How to Pursue a Girl

There is a girl! You can't stop thinking about her, but you don't know how to go about pursuing her. There is no absolute "formula" or "process," and no two girls are the same. In general, you'll need to get to know her, build up a mutual attraction, and make a move. Read on for tips!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting to Know Her

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1
Introduce yourself. Make this girl aware of your presence. Try to make a good first impression, but don't think too hard about it. Be confident, upbeat, and genuine. To start: try asking her a question, or making a situational joke. Tell her your name, and she'll probably tell you hers.
- If you have a class together, find an excuse to talk to her about the class. Ask her about the homework, or crack a joke about the teacher.
- Don't worry too much about saying exactly the right thing. The more natural and collected you feel, the better of an impression you will make.
2
Talk to her. It will probably be much easier to pursue a girl if you're on regular speaking terms with her. Strike up a conversation whenever you get the chance, and try to make a good impression each time. Do not fear the "friend zone!" Make friends with the girl, but be sure to keep up a sense of flirtation and mystery.
- Don't let nerves get the better of you. Remember, talking to a pretty girl should be fun, not intimidating or scary!^{[1]XExpert SourceJT Tran
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
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3
Show your interest. Ask her questions about herself, and listen carefully to the answers. Don't let her do all of the talking, however! Many people love to talk about themselves, but you might come off as overbearing if you pin her down with a barrage of intense questioning. Make sure to keep up a careful balance of asking, listening, and talking.
- What does she do for fun? What music, books, or movies does she love? Where did she come from? What is her favorite subject?
- Be genuinely interested in what she has to say. You're trying to make a real connection with a human being, here – not just trying to "get the girl." Make her feel worthy of attention.
Listen to her, and she may open up to you. There is a balance to be struck here: if she confides in you too intimately and platonically, it might be hard for her to make the mental jump to seeing you as a friend. That said, she'll probably be more comfortable taking you as a romantic partner if she knows that she can trust you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Flirting

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1
Catch her eye. Throughout the day, steal glances at her when you get the chance. Don't be creepy about it – just make a point of looking in her direction. When she meets your gaze, smile slightly and look away quickly. This is a classic (and often effective) way of showing someone that you're interested.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Studies have shown that basic flirting can be more important than physical attractiveness when it comes to getting someone's attention. People who signal their availability and confidence through smiling and eye contact tend to be the most effective at attracting mates.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Eye contact can actually make someone more likely to find you attractive. Don't mistake this for a "trick" that will make your crush fall for you – but be aware of the effect, and try to use it to your advantage.^{[4]XResearch source}
Don't be afraid to smile and laugh a lot when you're talking to her. This shows her that you're interested in what she has to say, that you're enjoying her company, and that the two of you have a similar sense of humor. Be open and genuine.
3
Touch her. Once you've gotten to know her pretty well, look for ways to establish a physical connection. Offer a hug when you say hello and goodbye; touch her shoulder to get her attention or to emphasize a point; take her hand, briefly, to lead her somewhere; instead of sitting across from her, sit next to her with your thighs and shoulders touching. Find excuses to "accidentally" graze her arm or leg – even this can help you get her attention.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Be aware that she may not be receptive to physical flirting. Start with something subtle, like brushing against your hand, and pay attention to how she reacts. Stop what you're doing if she seems uncomfortable or doesn't respond well. She may not be interested in you, or she may not like being touched.^{[6]XExpert SourceJT Tran
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- Touching is a great way to indicate that you're interested. If she responds well—and especially if she touches you back—there's a good chance that she's at least a bit interested.^{[7]XResearch source}
Say something sweet and simple so that she feels your attention on her. Say, "I love your shoes!" or "Did you get a haircut? It looks really cute." Try complimenting her on a talent or an accomplishment: "Did you draw that? I'm impressed," or "Great job in the 100-meter dash today!" Make sure she knows that you appreciate her.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making a Move

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1
Make your feelings clear. When you are pursuing a girl, all of the talking and flirting is building up to one moment: the moment when you "make a move." This might take various forms, depending on the situation. Perhaps you want to ask her on a date, or to accompany you to a dance; perhaps you want to hook up with her at a party; perhaps you want to kiss her; or perhaps you just want her to know that you like her. No matter the case, the dynamic of pursuit means that you'll probably need to be the one to start this conversation.
- In general, women still expect men to be the one who initiates a date or a relationship, although some women are more comfortable taking the lead.^{[8]XExpert SourceJT Tran
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
2
Ask her out. If you're serious about building a romantic relationship with this girl, consider asking her out on a "date." This can be as elaborate as a fancy dinner reservation or as simple as a walk to the park. The idea here is to spend meaningful one-on-one time together – to move your interaction pattern from "friends-with-mutual-attraction" to "dating-and-acting-on-attraction."
- Be sure to make it clear that you're asking her to go on a date with you, and you're not just asking her to hang out as friends.^{[9]XExpert SourceJT Tran
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 5 May 2020.}
- You may find that the simple act of asking her on a date changes the dynamic of your friendship. You are essentially shifting the agreed-upon balance from mostly-platonic to mostly-romantic. This is not bad, necessarily – but you should be aware of what's happening.
3
Kiss her! This is a classic "move" that will show your interest and effectively set the stage for a more romantic relationship. Find the right moment: when you say goodnight at the end of an amazing date, or when the mood feels especially romantic. Be smooth and natural, and take it slow.
- Notice when she wants to kiss you. If she is looking at you expectantly, watching your face, smiling a lot, and bringing her face close to yours – it might mean that she wants you to kiss her!
- Wait for a moment that feels "cinematic." If it feels like this is the scene in a movie when the main character kisses the girl – then it is probably time for you to kiss the girl!
- If she doesn't respond to the kiss, then you may have misread the moment. Don't be embarrassed. At the very least, going for a kiss makes your intentions clear, and it gives her the chance to accept or reject your advances.

Attract Girls and Win Their Hearts with this Expert Series

Attracting girls and turning them on doesn't have to be hard. Learn how with these expert articles, hand-picked from our dating coaches and relationship experts.

1

Show a Girl You Like Her

2

Be the Guy Every Girl Wants

3

Create Sexual Tension

Know a Girl's Feelings

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Question
How can I ask a girl out if I'm too nervous?
JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.
JT Tran
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
Instead of being nervous, take some time to reframe your thoughts—this isn't something you have to do, but something you get to do. Going out with beautiful girls is fun!
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Prove loyalty.
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Never give up. Don't ever tell yourself you can't get her. Any guy can get any girl.
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