How to Reveal Mental Illness to a Prospective Partner

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1Planning to Reveal a Mental Illness

2Revealing a Mental Illness to a Romantic Interest

3Dealing with Your Mental Illness Revelation

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Despite significant advances in awareness, recognition, and treatment, having a mental illness can still carry a stigma that most physical ailments do not. Meanwhile, anyone entering a new romantic relationship has to determine when to begin sharing deeper personal information, since there are perils to sharing both “too much, too soon” and “too little, too late.” If you have a mental illness and are in a new relationship, you should disclose your condition at some point and on your own terms. Revealing mental illness to a prospective partner is often not easy, but it is important for your own well-being and the viability of the relationship.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Planning to Reveal a Mental Illness

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   Consider how you perceive your mental illness. It will be even more difficult to have an honest discussion about your mental illness with a romantic interest if you have not fully accepted its reality yourself. Any sense of doubt or shame that you still feel or stigma that you continue to place on your illness may be further amplified and “confirmed” by similar responses from your prospective partner.

   • Before being truly honest with others, you need to be honest with yourself. Work to understand and accept your illness, with the help of mental health professionals and supportive loved ones. At the same time, never doubt that you deserve to have a healthy, fulfilling romantic relationship.
   • Especially if you have been recently diagnosed, you might possibly find it easier to start the dating process by seeking out others who have similar experiences with mental illness. There are niche online dating sites focused on such individuals. This may not be the best path for you, though, so consult your mental health professional first.
   • Remember that struggling with painful emotions, worries, fears, and doubts is a part of being human. You're not alone.
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   Determine the ideal time frame for the reveal. While you may occasionally hear specific advice such as “the first date is always too early” or “don’t wait much past the fourth date,” the fact is that there is no universal “right” or “wrong” amount of time into a relationship at which to disclose your mental illness. You can and should seek out advice from trusted sources, but only you can decide when your relationship is at the “just right” stage for this conversation.

   • Generally speaking, you don’t need to disclose a mental illness right off the bat on the first date. Wait until the level of commitment and/or intimacy builds to the point that it feels wrong to wait longer, then plan the discussion.
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   Practice your reveal. You’ll want the conversation to feel natural and comfortable, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t practice the content and style of your delivery beforehand. You will be hesitant and nervous when it comes time to reveal a mental illness, and adequate preparation beforehand can help you to navigate and push through those barriers to a healthy conversation.

   • Consider practicing what you will say with your therapist or psychiatrist, who can give you guidance on how to approach the subject. Practicing with a trusted friend or loved one, though, may be more comfortable for you. Give both a try.
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   Choose the right setting. This is a conversation that is best made in a calm, relaxed, private setting, not in a corner of a noisy bar or during an aggravating car ride together. It doesn’t have to feel like a business meeting, but also shouldn’t be too romantic either — you should probably both be fully clothed, for instance. A quiet evening on the couch may be just about right.

   • Also, have the conversation during a time when you are managing your illness well, or consider delaying it for a bit if necessary.
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   Prepare information and answers. Revealing your mental illness should feel like a true back-and-forth conversation, not a lecture. That said, you should have some informational materials (books, websites, etc.) about your particular condition at the ready. Offer them when appropriate as per the flow of the discussion, but don’t foist them upon the other person.

   • Have answers to some likely questions ready as well. Think about the questions you had when you were first diagnosed with this condition.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Revealing a Mental Illness to a Romantic Interest

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   Don’t assume the worst. If you go into the talk assuming that this revelation will cause the other person to immediately reject you and walk away, you are sabotaging your chances of having a healthy, positive conversation before it even begins. And, if that is the response you would get from the other person, would you want to be in a relationship anyway?

   • Studies indicate that the odds are in your favor. About two-thirds of partners are at least initially supportive when informed about the other’s mental illness, while only about five percent break off the relationship on the spot. It is true that 60% of people with mental illnesses say that the revelation has caused an eventual breakup, but 60% also say that revealing this truth strengthens both the relationship and personal well-being.
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   Be casual and confident. As it does with so many aspects of life, preparation pays off when revealing information of such a personal nature to a prospective partner. The more you plan, practice, and anticipate beforehand, the more relaxed and confident you will be when it comes time to reveal your mental illness.

   • Don’t start things off by saying “I have something important to tell you” while you display an expressionless face, or with a “Come over. We need to talk” call or message. Although you’ve planned ahead, let it flow out from the context of a positive interaction — “While we’re in the sharing mood, I have something I’d like to talk about with you.”
   • The key is to not be so casual that you seem to think this reveal isn’t a big deal (which it is), but not so serious that it seems like the end of the world (which it isn’t). Your level of comfort and confidence will impact how the news is received by the other person.
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   Create an opportunity for reciprocal self-disclosure. Self-disclosure — offering personal information and insights as a sign of trust and comfort — is essential to any relationship. Research indicates that the benefits are maximized for both parties in a relationship when disclosures are made in a reciprocal manner (that is, I tell you a secret, you tell me one). Incorporating your mental illness revelation into a larger discussion, then, may make things both easier and more beneficial in the long run.

   • If it helps you, you can “get the ball rolling” by disclosing less vital information — why you hate cold weather, why you are so competitive with your sister, etc. — and let the back-and-forth carry you to your mental illness reveal. This also gives you the opportunity to “abort the mission” and save the big reveal for another time if the situation doesn’t seem to be playing out right (the other person is distracted, you aren’t expressing yourself very well, etc.).
   • Don’t demand or force reciprocal disclosures. Just give the other person the opportunity. Consider the viability of the relationship if the other person never shares deeper truths, though.
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   Be honest and forthcoming. Once you begin actually describing your diagnosis and the nature of your mental illness, provide a thorough, truthful portrait. Don’t minimize the fact that you face many challenges due to your condition, and that some days are better than others for you. You don’t have to lay bare every breakdown or relapse in excruciating detail, but don’t elide the fact that they have occurred and will do so again.

   • Of course, you can also be forthright about the steps you take to effectively manage your condition — your medications, your therapy sessions, etc.
   • Present your condition as you would a non-terminal, chronic but manageable physical ailment. Establish the fact that the illness is a part of you, but it doesn’t define you.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dealing with Your Mental Illness Revelation

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   Give your partner time and space to respond. Few people will immediately reject you and walk away when informed that you have a mental illness, and, if so, good riddance. Many people will offer immediate support and a strong desire to continue the relationship, but that enthusiasm may wane before long. Don’t discount your prospective partner’s immediate reaction to your revelation, but also allow some time for the fuller picture to be revealed.

   • Offer the other person time to think as you are making your revelation: “I know this is a lot to take in, and I don’t expect you to make any decisions about our relationship right this second. Take some time to think about what we’ve discussed, and take a look at these materials on my condition if you’d like.”
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   Accept rejection if it occurs. Even if the odds are low that your prospective partner will break things off with you on the spot, it is possible that your mental illness revelation will trigger the end of the relationship. If this happens, don’t regret that you told the other person; regret that this person was too scared, selfish, or uninformed to see that your mental illness does not wholly define you and that a meaningful relationship was possible.

   • You should actually be relieved that you found out your prospective partner couldn’t handle your truth before things got more serious. That doesn’t mean being rejected won’t hurt, though. Seek out the solace of your “mental health team” of friends, loved ones, and professionals.
   • The end of a budding relationship doesn’t prove that your mental illness makes you undateable. Instead, it shows just how much you are like everyone else trying to find a lasting, healthy, romantic partnership.
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   Accept support if it is offered. It is difficult to handle being dumped because you have a mental illness. It can also be difficult to accept the help and support of your new romantic partner. You don’t have to feel like you are becoming a burden or asking too much of a new significant other. Accept this display of generosity graciously and take it as a sign of growth in your relationship.

   • The other person will probably make a general offer like “I want to be there for you. Let me know what I can do to help.” If so, don’t be afraid to specify what you do need and want. If it was a false offer, you’ll find out soon enough.
   • If the other person starts saying things like “I know this doctor you have to see” or “You need to try this herbal supplement I’ve heard about,” you don’t need to feel obligated to accept this type of help. You need to remain in control of how you address your mental illness.
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   Keep talking or keep trying. If the other person is genuinely supportive of your status and eager to continue the relationship, you should be eager to make your revelation an ongoing discussion. Your mental illness will continue to be with you, and you will go through ups and downs, so keep your new partner informed with regular chats about your condition and your feelings.

   • If things don’t turn out so well and the relationship ends, get back out there and give it another try with someone else (and someone better). It will never be easy to reveal your mental illness to a new romantic interest, but you will become more comfortable doing so over time.
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