How to Pursue Romance if You Have Depression

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parts

1Going on Dates and Enjoying the Search

2Mitigating the Negative Effects That Depression Can Have on Relationships

3Being Your Best Self

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Tips and Warnings

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Dating and maintaining a relationship can be hard, particularly if you suffer from depression. While your symptoms may make you feel as if you will never find love, don't give up hope! If you stay motivated and work to combat your symptoms, you can find the right person for you and have a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Going on Dates and Enjoying the Search

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   Make new friends. If you're intimidated by the idea of asking strangers out or going out on dates with people you don't know well, you can take a more casual approach to dating. Instead of actively looking for someone to date, focus on making lots of friends. This will give you the opportunity to interact with people in a less stressful way, and it may lead to a romantic relationship.

   • If you need help making new friends, try joining a club or social group. You can also ask your current friends to introduce you to people they know.
   • If a friend wants to set you up with someone, try to be open to the idea.
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   Try online dating. Meeting people in person can be extremely stressful, especially if you have depression. Luckily, online dating makes the process of meeting new people much easier and less intimidating. It also allows you to communicate online before meeting face-to-face, so you can become more comfortable with the person before your first date.

   • There are some dating sites specifically for individuals with mental illnesses. If you feel that you want to date someone who has experienced similar struggles, you can try one of these sites, but don't feel like you can't try mainstream sites as well.
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   Stay active. Getting out there and being active is not only a great way to meet new people, but it is also a great way to keep your depression under control. Physical activity and social engagement are both very important to your mental health, so try to be as active as possible, whether you're still looking for the right person or you've started dating someone already.

   • Try to do active things on dates, like biking, rock climbing, or going for a walk.
   • If you haven't found a partner yet, consider joining activity groups to get out there, have fun, and meet new people.
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   Do things you typically enjoy. When planning dates, try to incorporate activities that you enjoy when you are not feeling depressed. Even if your symptoms are causing you to not feel motivated, push yourself to participate in these activities with your date, as it will help you feel reinvigorated.

   • Try not to cancel dates because you feel depressed. Getting out will help you feel better.
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   Don't stress over dating. Dating can seem very stressful, but it doesn't have to be. Try to enjoy going out on dates and getting to know new people instead of worrying about what kind of impression you are making or whether you are dating the right people.

   • Cope with the stress of dating the same way you cope with others stressors in your life. For example, you might try deep breathing, visualization exercises, or meditation. If you need help finding the correct stress management techniques for you, work with a therapist.
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   Find the right time to talk about your depression. It can be awkward to bring the subject of your depression up on a date, but it will be less awkward if you wait until the moment is right. It's usually not a good idea to talk about your struggles with depression when you are just getting to know a person. Instead, keep things light and positive for the first several dates, and wait until you have established a connection to talk about your depression.

   • Instead of talking about your depression on the first few dates, use this opportunity to talk about your interests and discover what you have in common with the other person.
   • Once you feel that you are starting to get serious with someone, be honest about your depression. The person may have questions, so be willing to answer them frankly.
   • To get the conversation started, let the person know that you are sharing this information because you care about the future of your relationship. You can say something like, "You're really important to me, so there is something personal that I would like to share with you."
   • Be sure to let the person know what you are doing to keep your symptoms under control.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Mitigating the Negative Effects That Depression Can Have on Relationships

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   Recognize your self-esteem problems. Many people with depression have low self esteem, which causes them to doubt themselves constantly. If this is true for you, you may find that you are always thinking that romantic partners are not really interested in you. It's important to recognize these thoughts as a symptom of your depression and not reality.

   • To help improve your self-esteem, try thinking about all of the positive things you have done and ignoring any failures or set-backs.
   • You can also try setting a small goal for yourself so you feel good about accomplishing something.
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   Be careful of criticizing too much. Your depression may cause you to blow small things out of proportion, so be conscious of how much you criticize romantic partners. If a partner does something that annoys you, try to remind yourself that this does not necessarily mean that your partner lacks respect for you or doesn't love you.

   • When you feel the need to criticize your partner, stop for a moment and list at least five of his or her positive traits. This might help put things back in perspective for you.
   • Instead of criticizing when your partner does something that bothers you, like leaving dirty laundry on the floor or forgetting to lock the door, try calmly explaining why the action bothers you and asking if your partner can try to avoid doing it again. For example, instead of saying, "You're so lazy and you don't care about the work I do around the house because you're always leaving garbage around," try saying, "It bothers me when you leave garbage around the house because I take pride in keeping it clean. Can you try to work on that?"
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   Communicate your needs. People with depression sometimes expect their partners to know what they need at all times without ever communicating those needs. Try to be conscious of your expectations and make an effort to always let your partner know how you are feeling and what you need.

   • You may want to try scheduling a regular time to talk about your feelings with your partner, perhaps once a week. This will give you a chance to discuss anything that has been bothering you, as well as the positive feelings you have about the relationship.
   • If you are not happy with an aspect of the relationship, be open and honest about your feelings. For example, you could say, "I feel that we don't spend enough quality time together and I would like to work on improving that."
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   Give your partner your attention. Depression may cause you to periodically pay less attention to your partner, and this can be detrimental to your relationship. Try to avoid isolating yourself or shutting your partner out, no matter how bad your depression makes you feel.

   • Just because you are in a steady relationship does not mean that you should no longer be active together. Keep going out and doing new things together instead of spending all of your time at home.
   • Try establishing a routine for spending time with your partner and stick to it even if you are feeling depressed. For example, you might decide to go out on a date every Friday night.
   • Withdrawing can also worsen your depression symptoms, so fight to stay active and engaged with your partner.
   • If you are feeling very depressed, let your partner know what is going on so he or she will not think that you are purposely being distant.
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   Deal with the issues that are causing a lack on intimacy. Many people with depression have decreased sex drives, which can take a toll on any relationship. There are many different potential causes for a decreased sex drive, so try to determine what the problem might be for you and work to correct it.

   • You may have to work with a therapist to resolve issues such as a negative body image, shame, or resentment of your partner.
   • Some medications can cause decreased sex drives as well, so talk to your doctor about switching to a different medication if you think this is the case for you.
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   Don't let conflicts get out of control. There are conflicts in every relationship, but people with depression are often overwhelmed by the conflict, which causes it to become an even bigger problem. Addressing conflicts in your relationship right away can help you keep things under control.

   • Understand that you will have to deal with strong emotions. Shutting them out is simply not an option when you are trying to resolve a conflict in a romantic relationship.
   • If there are conflicts in your relationship, avoid reacting to them in destructive ways, such as being aggressive, cheating, or drinking alcohol.
   • Consider couples counseling to help you how to resolve the conflicts in your relationship together. This may also help your partner better understand your depression.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Being Your Best Self

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   Don't go it alone. The best thing you can do to prepare yourself for a romantic relationship is to get as much help as you need to manage your depression symptoms. This will leave you in a much better position to let someone new into your life. There are lots of resources available for people with depression, so be proactive about finding the help you need.

   • Try taking medication and working with your therapist to help control your depression.
   • There are also lots of support groups available for people who have depression.
   • You can make changes to your daily life to improve your symptoms, such as increasing your physical activity level, improving your diet, and spending more time with friends and family.
   • Your friends and family are also a great resource. Ask them for support and spend lots of time with them so you don't feel lonely and isolated, which can make your depression worse.
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   Learn from your past dating mistakes. Some people who suffer from depression have a poor dating history, perhaps because they suffer from low self esteem or feel as if they can't do any better. If this is the case for you, think long and hard about what was wrong with your prior relationships and try to avoid repeating your mistakes.

   • Never date someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Remember, you deserve so much better!
   • In some cases, the mistakes you made in the past may have more to do with how you handled the relationship than the partner you chose. In this case, think about how you might be able to handle similar situations differently in the future to avoid sabotaging your relationship.
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   Only date if it feels right. You should never start dating because you feel compelled to do so. No matter how much pressure you feel to find a partner, only start dating if you truly feel comfortable with yourself and want to pursue a relationship.

   • If your friends are family are encouraging you to date, they probably mean well, but they may not understand what's really best for you. Try explaining to them that you need to work on yourself before you can consider dating.
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Tips

• If your partner does not have depression, realize that it might be very hard to understand what you are going through, but that doesn't mean that they aren't trying.
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• Don't forget to love yourself. This is crucial if you want to love others and be loved by others.
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