-were-wrong/
- ↑ Hilya Tehrani, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.
- ↑ http://autisticadvocacy.org/2014/01/2013-joint-letter-to-the-sponsors-of-autism-speaks/
- ↑ http://autismwomensnetwork.org/is-autism-speaks-a-hate-group/
- ↑ http://emmashopebook.com/2012/10/10/tackling-that-troublesome-issue-of-aba-and-ethics/
- ↑ https://childmind.org/article/controversy-around-applied-behavior-analysis/
- ↑ http://www.astraeasweb.net/politics/aba.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ http://healthland.time.com/2010/05/19/parents-of-autistic-children-not-more-likely-to-break-up/
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/autism_spectrum_disorder_siblings.html
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/autism_spectrum_disorder_siblings.html
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/autism_spectrum_disorder_siblings.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/autism_spectrum_disorder_siblings.html
- ↑ http://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/07/17/backstopping-supporting-the-autistic-person-in-your-life/
- ↑ Hilya Tehrani, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.
- ↑ http://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/07/17/backstopping-supporting-the-autistic-person-in-your-life/
- ↑ http://emmashopebook.com/2014/10/01/raging-screams-and-shame/ Emma's Hope Book: Raging Screams and Shame
- ↑ http://emmashopebook.com/2014/12/02/friendships/ Emma's Hope Book: Friendships
- ↑ http://emmashopebook.com/2014/12/02/friendships/ Emma's Hope Book: Friendships
- ↑ Hilya Tehrani, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.
- ↑ https://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/autism_spectrum_disorder_self_esteem_teenagers.html
- ↑ https://www.carautismroadmap.org/the-importance-of-self-esteem/
- ↑ http://emmashopebook.com/2015/01/20/sensory-assaults/
- ↑ http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2014/10/dr-jonine-biesman-avoiding-crises.html
- ↑ http://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/06/18/a-cognitive-defense-of-stimming-or-why-quiet-hands-makes-math-harder/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2014/10/dr-jonine-biesman-avoiding-crises.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/autism-in-real-life/201101/10-things-you-can-do-help-autism-family
- ↑ http://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/12/13/anatomy-of-a-meltdown/
- ↑ http://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/10/17/where-i-go-when-i-shutdown/
- ↑ https://iancommunity.org/cs/what_do_we_know/social_skills_interventions
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/autism_spectrum_disorder_learning_strengths.html
- ↑ http://www.parents.com/blogs/special-needs/2015/07/15/support/supporting-our-children-with-autisms-special-interests/
About this article
Hilya Tehrani, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was medically reviewed by Hilya Tehrani, PsyD and by How.com.vn staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD. Dr. Hilya Tehrani is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over twenty years of experience. She specializes in working with children and adolescents. Dr. Tehrani also has expertise in supporting individuals with autism, ADHD, anxiety, behavioral challenges, and learning and processing differences. She holds a BA in Psychology from The University of California, Los Angeles, an MA in Clinical Psychology from California State University, Northridge, and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University. This article has been viewed 12,575 times.
Co-authors: 22
Updated: February 4, 2022
Views: 12,575
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 12,575 times.
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