How to Stop Trying to Control Others

Life can be stressful, particularly when you feel that others are behaving in ways that frustrate you. You might feel that the effort you put in is not being reciprocated or that you know best so others should heed your advice. However, in order to be happy, you must begin to relinquish your desire to control others and focus instead on controlling yourself and your own emotions. You can let go of this control by developing emotional independence, regulating yourself, and being more considerate of other’s needs and desires.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Developing Emotional Control

1
Learn to self soothe. Sometimes, you might find yourself trying to control others by relying heavily on them to calm you down when you are upset. You might demand that they say or do something and feel that you can calm down only if that action occurs. However, you must not depend on others to provide you with peace; you must find that for yourself. Learn and develop self soothing techniques to better learn to calm yourself.^{[1]XResearch source}
- You might do something like stepping away from the situation, journaling, listening to music or taking a hot bath.
- Consider developing regular self-calming rituals to help prevent frequent upsets.
2
Manage your emotions. In addition to learning to calm down, you should also learn how to manage and regulate your emotions. For example, though you might feel very angry or disappointed in your spouse for their poor eating habits, this does not give you cause to lash out, yell, curse, or try to manipulate them into being healthier. Allow them to make their own choices. When your emotions begin to feel out of control, take a moment to re-center yourself so you can respond more logically. Ask for a time out from the situation and consider why you are feeling the way you’re feeling.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Don’t try to control anyone with your emotions or guilt someone into doing something for you.
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3
Calm your anxieties. Your anxiety may be the root of why you try to control others. You might feel jittery, nervous, or extremely worried for instance that your coworker will not complete their portion of a project on time. You should work to regulate and monitor this anxiety and work on what you can control and do own your own.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Exercise has been proven to ease anxiety.
- Talking on the phone to someone you trust is helpful as well.
- Breathe deeply when you are having an anxious moment and then release it all slowly.
- Sometimes, people’s behaviors are harmful to you and your anxiety arises from that harm rather than a need to control. Stay away from people who make you tense or hurt you.
4
Modify the situation. Though you may feel the need to control another person when they are going against your wishes, you must recognize that you cannot and should not do so. However, you can modify and control the situation or environment that you are in so that you can feel more comfortable without stripping another person of their autonomy or free will. If you feel overwhelmed or are on the verge of lashing out, remove yourself from the situation.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceRecovery.orgResource run by the American Addiction Centers organization providing people with educational resources about substance abuseGo to source}
- For instance, if your mom won’t go with you to a movie, don’t try to force her. Reach out to friends or other family instead or reschedule with your mom.
- Step outside for a few moments or take a walk and do some deep breathing.
- Take a shower or a bath.
- Do what you can personally to make things better.
5
Distract yourself. When you are beginning to feel the need to control someone, another way to counteract that is by distracting yourself. Don’t allow yourself to become obsessive over another person’s actions; take a moment to get the thought out of your head by replacing it with something that requires your attention.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceRecovery.orgResource run by the American Addiction Centers organization providing people with educational resources about substance abuseGo to source}
- You might watch a few funny clips on YouTube or a funny TV show.
- Do a puzzle or play a relaxing game on your phone.
You may feel that your need to control runs deep or stems from some childhood issues or trauma that you faced. You may have developed your need to control as a coping mechanism. However, you must realize that your controlling behavior can be harmful to you and others. Therapy can be a great way to work through these issues constructively and get at the cause of them.^{[6]XResearch source}
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Relinquishing Control

1
Recognize that you cannot force someone to do something. Beyond controlling your own emotions, you must begin the process of letting go of your control of others. Remember that just as you do not want to be controlled or manipulated, others do not want that either. If you have to force someone to do something, then realize that it is not out of genuine love or respect, but likely arising out of fear or frustration.
- Ask people to do things for you rather than requiring them to.
- You might say, for instance, “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t leave your dirty clothes on the floor anymore. I like to keep the floor clean.”
2
Focus on controlling yourself. Though you cannot control others, know that you can always control yourself. Beyond your emotions, you can also control your actions. For instance, if you want someone to make you dinner and try to force them to do so, remember that instead you can buy or make your own dinner.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Rely on those you trust but do not negate or override your own independence out of laziness or a desire to control.
- When in doubt, try spending some quality time by yourself until you can recenter.
3
Set boundaries but do not make ultimatums. Your control issues might center around a particular person in your life who is overstepping some personal boundaries that you have. Communicate these boundaries to others, but do not threaten them with ultimatums. Determine what behaviors you can handle and what you cannot.^{[8]XResearch source}
- For instance, if you are dating someone who sometimes insults you, tell them that that is unacceptable to you, but don’t try to force them to be kind. Leave any relationship or friendship that is more hurtful than uplifting.
- You might say something like “Sometimes, I feel insulted by you, especially when you call me names. I would appreciate it if you didn’t do that anymore.”
4
Reflect on your childhood. Often times, your control issues might have developed out of issues from your childhood. Perhaps your mother expected perfection from you or your father yelled or belittled you when you made a mistake. Take some time to reflect on your childhood and the things that happened to you to make you who you are today. When you recognize the root, you can develop solutions.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Talk to your siblings if you feel comfortable.
- Talk to long-standing friends who knew you in your childhood.
5
Be honest with yourself and take responsibility. Whenever you begin to feel the need to control someone, take a moment to be honest with yourself about whether or not you are being controlling or being reasonable. However, if you have to ask the question, then you are likely being controlling. Take responsibility in those moments and apologize to the person and give them the space to make their own choices.
- For instance, perhaps you are upset that your friend did not call you back when they said they would and now you are calling them repeatedly. Forcing them to speak to you when they might be busy is controlling. Allow them to call you back when they are ready to talk.
Sometimes your need for control might manifest into you begging someone to do or say something. However, in these moments, others might lose respect for you. You should never resort to pleading to get a desired result; merely ask instead. If that does not work, then you should drop the issue until a later time when both you and the other party has had more time to think.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Focusing on the Other Person

1
Listen to others if they say you’re being controlling. Sometimes your controlling behavior might be so pervasive that you hardly notice it. It may have become a normal element of your day to day behavior. You should, however, listen to others when they say that they feel controlled by you, especially if more than one person is saying it.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Ask them how they feel they are being controlled and cease your controlling behavior immediately.
- Work on your language. For example, ask "Would you consider cooking dinner for me once a week? It would mean a lot to me."
2
Recognize their good qualities. The person you are attempting to control likely has several good qualities that you like about them. Rather than trying to control them to be someone that they’re not, reflect on their positive attributes. This will allow you to view them more graciously and lovingly and will perhaps snap you out of your controlling mood.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Write down a list of why you like them. This could include things like being intellectual, kind, or funny.
- Compare the positive list with the things that bother you. How does it stack up?
3
Put yourself in their shoes. In the current situation that you’re in where you are seeking control, you are probably thinking very selfishly. You have likely not thought much about how the other person feels in the situation. Show them compassion and empathy by seeking to understand their feelings and respecting their decisions.^{[12]XResearch source}
- For instance, maybe you want a coworker to go to lunch with you but they refuse. Rather than forcing them, accept their ‘no’. They might be having some financial issues or wish to be alone.
4
Practice acceptance. In any relationship, whether romantic, friendly or professional, you should work to move past controlling or tolerating others and into accepting them as they are. Do not try to change anyone, argue with them about their beliefs, or force your thoughts onto them. They have developed their character and opinions over the course of years and through dealing with a multitude of experiences, experiences that you may be unaware of.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Perhaps you meet a coworker who is anti-abortion, but you are pro-choice. That same coworker may have had an abortion that has rendered her unable to have children, so don’t judge her for beliefs she formed from experiences that you have not had.
- Say to them “Though I don’t necessarily agree with you, I can understand your perspective and I respect your ideas.”
5
Don’t compare them. You might know people who you get along with very well but run into others with whom you are not so lucky. Your need to control might only be triggered among those who you feel oppose you in some way. However, don’t compare these people to your more easygoing friends. People are all different and you should respect these differences.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Remember that everyone is different and prone to making differing choices.
At the end of the day, if you don’t release some of your control over people and situations, you will be more often miserable than happy. Go with the flow more. Be spontaneous. Say yes to last minute plans. Let go of the need to always be right. Agree to disagree. Life is too short to try to make anyone do anything. Focus on your own happiness and be free!^{[15]XResearch source}
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