How to Stand up to Someone

Are you forced to interact with a rude classmate or co-worker? Or just a person that makes you feel powerless? If so, then you might be tired of feeling this way and want to stand up to the person. Standing up to someone can help you to assert your boundaries and feel more in control of your situation. By boosting you confidence before the confrontation, using assertive communication, and using the situation as a learning experience, standing up to someone can be an effective way to improve your situation.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Finding Your Confidence

1
Take a deep breath. Standing up to someone can be stressful and it works better if you are feeling calm. Take a few deep breaths to calm your nerves and to help prepare yourself for the confrontation. Don't immediately react to the negative person without taking a deep breath.
- Deep breathing can help to slower your heart rate, and relax your muscles. You may also feel less stressed about the situation.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Institute of StressNon-profit organization providing resources on stress-management in education, research, clinical care, and the workplace.Go to source}
- Breathe in deeply through your nose as you count up to five, and then breathe out through your mouth as you count down from five.
2
Focus on what you can do. Rude people or bullies may try to make you feel guilty, anxious, fearful, or embarrassed. Bullying also has a lot to do with control.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceStopBullying.govWebsite run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullyingGo to source} The bully wants to affect you emotionally, such as by making you angry, sad, or fearful. By staying in control of your emotions, you can avoid giving the bully the satisfaction of affecting you emotionally.
- Try focusing on the bigger picture of who is in control rather than on the things the bully says or does to you. Remind yourself that you are in control of what you say and do, not the bully.
- Identify a healthy way to express your feelings. You could do this by writing in a journal, calling a friend, or talking out loud to yourself.
- See if there are ways to redirect your frustrations with that person. For example, you might go for a walk, prepare a meal, or listen to some music.
3
Plan what you are going to say.^{[3]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Being unprepared to stand up to someone may increase your nervousness. That is why it is better to be prepared. Before you confront someone about their behavior, think carefully about your words. Name-calling and belittling them will only make them defensive. Think about ways to be serious and specific.
- If there is a specific thing that someone is saying or doing to you, be specific in how and why you want them to stop. Explain your reasons, and the consequences if they don't.
- Consider saying something like, "Please don't take my folders without asking. This is my personal space, and if you need something, please ask me directly. Hopefully this won't happen again. But if it continues, I'll need to talk with the teacher/manager."
- Don't talk about using an act of violence as a consequence for the person's behavior.
4
Try power posing. Power posing is the practice of getting into assertive, dominant physical positions to change your mindset. You can do a power pose for one minute and experience a large boost in self-confidence. Try doing a few power poses to build up your confidence before you confront this person. You can even stay in a power pose while you are standing up to someone.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Try the Wonder Woman or Superman pose. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart and place your hands on your hips. Then, lift up your chin and press out your chest slightly, just like a superhero. Stay in this pose for a minute to prepare yourself or maintain this position while you are standing up to the person.
- Do the Obama pose. If you are sitting down, then a great way to look and feel more powerful (and nonchalant) is to lean back in your chair, put your feet up on a table, and place your hands behind your head.
- Try the performer. Put your hands up above your head, as if you have just crossed a finish line in a race and you are celebrating your victory. This is a good pose to boost confidence, but it might look a little strange if you do it while you confront someone.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Being Assertive

1
Keep your emotions in check. Dealing with difficult people can make anyone angry, but it's not a healthy way to start an effective conversation. If you're feeling unable to be cool and calm, or feel like your emotions are too much at the moment, take a step back and breath.
- When beginning to speak with someone about a conflict, keep your voice even and calm.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- Consider saying, "I know that things are getting heated, but I'm just trying to figure out how we can handle this."
- Avoid name-calling, belittling, and threatening. Threatening someone will likely escalate the situation, and could be unsafe. If you feel that violence may occur if standing up to someone, talk with a person who is in charge before proceeding.
2
Use your body language. Make eye contact when talking with the person. Keep a neutral or positive face if possible. Stand tall and upright.
- Practicing in the mirror may help you. Non-verbal cues can be just as meaningful as words in how to stand up to someone. ^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- Avoid body language that threatens or demeans the person. You want to be his or her equal, not another bully.
3
Be clear about what is bothering you.^{[7]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} If you are making vague statements about a person's behavior, they are less likely to change. You need to speak your mind in a thoughtful and clear way, so that it is easy for the person to understand why you are upset or frustrated. If you can get them to "walk in your shoes," they will be better able to follow what you ask.
- Keep the conversation brief and concise. You don't need to use this as an opportunity to blame them for all their faults. Focus only on the issue at hand.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Consider saying, "I am uneasy about the way you just talked to my friend and I. Please think about what you say before you say it. And we'll respect you in the same way."
4
Express your feelings constructively. Use statements that focus less on the person, and more on how their actions make you feel.^{[9]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
PsychotherapistExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} By focusing on how a person's behavior is making you feel, it sounds less accusatory. You want to avoid making them defensive and angry.
- Consider using 'I' statements such "I disagree with some of the facts that you presented" instead of "You're wrong" or "I am upset with how you don't complete your part of the assignment on time" instead of "You're lazy."
Being assertive one time will probably not be enough to stop the bully. The bully may need several reminders to stop bullying. That is why it is important to repeat these assertive behaviors and make them part of your regular behavior. By practicing these assertive behaviors on a regular basis, they will become habitual and this will make it easier for you to stand up for yourself.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Gaining Perspective

1
Understand that rude people may not change overnight. While it's good to stand up to someone, it's unlikely that they will change their behavior completely. Be realistic that change may not happen overnight, or at all. Change will most likely be small at first.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Making the issue known has the greatest potential for change, but it will take time for actual change to occur.
- See yourself as helping the negative person become more aware of the issue.
2
Gain perspective through your friends and family. Your friends and family may have a different take on how to handle a negative person. Be aware of what might work, and not work, in this particular situation. Consider asking them for your support, or being present, when you need to stand up to someone. [^{[11]XResearch source}
- What works for one person may not always work for another. But it's good to get a wide variety of perspectives rather than keeping it to yourself.
3
Get advice from an authority figure or mentor. If you are a teenager or younger, sometimes it is necessary to involve adults such as teachers, parents, or other adults. If you are an adult encountering a negative person in the workplace, you may want to discuss the issue with a supervisor.
- A person in authority can help you to handle the situation more formally, with specific consequences. This is largely done after an issue cannot be resolved informally.
- While it is generally appropriate to resolve an issue informally with someone, don't let a negative person continue to frustrate you for weeks or months. Be willing to speak out formally if needed.
Even if the person does not heed your request to back off, it is important for you to acknowledge your success in being assertive and standing up for yourself. Try looking yourself in the mirror and congratulating yourself. Remember to be proud of yourself every time you stand up for yourself.
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Expert Q&A

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How can I stand up for myself without being rude?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Answer
Try to focus on using "I" statements rather than accusing or criticizing the other person with "you" statements.
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Tips

Be strong! While confronting someone can be tough, it's worth it. You may be fearful of retribution, but the mental anguish of feeling powerless can have more negative long-term effects.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
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If you still feel like you can't do stand up to someone, imagine that you are talking to your pillow, or something else neutral.
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Warnings

The negative person might try to ignore you, but don't give up. Continue to talk with him or her unless the tension has escalated rapidly, and you feel unsafe. If so, you may need a third-party such as a parent, teacher, mentor, or co-worker to assist with this conversation.
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