How to Resolve Wedding Disputes with Your Fiance or Fiancee

Unfortunately, conflict is common when planning a wedding. Disputes over family, budget, religion, and aesthetics may rise up between you and your partner. Cope with common disputes effectively. Reach compromises about various aspects of the wedding. When talking over major differences, do so calmly and effectively. Listen to your partner and try to empathize. In some cases, a minor dispute may reflect a deeper issue. If there's anything major to talk over, identify and deal with it before your big day.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking Through Major Conflicts

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Pause to gain perspective. If certain disputes require serious discussion, a sit-down talk may be necessary. Before talking over major disagreements with your partner, pause to gain perspective. Try to understand where they're coming from going into the conversation.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Try to imagine how you would view the conflict as a third party. Imagine 2 of your friends are having the same disagreement. How would you feel as an outsider?
- For example, maybe you always dreamed of getting married in your hometown. Your partner moved a lot and does not really have as clear a sense of home. You feel, therefore, your hometown is a more sentimental choice for you and you should therefore have your way.
- What would you say to a friend having this disagreement? You may say something like, "Maybe it makes your partner a little sad that he didn't have a clear home growing up. He may not want to think about bad memories of moving on his wedding day."
2
Communicate your needs in an assertive fashion. Your wedding is the beginning of your marriage so it's important to learn good communication skills now. If an issue is important to you, do not be passive about it. You do not have to be aggressive, but you should be able to clearly and assertively bring up an issue that's bothering you.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Use "I"-statements that focus on your feelings instead of blaming or accusing your partner. For example, do not say, "You won't let me have the wedding in my hometown and that upsets me." Instead, say, "I feel sad that I won't get married in my hometown like I always dreamed."
- When asserting yourself, express what you want but also let your partner know you're willing to compromise. For example, "I understand you have your reasons for not wanting to get married in Ohio, but maybe we could reach some kind of middle ground."
3
Listen to your partner. There are always 2 sides in a conflict. After you've stated your case, allow your partner to talk. At first, listen with the goal of empathizing and understanding your partner's perspective. Make sure your partner feels heard and understood before you offer a solution.^{[3]XResearch source}
- It can help to repeat what your partner says to make sure you understand. You can also ask questions for clarification when necessary.
- For example, "So, you don't want to get married in my hometown because you're worried you'll feel like an outsider there? Is that what you're saying?"
Even if your intentions are good, you can sometimes accidentally give negative signals when listening. Be aware of your body language so you look attentive and caring while talking over differences. Maintain eye contact and sit still so you look like you're paying attention. Fidgeting or glancing around the room can make you look impatient.^{[4]XResearch source}
5
Find a solution together. Once you've both expressed yourself, brainstorm together to think of a solution. See this as a collaborative effort. Try to find a solution with your partner instead of suggesting a solution on your own.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Start off by saying something like, "Okay, so we both have valid reasons for wanting a particular location. Do you think there's some way we could compromise?"
- Talk it out together, remembering to be empathetic to your partner's needs and wants—this may alter your perspective. Figure out if there's a way to change certain wedding details so you can both feel your needs are being met.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Coping with Common Wedding Conflicts

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Make financial decisions that benefit you both. Often, couples fight over finances during wedding planning. One of you may want to spend more on your outfit, decorations, or another aspect of the wedding. Sit down and figure out a reasonable budget together and try to figure out how to spend money in a way that's mutually beneficial.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Be reasonable about finances. Wedding spending should be more or less equitable. If your partner is not spending a fortune on their outfit for the big day, you should not overspend on this aspect of your wedding.
- Opt to spend your budget primarily on things that benefit you both. You can splurge a little on the reception, which all your friends and family members can enjoy. You can also spend on something like your honeymoon, which is for both of you.
2
Be respectful of one another's religions. Religion often plays a big role in regards to how a wedding unfolds. You and your spouse may have different religious traditions and expectations regarding a wedding. If you make a genuine effort to understand one another's cultures, religious differences may be able to be accommodated.^{[7]XResearch source} However, it is important to incorporate aspects of both of your religions into your wedding ceremony. For example, if your partner is Jewish and you are Catholic, then you could have a rabbi and a priest officiate the wedding.
- Talk openly about your personal religious beliefs and traditions. Make it clear which traditions are important for your wedding and which ones you do not adhere to as strictly.
- Make sure you respect your fiancé or fiancée’s religion as well. If there are religious traditions that are very important to them, allow them to follow these rules on your wedding day.
- Take this as an opportunity to learn more about your spouse. See it as less of a source of conflict and more as a chance to grow closer.
3
Compromise on aesthetics. No 2 people have exactly the same taste. You and your future spouse may disagree on things like flower arrangements, color schemes, and other aspects of your wedding. It's important that you're willing to compromise here. Remember, taste is subjective and this is just as much your partner's wedding day as yours.^{[8]XResearch source}
- It can be helpful for you to each write down how much certain aspects of the wedding mean to you on a scale of 1 to 10. Maybe flower arrangements for the ceremony are a 10 for you, but centerpieces for the reception are a 2.
- You may find that certain details mean a lot to you, but do not matter to your partner. If flowers are very important to you, your partner may let you choose flowers. If you don't care what the centerpieces look like, allow your partner to choose them.
- If both of you ranked something as a high priority, compromise here. For example, maybe you both have strong opinions on wedding colors. In this case, both of you may have to compromise and settle for your second choice. Instead of going with a color scheme you hate, pick colors you both like.
4
Find a location you both like. Where you get married can be a very sensitive issue. You both may want to get married in your hometown, for example. You may have to work out a reasonable compromise on location, especially if 1 location is very inconvenient for friends and family members.^{[9]XResearch source}
- You can agree to a destination wedding, choosing a location that's a center point between your families. You can also have the wedding in one place and the reception in another.
5
Let go of some issues. For weddings, it's sometimes best to pick your battles. Each time a conflict arises, ask yourself, "What am I really upset about?" Some details may mark underlying tensions, which should be talked out. Others are fairly minor.^{[10]XResearch source}
- For example, maybe you hate the idea of your partner wearing a particular set of cufflinks. While they love them, you find them tacky. Is this really about anything other than the cufflinks? If not, it may be better to simply let this go. It's your spouse's wedding too, and they're entitled to make certain choices.
- Other issues may mark deeper sources of conflict. For example, maybe your partner is against getting married in your hometown and you don't understand why. While you would be willing to compromise on this, you do want an explanation. It may be good to talk this out.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Identifying Deeper Issues

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Figure out the key issues of wedding planning. If you can't let something go, it may be indicative of a deeper conflict. Try to identify what that is when consider the role you want in wedding planning. Ask yourself what you're really upset about and how to best address this.^{[11]XResearch source}
- For example, maybe your partner wants an even number of bridesmaids or groomsmen for each person. However, you have a lot more close friends and do not want to leave anyone out.
- Think about any underlying issues that may be at play. For example, maybe your partner is slightly more introverted than you and you sometimes feel your social life is hampered by this. The bridesmaids/groomsmen issue may be related to this and is something to have a conversation about before the wedding.
2
Let your partner know if you want a bigger role in wedding planning. A lot of times, small issues blow up because one or both of you does not feel valued. Maybe you don't mind that much that your partner chose the wedding colors, but you feel they made the decision too hastily and without consulting you. It may be a good idea to calmly let them know you would like a bigger part in decision making in the future.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Be specific. There may be some areas that are not important you, and where you don't mind letting your partner take the reins. However, if certain areas are of high importance, make this clear to avoid conflict.
3
Be on the lookout for hidden conflicts involving family. A lot of times, squabbles over the family attending the wedding indicate hidden conflicts. Maybe you feel a bigger sense of obligation to your family than your partner. Maybe you feel your family provides more financially than your partner's family, and sometimes feel taken advantage of. Always examine your feelings regarding conflicts with your partner's family. They may reveal something that could be a source of dispute during your marriage.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Compromise on what roles your family members will play in the wedding. For example, maybe your partner wants his family in the wedding party, but you just want your family in the audience. Would you be okay with your family playing less of a role in the wedding, or should the 2 of you change plans to accommodate everyone?
- Think about why family issues are becoming heated. This can indicate a deeper problem you should address. For example, you don't want your partner's brother as groomsmen because his behavior is often very difficult. This could be an issue down the road at holidays and other events. Talk this over with your partner.
4
Accept people from your partner's past will attend the wedding. Weddings often bring people from the past back into your lives. If your spouse invites an ex or a friend you never liked, this may bother you. However, work on letting these things go. Remember, you should focus on the present.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Pause and ask yourself how often you'll see certain wedding guests. If your partner invites an ex who rubs you the wrong way, will you really see that much of them after the wedding? It may be best to let these kinds of conflicts go.
Weddings can often bring out details about you and your partner’s family backgrounds. This may lead to new conflicts. Be sure to communicate effectively with your partner, share relevant family history, and give yourself plenty of planning time to resolve these issues before your wedding.
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