How to Please Yourself

We all make mistakes, and sometimes we find it difficult to forgive ourselves and move forward. If you are unable to overcome your past mistakes and work to be a better person, follow the steps in this guide to get back on your feet, improve your relationships with those you have wronged, and act better in the future.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Atoning for Past Mistakes

1
Understand what bad behavior means. You need to have a standard of right and wrong in order to understand your mistakes. Think about what sort of personal standards you have, what standards your society or culture has, and so forth.
- You may not feel that something was bad, but that doesn't mean other people feel the same way. If you really want to atone for your past mistakes, you need to be empathetic to the concerns of others and act not only in the way you feel is right, but also in the way others feel is right.
- This doesn't mean compromising your own values. If another person is offended that you give food to the homeless, then you shouldn't cater to the sensibilities of such a noxious person. This only applies to what can truly be said to be bad, not to personal preferences.
2
Think long and hard about your past behavior. You've thought about your own morals, and now you are feeling that you have done some things wrong. Look into what you have done in the past, and how people reacted to those actions. Home in on your past actions that elicited negative reactions in your friends, family, and acquaintances. Focus especially on those actions that were not only negative, but harmful as well.
- Not everything that elicits a negative reaction is bad, however. For example, if you stood up to someone mistreating you, that person would not react positively to your newfound spine. However, standing up to injustice is always a good.
- Some things that received a positive reaction might have been bad, too. There is a very thin line between white lies, for example, and manipulating people. If you lie to people to make them feel better, and in the process of doing so have withheld important information that they needed to know, you have harmed rather than helped them.
- Don't make excuses for yourself. Children find excuses for their bad behavior, adults know only they are to blame for what they have done. Nothing in the world can make you do something you don't want to do but you, so stop hiding behind your bad day, your terrible work, or whatever excuse you use to hide from your bad behavior.
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3
Make a list of your mistakes. Now that you know about your own bad behavior, and have judged it as bad, you need to catalogue all of those mistakes.
- If you don't reckon everything you have done, you may miss something, and thus miss a chance to improve yourself.
- You will also be unable to ask for forgiveness from others, if you don't know who those others are.
4
Forgive yourself. You cannot love others until you love yourself, as the cliché goes, but it is certainly a true one. Before you can begin asking others for forgiveness, you have to ask yourself for forgiveness as to what you have done.
- This may be the hardest thing you have ever done. You may feel like your mistakes make you worthless, that they are unforgivable. If that is the case, how could anyone ever think about forgiving you? Realize that there are very few mistakes that are so unforgivable, and that you probably have not committed any of them. You're not a murderer, rapist, or paedophile - you're just a person who has messed up.
- Don't be a narcissist. Being cocky, thinking you are better than others, and treating others poorly because of it is not the meaning of self-love. Such feelings often come from a place of deep self-loathing and insecurity. Instead, realize that acceptance, understanding, and compassion for your own self is the basis for true self-love.
5
Change your behavior. You've owned up to your mistakes to yourself, but just because you know you've done wrong, does not mean you will actually stop doing it. Mark Twain once said of his notoriously bad habit that "giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."^{[1]XResearch source} Don't be Mr. Twain. Work today to change your bad behavior.
- You cannot truly say you have repented unless, faced with the same situation where you failed, you instead succeed. Don't think that you have done everything you can just by forgiving yourself. You need to change your bad behaviors as well.
- There are many ways to stop bad, habitual behaviors. Check out some methods here.
6
Ask others for forgiveness. Now that you know you were bad, you've forgiven yourself and, most importantly, you've changed, you can think about reaching out to people you've hurt to ask for forgiveness.
- You need to be sincere in your atonement, and you need to show that sincerity by being able to point to things you have done to change. Anyone can let loose a canned apology. Only the truly repentant can be sincere about it.
- Don't try to use excuses. No one cares if you were stuck in traffic, they care that you missed the business meeting and didn't tell anyone. Remember, you are apologizing because you know you are at fault.
- Don't expect them to accept your apology. This may be hard to take, but you could have hurt someone bad enough that they don't want to hear about your new way of doing things or about your apology. Accept this fact, and move on. Apologizing might help you to mend this relationship over time, or it could be irretrievably broken. Go in without expectations.
- Apologizing isn't just for you, it's for the other person as well. If you suspect you might hurt that person more by reentering their life to apologize, it might be best to take solace in the fact you have changed, without reminding another person of the fact. Apologizing is to improve a relationship you have or mend one that is broken, not try to rebuild a burnt down bridge.
7
Seek outside help. Understanding you have done wrong, and then trying to improve yourself to be better, is one of the rarest human behaviors. This is because it is also one of the hardest. If you aren't able to do it all alone, don't worry; there are many people in the world who are willing to help you.
- If you are religious, try speaking to a local member of your clergy, preferably someone you can confide in. A priest, rabbi, imam, or whoever is often trained in pastoral counseling, and will be able to not only listen respectfully to what you have to say, but also offer guidance in what to do next. Also, don't forget that with religion comes a whole community. You can often rely just as much on them as you can on your spiritual leader.
- Reach out to friends or family. If you have friends or family that are willing to lend you an ear or a shoulder to cry on, don't hesitate to talk to them. They often love and care about you more than you could ever know.
- Join a support group. These are not just for cancer patients or their families, but for almost any possible need. If you have physically or mentally abused people in the past, there are support groups that will help you change your negative behaviors for the better. If your past bad behavior was related to alcohol or drugs, Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous have many support groups designed to help you overcome your addictions with a community of people dedicated to helping you help yourself.
- See a psychiatrist or psychologist. A trained professional might be useful to see if you feel your problems are too severe to solve on your own, and you haven't had luck with any of the other options. Sometimes, a good listening ear for one or two sessions is all you need to get you on the right track.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Staying the Course

1
Meditate. This will relax you, as well as offer insight into your past and present actions, beliefs, and states of mind.
- Find a quiet place in your home where you will not be disturbed by housemates, family members, or pets
- Set aside 10-15 minutes each day to start, then slowly increase the amount of time you spend meditating as your practice deepens
- For a more detailed guide to meditation, look here or here.
2
Make new friends. Friends are some of our most important relationships, and the nature of our friendships with others influences how we view the world and approach other people. If your past friends were a bad influence, or if your current friends do not support the new you, it may be time to make new friends.
- New friends are like breaths of fresh air, and can help you overcome your past mistakes, or replace friends that were a bad influence on your past behavior.
- The more genuine friends you have, the more bulwarks you have against relapsing into past bad thoughts, emotional patterns, or behaviors.
- Plus, new friends are just fun to be around and to do things with.
3
Show people the new you. Part of self-love is embracing the person that you are, and part of embracing who you are is getting other people to do the same.
- You don't need to flaunt yourself. Just be comfortable in your own skin.
- Consider making a grand entrance as your new and improved self, so that people can make a clean mental break between who they thought you were, and who they see you are. Large parties or family gatherings are good venues for this.
4
Find new hobbies. Breaking a bad habit often requires replacing it with a new, better one.
- Miss the rush of drug addiction? Consider a natural high, like playing sports, ski-diving, mountain climbing, or other activities that release endorphins and dopamine, the body's natural pleasure chemicals.
- Feeling nostalgic for the party scene? Try joining a group of like-minded individuals for socializing. Whether it is for exercise, hanging out, video or board games, or whatever you want, there are a lot of resources in your town or city for meeting new people and trying new things.
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Tips

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Instead of making large grand goals, start by establishing little goals that help you to achieve the grand goal.
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Don't beat yourself up about failures. If you do not see improvement in your goals immediately, just pick yourself up, and keep on going. There is no other way than this to achieve victory, for even the strongest lose sometimes.
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Go to bed each night with a feeling of accomplishment. Maybe you felt angry at a co-worker and, contrary to your past behavior, did not lash out with verbal abuse. Congratulate yourself for this small victory. The next day, try to do something larger. Instead of restraining your anger, try to diminish it. Over time, work to eliminate your anger entirely. Baby steps are key.
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