How to Stop Arguing with Your Child

Does your child have the tendency to whine, question, or rebel against everything you say? If so, you might find yourself getting drawn into arguments and giving your power away. The key thing is that you realize it's happening—now you just have to stop it. The hands-down best way to prevent power struggles is by setting clear and consistent rules. After that, keep a few tricks handy that help you minimize arguing and reinforce appropriate behaviors.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Setting and Maintaining Rules

1
Create a tentative list of household rules. Think about the sort of behaviors you expect from your child and write them all down. If you have a partner or co-parent, get their advice on the rules, too.^{[1]XResearch source}
- In addition, brainstorm some possible consequences that you may enforce if rules are not followed.
- If your children don't know how to read yet, try posting pictures of the rules around the house. For example, post a picture of washing hands near the sink.
2
Negotiate rules and consequences with your child. Children often argue because they feel like they never have a voice in what happens in their lives. To counteract your child’s need to argue, go over the rules with them and have them help you think up consequences.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Working together to establish rules and consequences creates a collaborative environment. Plus, your child is less likely to argue when they’ve had a voice.
- You should communicate to your child that you will still make the final decision on the rules. You are, however, getting their input to be sure the rules are mostly fair and realistic.
- Older children are often capable of inventing appropriate rules and consequences themselves. On the other hand, very young children should not have much of a say about household rules.
Once you've finalized the rules—remember, you will ultimately have the final word—put them somewhere where they’ll be reviewed regularly. This reinforces the rules and serves as a gentle reminder about appropriate conduct.^{[3]XResearch source}
4
Follow through on consequences every time a rule is broken. Frequently, children develop the habit of arguing because you haven't been consistent about enforcing consequences. If you withhold a privilege this time, but didn't do it last time, your child sees this as an opportunity to try to change your mind.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Enforce the established consequence consistently, no matter the context or occasion.
- If your child misbehaves on an outing, they should receive the same (or nearly the same) consequence they would if they were home.
5
Say “no" without over-explaining yourself. If you give lengthy explanations for every rule or consequence you set, you open the door for arguing. Your children need to know that your word is final.^{[5]XResearch source}
- If a rule has already been established and discussed and your child tries to convince you to change it or bend the rules, firmly say “no," remind them of the rule, and end the discussion.
- If your child tries to argue, recognize any backtalk as a rule violation and set a consequence.
- "New" rules and/or situations may allow for more explanations or negotiation between you and your child.
6
Leave the situation if you become angry. Reacting with intense emotion lets your child know that they've pushed your buttons, so refrain from acting on your anger in their presence. Yelling, slamming objects, or threatening your child will frighten them, and make it more likely that they will learn inappropriate behavior. When you get mad, go to another room and take a few deep breaths before returning.^{[6]XResearch source}
- You might say, "I am getting angry, so I need a moment" before taking some time to yourself.
- You might also go outside for some fresh air or listen to some calming music when you become upset.
- If you can't get away, simply ask for silence while you practice deep breathing or count silently to yourself.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Helping Your Child Feel Heard

1
Encourage your child to vent their frustrations in regular family meetings. Many parents get bombarded by arguing or defiance because they don't provide an outlet for their child to share concerns. Hold weekly or biweekly family meetings in which everyone can bring up any issues.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Use these meetings to better understand your child's reasons for arguing and tweak your rules/consequences as needed.
2
Listen to your child without interrupting. When your child talks, give them your full attention. Hear them out completely before saying anything in response.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Being an active listener shows your child that you respect what they have to say. Plus, when they feel heard, they’ll be less likely to argue.
3
Reflect what they say back to them. Be sure you heard right by restating their message in a new way. This may seem redundant, but it confirms that you were listening and minimizes misunderstandings.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- Reflecting might sound like, “It sounds like you're saying you think you should have a later curfew. Is that correct?”
4
Validate their feelings. Validation is one of the many ways to show empathy towards your child and build a deeper connection with them. It helps them feel heard and understood, even if you don't exactly agree with their stance.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- You might say, “Aww, that does sound tough” or “I'm sorry you feel that way.”
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Reinforcing Good Behavior

1
Ignore whining or argumentative behaviors completely. Extinguish your child's arguing habit by failing to give any attention to it. Instead of arguing back, carry on with whatever you were doing as though your child had not spoken.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Eventually they will get the message that arguing is inappropriate and will not get them the attention they desire.
- Do this only after you have told them that arguing is not okay. Otherwise, they may not understand why they are being ignored.^{[12]XResearch source}
2
Use a point chart or jar to reinforce non-arguing behaviors. Introduce a point system into your household that positively reinforces cooperation. Explain to your child what the points mean and come up with an exciting reward they can earn when they've accumulated a certain amount. ^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceFamilyDoctor.orgFamily-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family DoctorsGo to source}
- For example, you might say, “Whenever you follow instructions without arguing or talking back, you will get a point. When you get 25 points, you can get a toy from the store.”
3
Praise your child when they are obedient. Another way to reinforce appropriate, non-arguing behaviors is through verbal praise. Lay on the glowing remarks whenever your child behaves as they should.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Praise might sound like, “Austin, I really like the way you started clearing your play area without talking back to Mommy. Good job!”
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Moving Past Conflict with Your Child

Conversation to Resolve a Conflict with Your Child

Ways to Set Rules for Your Child

Techniques to Make Your Child Feel Heard

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Question
How do I stop my child from being argumentative?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
You can't stop them, but you can control your responses if they become argumentative. Don't feed into it. Pick your battles and ignore whining or complaining. Set the rules with your child's input. Don't over-explain yourself; let the written and posted rules speak for themselves.
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Question
How do I stop arguing with my teenage daughter?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
Take a step back. Discontinue the conversation if you are angry and not in control of yourself. You can state: "This is not up for negotiation." But do take her input in situations where she makes sense.
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Question
How do parents arguing affect a child?
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).
Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer
Depending on the age of the child, they can often feel responsible for parents arguing. If it is frequent and escalates, it can distract the child from studying, visiting with friends, etc. They also might worry about separation or divorce.
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