How to Stop Enabling an Alcoholic

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methods

1Reducing Enabling Behaviors

2Eliminating Enabling Attitudes

3Supporting Your Well-Being

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Alcoholics must face the consequences of their addiction in order to eventually gain the courage to get help. If you are shielding the person from their problem by enabling, you actually prevent them from being able to own up to things and get better. Stop enabling your alcoholic loved one by stopping the behaviors that unintentionally excuse their drinking and letting the natural effects of their addiction play out. Supporting an alcoholic can be draining, so be sure to practice self-care and get the support you need.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Reducing Enabling Behaviors

1. 
   1
   Don't consume alcohol with the person. One of the ways you may be enabling your alcoholic loved one is by drinking with them. You might rationalize that if you are there you can stop them from going overboard, but what you are doing is actually condoning the behavior.

   • If you are able to consume alcohol responsibly, do so away from the alcoholic. If they are around, suggest healthier alternatives for dealing with stress, such as exercise or a comedy film.
2. 
   2
   Don't give the person money. Giving an alcoholic money reinforces their addiction. Even if the cash isn't intended to buy alcohol, you are still enabling their alcoholism by financing them. If they had to face the financial consequences of their drinking, they'd be forced to get help.

   • The next time the alcoholic asks you for money, say something like, "Heather, whenever I give you money, you use it for alcohol. I won't do it anymore."
   • Don't apologize or come up with a handy excuse—just refuse.
3. 
   3
   Stop lying and making excuses for the person. You may have fallen into the habit of lying and making excuses for the alcoholic. Maybe you call in to their workplace and say they’re sick. Or, maybe you lie and say you helped them finish the bottle of vodka when they really did it alone.

   • Don't use your words to get the alcoholic out of trouble or keep the addiction hidden. Doing so simply gives them permission to continue. It is important for them to face the consequences of their actions and deal with them on their own.
4. 
   4
   Let some of the natural consequences take place. All in all, your enabling prevents the alcoholic from facing the consequences of their addiction. By letting these consequences play out, you offer your loved one the best chance of recovering.

   • The idea of letting your loved one “hit rock bottom” may be frightening, but many experts in the addiction community find that when a person doesn't experience a rock bottom, they aren't motivated to change.
   • You can still assure their relative safety by taking measures to prevent them from hurting themselves or someone else. For example, you might take their keys if they are attempting to drink and drive. They'll be forced to catch a ride or hail a cab, but they won't be able to hurt anyone.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Eliminating Enabling Attitudes

1. 
   1
   See the alcoholism for what it is. If your loved one is abusing alcohol, you might use denial or rationalization. This might involve you telling yourself that their behavior isn't “that bad” or “at least” they aren't using illicit drugs. Denial and rationalization won't help them recover.

   • Instead of turning your head or ignoring the drinking, look at it head-on. See the problems that are cropping up in your loved one's life due to their drinking.
   • Don’t just try to focus on other things because the person’s drinking will be like an elephant in the room.
2. 
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   Educate yourself about alcoholism. You'll feel more equipped to stop enabling if you get informed about the issue. Reading up on the signs and symptoms will likely force you to face the truth: your loved one is an alcoholic. It will also help you learn about the negative effects of enabling an alcoholic.

   • One good resource for learning about alcoholism is the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence.
3. 
   3
   Believe that the person has the capacity to change. Deep down enabling shows that you have little faith in your loved one's resilience or ability to change. But, they can change--because millions of other alcoholics have. Hear the stories of others who have recovered from alcoholism by attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or visiting the website: https://www.aa.org/.

   • Your lack of faith may be apparent in comments like, “oh he's always been a heavy drinker” or “he got that from his dad.”
   • No matter what the circumstances are, your loved one has to change. Enabling because you think they are stuck in these destructive habits only serves to keep them stuck.
4. 
   4
   Resist the idea that you are responsible. Another common reason you might enable an alcoholic is because you are blaming yourself for their circumstances. You think it's your fault, so you do whatever you can to “save” them out of guilt.

   • You must realize that you did not cause your loved one's alcoholism. While they may not have chosen to become an alcoholic, they did make the choice to drink in excess and they will have to make the choice to become sober. The responsibility lies with them.
   • Keep learning about addiction. The more knowledge you develop, the more you will be able to be objective about the situation.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Supporting Your Well-Being

1. 
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   Verbalize your boundaries. The alcoholic will likely be confused by your change in behavior, so clearly spell out what's happening. Explain your boundaries and let them know that you'll be happy to resume helping once they commit to treatment.

   • Your boundaries might sound like, “I love you and I cannot keep enabling your alcoholism. I will not give you money or rides to the bar, or lie to your wife about your whereabouts anymore. When you're ready to admit you have a problem and get help, I'll be here to support you.”
2. 
   2
   Anticipate a negative reaction, but don't give in. After you set boundaries with the alcoholic, expect unpredictability. They might stop talking to you, guilt-trip you, or even threaten you. Stand firm in your boundaries and don't concede.

   • If you need help staying accountable, reach out a family member or friend. You might also talk to someone in an Al-Anon meeting for support in sticking with your boundaries.
3. 
   3
   Address caregiver burnout with self-care. The consequences of enabling affect the addict and you. While you have been trying to spare them from facing consequences, you have also likely been neglecting your own job, health, and relationships. You may have trouble sleeping and suffer from chronic stress. Implement a self-care plan to deal with caregiver burnout.

   • Include activities that nourish or relax you, such as cooking a healthy dinner, listening to soft music, coloring, or doing yoga.
4. 
   4
   Join a support group. Alcoholics Anonymous offers family support groups for loved ones who want to understand how to better support alcoholics. In these group meetings, you will learn how to stick to your guns and stop enabling your loved one. You will also get support from others who are in similar situations.

   • Locate groups in your area by searching the Alcoholics Anonymous website.
5. 
   5
   See a counselor for codependency. Many enablers have codependent traits that cause them to pour themselves into one-sided relationships to feel worthy. If you think you have an issue with codependency, you should see a counselor so that you can learn to develop healthier relationships in the future.
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