How to React as a Parent when Your Child Comes Out of the Closet

Parental support makes a big difference in the wellbeing of an LGBTQ+ person. Handling a big conversation like coming out can feel overwhelming for one or both people, especially if you're new to the subject. Here's how to show your support and love to help your kid know you're here for them.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Ready for a Future Conversation

1
Work on understanding LGBTQ+ issues if you suspect your child is getting ready to come out. While you can't be certain until your kid tells you, you may have noticed clues. If you listen to this feeling and prepare yourself mentally to be open and supportive, it will help accept you when your child will come out of the closet.
- Don't push them before they're ready. While some kids feel secure about who they are, others might feel shy or embarrassed.
- Remember that not everyone feels the need for a big "coming out" conversation. If you already suspect that your child is gay and are on good, open terms with them, you might just ask them casually, and leave it at that. You don't have to wait for a big revealing talk, depending on the dynamics of your relationship.
2
Try showing casual acceptance of LGBTQ+ people to help them know it's safe to talk to you. Some kids feel nervous because they don't know how their parents will react. If they see you responding well to other LGBTQ+ people, it helps them know you're likely to respond well to them. Try doing one or two of these:
- Watch an LGBTQ+ movie with your kid. Make a positive comment like "He has such a great relationship with his husband."
- Say something nice about a friend or family member who is out as LGBTQ+. (This person could even become a resource for your kid.)
- Comment positively on some pride merch you see.
- Mention an LGBTQ+ celebrity. For example, you could say "Did you know she transitioned? I saw a photo the other day. She looks so happy now."
- Enjoy an LGBTQ+ book or movie and leave it lying around in plain sight.
Tip: You don't need to go overboard with this. If your kid is still shy, then subtle is better because they won't feel pressured. Keep it mild and positive.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Handling the Conversation Well

1
Focus on listening to what they have to say. Be as open and supportive with them, and encourage an ongoing dialogue. You may not be able to talk through everything they want to discuss in just one sitting, and that's okay.
- Praise your child for talking openly of their feelings to you. It's very important to talk, especially when it's such a heavy theme.
- Give your child all the space they need to talk about their feelings and their insecurities.
- Don't start immediately with giving your own vision and opinion. Give your child the space to tell you what they are experiencing.
2
Thank them for telling you. Coming out is an expression of trust. It shows that they want you to be a part of their life, including this part. Tell them you appreciate them trusting you enough to tell them this important part of their lives.
3
Avoid focusing on your personal worries. This conversation isn't about your political beliefs or faith. They're being vulnerable and they need support right now. If you have concerns, you will both deal with them and learn to adjust over time, but don't pile all that negativity on now. Your child is being open and honest with you, so it's only right to support them through it, without making them regret it.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Don't warn your child about problems like bullying and discrimination. They already know about this. It also may bring down the mood and send mixed messages about whether you support them.
- Don't make a problem out of having these feelings. Tell your child this is absolutely normal. What's more, many (especially) teenagers question their identity before growing certain of their actual identity. Simply tell your child you support them.
Did You Know? You don't get to choose whether you have an LGBTQ+ kid. But you can choose whether they feel supported by you. Parental support can help protect their mental health and self-esteem because even when the world is cruel, they can come back to a loving home.
4
Be honest if you don't fully understand yet. If you don't know much about LGBTQ+ issues, you don't have to pretend to be a superhero parent right away. Instead, let them know that you're going to learn. This shows them that you're ready to do the work to understand because you love them. Here are some examples:
- "I don't know much about what this means, but I'm going to learn."
- "I might slip up with your pronouns, but I'll work on it. Correct me anytime, okay?"
- "This is very new to me. Do you have any favorite websites or books you'd like me to read?"
- "I don't get it, but I want to, because you're important to me. Could you tell me about what this means and how I can be helpful?"
- "I'm confused about some of this, but I'm going to work on that because I love you."
5
Affirm your love and support. Your kid needs to hear that you love them just as much as ever and that this isn't a problem. They may worry they've upset or overwhelmed you. So, don't leave any doubt in their mind. Here are some good examples of things to say:
- "I have always loved you, and this doesn't change a thing."
- "I love every single side of you, including this one."
- "I know I used to say you'd always be my sweet little girl. But I guess it turns out you were my sweet little boy all along."
- "If you get a girlfriend, she will be welcome in this house."
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Supporting Your LGBTQ+ Kid

1
Read more about LGBTQ+ issues if you don't understand. It's okay to be learning. There are plenty of online resources to help you understand and support your kid. And if you're struggling with personal hangups, there are resources to move past those too.
- How.com.vn has more articles for family members of LGBTQ+ people linked at the bottom of this article.
- Read resources for parents, like PFLAG.
- Avoid fearmongering anti-LGBTQ+ groups. Trying to change your kid will only push them away and hurt them.
2
Meet them at their level of enthusiasm. Some kids want to shout it from the rooftops. Others prefer to treat it like it's not a big deal. Follow their lead on it. Be as subtle or excited as they are.
- It doesn't hurt to pick out a small piece of pride merch for them to show support.
- Being quiet about their identity doesn't necessarily mean that your kid is ashamed or needs help. Some people just don't see it as a big deal. If you aren't sure where your kid is at, you can always ask them.
3
Do not stereotype your kid. Being LGBTQ doesn't tell you anything about a person except who they truly are or who they love. Avoid stereotypes that simply don't hold true across large populations like those who identify as LGBTQ.
- Chances are, you know your child well; this conversation doesn't change what you already know about their preferences, interests, hobbies, and likes. Gender or orientation is just a small part of a person, and while coming out can feel like a big deal, it doesn't have to change how you feel about your child.
4
Be positive and show your love. Coming out can be a big deal to the person revealing their identity; it can be emotional and nerve-wracking. Try to make the experience as easy as possible for them, regardless of your feelings about the revelation. Chances are, you don't want your child to be upset or emotional, so keep things positive, and show your unconditional love for them. If you have concerns, let them know you're willing to learn more and grow in your understanding of their identity.
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Community Q&A

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Question
I’m closeted gender fluid and I’m scared to come out to my parents. What should I do?
Jesse Pacat
Community Answer
To test the water, try bringing up issues with them like transgender teen homelessness or mention an LGBTQ+ character. Try something like, “I saw story on the news about same-sex marriage. What are your thoughts on it?” When you're ready, choose a calm, relaxed time and place to come out to your parents. Pick a time when you and your parents aren’t stressed, busy, or distracted. Tell your parents that you love them and want to be honest, and do your best to stay positive when you tell them "I'm genderfluid" in simple and matter-of-fact terms. Let them know you understand if they feel shocked or upset, and that you're happy with who you are.
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Question
What if they come out as fictosexual (attraction to fictional characters)?
Lemao Kuresa
Community Answer
Try to understand. Do not assume that it is a phase. Maybe talk about who they are attracted to but don't try to make them change their sexuality. Instead try to support them even if they might not get in a relationship just try to stay calm and give your child some space if needed.
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Tips

Try to be calm.
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Don't reject anything without knowing anything about it.
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Be open minded.
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