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Breakups are hard. Losing the companionship of your ex is part what makes breaking up so difficult, especially if you were friends before you started dating. This article will teach you how to determine whether or not you are ready to be friends with your ex, and how to go about establishing a platonic friendship with him or her.
Steps
Be sure you are really interested in a platonic relationship. If you want to start a friendship with an ex in the hopes that you will get back together, then you are definitely not ready to be friends. Take some time to seriously consider whether or not you are really ready to be platonic.- If you are unsure of your feelings, consider this question: How would you feel if you learned that your ex is seeing someone new? If imagining your ex with someone new makes your face turn red with rage, then you are probably not ready to be friends.
Determine whether you have spent enough time apart. If the breakup is still fresh, then you should spend a few weeks, or even a few months, without talking to or seeing your ex on a regular basis. This phase is key in learning to separate the relationship from the friendship, and gives both you and your ex enough time to grieve the breakup.[1]Advertisement
Don't rush. While you may be eager to see your ex again, be aware that you might still be emotionally dependent on this person. Wait until your feelings for your ex have subsided.- Focus on your hobbies, close friends, and school/work. Though it may be difficult, you will eventually learn to live happily without having constant contact with your ex.[2]
Be patient. If your ex is not ready to be friends, he or she is probably still grieving the loss of the relationship. Don't get upset if this is the case. Give your ex the time he or she needs to cope with the residual feelings from the breakup.[4]
Make non-romantic plans. Don't meet late at night, or at a place that you used to frequent as a couple. Instead of going out to a candlelit dinner, for instance, meet for a cup of coffee.[5]
Meet in public. This will decrease the likelihood of fighting or getting intimate with your ex.
Keep the conversation light. Avoid bringing up aspects of your old relationship, or talking about the person you are currently dating, if you are seeing someone. Instead, talk about what you have been up to lately, mutual friends, plans for the future, and/or current events in the news or pop culture.
Be friendly, but not flirtatious. While you want to be nice to your ex, try not to be overly flirtatious or suggestive.- Dress appropriately. Everybody wants to look good in front of their ex, but dressing too provocatively will send the wrong message.
Don't have sex with your ex. This will undoubtedly lead to the question of getting back together, and will sabotage your chance of establishing a platonic friendship.
Don't fall back into old patterns. While maintaining a friendship with anyone, ex or not, requires occasional contact via phone or computer, don't start texting or calling your ex on a daily basis.[6] This will inevitably create a false hope of getting back together.
Know when you back off. If either you or your ex is getting too attached and old feelings start to arise, then don't force the friendship. This is probably a sign that the breakup is too fresh, and that you need to spend more time apart.
Expert Q&A
- QuestionIs it hard to stay friends with your ex?
Lisa ShieldLisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.
Dating CoachYou have to set really clear boundaries with your relationship to avoid falling back into old patterns.
Tips
- Try to avoid seeking information about your ex via friends or the internet. This will only cause you to obsess and maybe even have your feelings hurt.Thanks
- Consider whether or not you still think about your ex constantly. If you do, then you are probably not over the breakup and should not try to establish a friendship yet.Thanks
- Wait until you have started dating somebody new before seeing your ex. This will give you more confidence, and help you get over your ex so that you can start to view him or her in a platonic way.Thanks
Warnings
- Be prepared to learn that your ex is dating somebody else. While the general rule of thumb is to not talk about a new relationship, your ex might not know that. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he or she has moved on.Thanks
References
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/02/tf.rules.friends.with.ex/index.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22779/6-dos-donts-of-reaching-out-to-an-ex.html
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22779/6-dos-donts-of-reaching-out-to-an-ex.html
- ↑ https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/59x7bk/how-to-stay-friends-with-your-ex
- ↑ Lisa Shield. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
About This Article
Staying friends with your ex can be complicated, but if you’re both on the same page and you take things slowly, you can make it work. Before you try to establish a friendship with your ex, make sure you only want to be friends, otherwise things might get painful and awkward. If you broke up recently, take some time apart so you can heal. When you start to spend time with your ex again, stick to hanging out in non-romantic public places, like a café or park, so it doesn’t get awkward. You should also avoid talking about your relationship or your current partners, so you don’t bring up painful memories. Instead, talk about neutral things like current events, mutual friends, and pop culture. For more tips, including how to avoid flirting with your ex, read on!
Reader Success Stories
"Actually, I was never in a relationship with the boy I want to be friends with. However, he did have a crush on me, and since I didn't feel the same way, he was really hurt. I figured this is similar to how some people feel after ending a relationship, so since I still want to be his friend, I thought I should get some advice on how to do so."..." more
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