How to Stop a Mean Girl

"Mean Girls" isn’t merely the name of a cult Hollywood teen film. Sadly, this label fits some adolescent girls in schools around the globe. If you are being pushed around or picked on by a mean girl, or a girl you know is the target of girl bullying, you need to learn how to handle the situation appropriately.

The National Educational Association defines bullying as “systematically and chronically inflicting physical hurt and/or psychological distress on another” by physical, verbal or social means. It happens repeatedly and there is a clear imbalance of power between the bully and the victim, meaning the victim may be smaller, younger, or unable to cope socially.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceNational Education AssociationUnion of professional teachers devoted to promoting the success of the public education system by advocating on behalf of teachers and students.Go to source} Learn how to protect yourself from bullies by confiding in someone, speaking out, and seeking supportive friendships.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Calling Out Bullying and Relational Aggression

1
Confide in an adult or someone with authority. If you encounter bullying or teasing at school or in a community environment, the best solution is to step forward and tell an adult. A teacher, coach, school counselor, community leader, or parent can all help you handle mean girls.^{[2]XExpert SourceKatie Styzek
Professional School CounselorExpert Interview. 28 October 2020.}
- Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the bullying will get worse if you tell. Bullies threaten their victims like this to keep their negative behavior a secret. Exposing the bully is the only way you can stop the problem. If the first person you tell does not take action, keep telling until something changes.
- Pull the person aside and explain the situation. “Excuse me, Ms. Carson. Melanie keeps pushing me whenever we are in line for recess.” Stick to the facts and ask for help.
2
Be assertive by telling the mean girl to “stop!” You must be willing to show strength to fend off a mean girl who is teasing or calling you names. There’s no need to demonstrate your strength by getting physical or being verbally abusive with the bully. Instead, use your voice to speak up for yourself with confidence.^{[3]XExpert SourceKatie Styzek
Professional School CounselorExpert Interview. 28 October 2020.}
- Your response to teasing or bullying doesn’t have to be grand. All you have to say is “Stop it,” or, “Knock it off,” to send the message that you will not allow yourself to be mistreated.^{[4]XResearch source}
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Being assertive also crosses over to how you are holding your body and your facial expressions. Stand with your back straight, shoulders loose and your chin up. Make your facial expression serious to demonstrate that you are not joking around. Make direct eye contact and don't fidget — you can put your hands in your front of back pockets to appear confident and relaxed.^{[5]XResearch source}
4
Try to ignore subtle forms of mistreatment. Sometimes, mean girl behavior isn't so obvious. In such cases, it may be more difficult for you to call out the behavior and insist that the girl stop. Ignoring and trying not to demonstrate a negative reaction can help you in these instances.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For example, if a girl is spreading rumors about you, but it's hard to prove, you might tell an adult; however, there's a chance it may not get resolved because no one wants to admit any wrongdoing. In this scenario, you may try to avoid showing any sort of response to the rumors and avoid talking to the people you think are involved. Remain true to yourself and eventually the truth of who you are will be louder than the rumors, which will fade away.
- Or, if a group of "friends" is ignoring you, you might stop trying to be included and act as if you don't notice their slights. If they don't get a reaction, the mistreatment may stop in its tracks.
5
Fight back as a last resort. Of course, you want to avoid getting in trouble because you were forced to get physical with a bully. That’s why you should always try to get to an adult and assertively stand up for yourself when facing a mean girl. Using any sort of physical defense should be your last option.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Self-defense should be used during times when you are completely alone and unable to call for help and a bully has physically harmed you. If this happens, try a defense like kicking the person in the shins and then running away.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Protecting Yourself from Mean Girls

1
Report relational aggression. Schools often have rules against bullying, but there is a subtle, sneaky form of bullying called relational aggression that may go unnoticed. It’s important for you to be able to identify it so that you can know when it’s happening to you and protect yourself.
- Relational aggression is more under-the-radar, less clear form of bullying that may involve being excluded from parties or playdates, teasing or calling girls names, giving the “silent treatment,” spreading rumors, not saving a seat for a friend, or using social media or cell phones to say mean things about another girl.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Although it is more subtle, you can still talk to your parents, teachers, and other adults about helping you take action against a mean girl who is using relational aggression. Find out how your school handles bullies so that you can handle the situation appropriately.
2
Walk away from toxic friendships. In addition to standing up for yourself in the midst of bullying, you also need to make it clear that you find the behavior unacceptable coming from a friend. Have the courage to say goodbye to friends who make you feel bad about yourself or make fun of you in front of others.^{[9]XExpert SourceKatie Styzek
Professional School CounselorExpert Interview. 28 October 2020.}
- You can walk away from the friendship by saying something like, “The way you have been treating me hurts my feeling. That is not the way I expect to be treated by friends, so we’re not friends anymore.”^{[10]XResearch source}
3
Seek out friends who value and support you. Just as you should know how to identify and walk away from a toxic friendship with mean girl, you also need to know what to look for in a positive friendship. Think about the people in your life who make you feel good about yourself and who seem to value your presence. Write down a few characteristics that you think define these people and use these as your standard for making new friends in the future.
- For example, a good friend uses kind words, offers help when it is needed, shares, stands up for you, cares about your feelings and opinions, and is there for you. Believe that you are worthy of positive friendships and seek out people who can offer you these types of relationships.^{[11]XResearch source}
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Helping Girls Cope (for Adults)

1
Offer a safe place for discussing bullying. If your child feels comfortable talking to you about problems at school, you are more likely to be able to intervene in a bullying situation and stop it before it gets worse. Usually, when bullying goes unchecked, the victim loses confidence about their ability to handle it.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Make it normal in your household to discuss what’s happening at school. Ask your child about friends and classmates. Listen without distraction to catch cues that something may be amiss. Provide comfort and guidance and tough situations and make sure your child knows they can count on you if necessary.
Recognize that how you communicate with and treat other adults and adolescents is being observed by your children. If you are not modeling appropriate behaviors at home, such as respecting other’s boundaries, listening, sharing, and avoiding sarcasm or mean comments, it’s highly possible that your children will take what they learn to the school environment. Remember that if your children see you model inappropriate relationship behaviors, they assumes that this behavior is OK.^{[13]XResearch source}
3
Present opportunities for her to resolve conflict. Your child's ability to effectively cope with mean girls at school relies on how they have seen conflict handled at home.^{[14]XResearch source} Plus, their ability to have confidence and stand up for themselves comes with getting practice navigating difficult relational situations.
- Not only do you want to model appropriate ways of handling conflict, but you also want to present your children with chances to develop conflict resolution skills. By doing this, you are empowering your children to handle difficult situations that may arise at school.
- For example, you might find teachable moments when watching a movie together if a child in the movie is being bullied. You can quiz your children about appropriate ways to handle similar situations and see what they say. Based on their answers, you can use this opportunity to talk to them about bullying and how to protect themselves or stand up for a friend when bullying happens.
4
Teach empathy.^{[15]XResearch source} Many times in school settings mean girls gang up on another child who is an outsider in some way. Perhaps this child just moved to the area and is a new student at the school. Or, maybe this student is different in some way, such as race, culture, language, sexual orientation or disability.
- If you can help your child learn to develop empathy for all people—even those who are different—they may be less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. What’s more, having empathy may also help a child who is the victim of bullying not internalize the behavior as being about them. An empathetic child may come to understand that a girl who constantly picks on others may be being picked on at home, have a dire need for attention, or hasn’t had the opportunity to participate in healthy friendships.
- Teach empathy by first attending to basic emotional needs of your child. If those basic needs are met, then your child is more likely to show compassion and help others in need. Another way to teach empathy is to discuss bullying situations with your child and consider how the victim must feel. Saying things like “That must have been very humiliating for her” allows your child to identify how someone else may react to a situation emotionally.
- Finally, you can teach empathy by giving your child opportunities to work alongside and help those who are less fortunate. It may be helpful to participate in a volunteer project in which your child becomes more aware of the circumstances of other people.
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