Open Relationship Boundaries for a Healthy Foundation

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How to start an open relationship and what rules to establish to keep you and your partner comfortable

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Open Relationship Guidelines

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Staying Comfortable in an Open Relationship

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Types of Open Relationships

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Expert Interview

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Tips

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Are you and your partner considering diving into the world of open relationships? An open relationship is a consensual, non-monogamous relationship. While there are a few different types, they all boil down to the same thing: a type of relationship where you both date and sleep with other people (rather than having 1 single partner). With the right ground rules and enough open communication, you can create a rock-solid foundation for your open relationship to stand on. Keep reading to learn more about non-monogamy and how to set healthy boundaries with your partner.

Things You Should Know

Set your sexual and emotional boundaries early on. Discuss how sexual and how romantic you want your outside relationships to be.
Be honest and tell the truth at all times. Without a solid foundation, an open relationship can’t thrive.
Always practice safe sex, and get tested for STDs and STIs often.
Talk about who you and your partner can pursue, and who’s off the table to have an outside relationship with.

Section 1 of 3:

Open Relationship Guidelines

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Set your sexual boundaries. Talk to your partner about how often you’re going to have sex with other people, how many partners you want to have, and which sex acts are on the table. Get as detailed as possible: if there’s something you’re not comfortable with your partner doing, now is the time to tell them.^{[1]XResearch source} Make sure that you and your partner both agree on whatever boundaries are set in place.
- For instance, maybe you’re okay with your partner receiving oral sex, but you don’t want them to have traditional PIV sex. If that’s the case, let your partner know.
- Also discuss logistics, like if it’s okay to spend the night at someone else’s home, or if you can bring sexual partners back to your place.
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Talk about your emotional boundaries. Are these outside relationships going to be strictly sexual, or is there an emotional connection involved as well? Can you go out on dates, or is it hookups only? Figure out your own boundaries, then talk to your partner about what you’re both comfortable with.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Now’s the time to chat about how much you’re going to share with each other, too. Do you want to hear every little detail about your partner’s sexual interactions, or would you rather not kiss and tell? There’s no right or wrong answer here—it’s all about what you and your primary partner are comfortable with.
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Be honest and open with each other at all times. In an open relationship, trust is the foundation. If you can’t trust your partner, then an open relationship will not work. Promise to always tell each other the truth, even if it gets uncomfortable.^{[3]XResearch source}
- For instance, maybe you mess up and accidentally cross a sexual boundary that you and your partner set. Tell your partner right away so you can both work on reestablishing your boundaries and getting comfortable again.
- It’s important to be honest about your own feelings, too. If you ever feel jealous, insecure, or uncomfortable, talk to your partner about it. You can both address any negative feelings to either get back on track or set new boundaries.
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Practice safe sex. With multiple partners comes a higher risk of spreading STDs and STIs. Protect yourself against STDs and STIs by always practicing safe sex and getting tested regularly. Ask your partner to do the same so you’re both having fun while staying safe.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Remember, hormonal birth control (like birth control pills, the IUD, the shot, etc.) will protect against pregnancy, but won’t protect against STDs or STIs.
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Set limits on who each of you can be with. Once all of your baseline boundaries are set, it’s time to talk about who you and your partner can pursue. Let your partner know if anyone is off the table: mutual friends, your partner’s friends, coworkers… Anyone you might be uncomfortable with your partner having sex with. That way, there’s no confusion about who either one of you can date.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Also talk about the relationship status of the other partners. Is it okay to be with someone who also has a primary partner and is in an open relationship, or would you rather stick to single people?
- As you discuss who you can and can’t be with, remember that your other partners are people, too. Always tell them upfront about your relationship status, and respect their boundaries if they aren’t comfortable with it.

Section 2 of 3:

Staying Comfortable in an Open Relationship

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1
Check in with your partner often. As you open up your relationship and meet new partners, it’s important to keep an open dialogue. Talk to your partner often (every week, every other week, or even every other day) to see how you both feel. This will help you bring up any issues and work with your partner to confront negative feelings or bad boundaries.^{[6]XResearch source}
- “Hey, can we talk? I think I might want to adjust some of the boundaries that we set at the beginning. I don’t really love hearing all the details about your dates, so I think we should keep some things private.”
- “Do you have a second? I wanted to talk about our hookups-only policy. I think I might like it if I went on dates with other people instead of just having sex with them. What do you think?”
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Remind each other that you two are the primary partners. When you start dating other people, it can be easy to lose sight of who’s number 1. Remember that your original partner is your primary partner: be sure to take each other out on dates, spend time with each other, and have sex often. Keep your main partner as your priority above all your other relationships.^{[7]XResearch source}
- If you ever feel neglected or like your partner isn’t allocating enough time for you, let them know. Say something like, “Hey, could we check in? I feel like we haven’t been spending enough time together, and I’d really like to reconnect.”
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Talk about any jealousy that creeps in. Even while in an open relationship, it’s totally normal to feel jealous every now and then. Deal with this jealousy by letting your partner know why you’re feeling jealous and what might help you not feel as bad.^{[8]XResearch source} The most common times you’ll feel jealous in an open relationship is right at the beginning.
- “I know it’s no big deal, but I’m feeling a little bummed about how much fun you and your date had together last week. I could use some reassurance from you.”
- Jealousy often stems from our own insecurities, so it’s important to work on your self-esteem and love yourself first before heading into an open relationship.
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Close the relationship if it’s not working. Remember, you and your partner are in control here, and you can close the relationship at any point. If either one of you feels like the openness isn’t working, cut it off. Decide that you tried it, but it wasn’t for you, and that’s okay.^{[9]XResearch source}
- An open relationship can only work if it’s meeting the needs of both partners. If it’s not working for either one of you, then it’s time to change things.

Section 3 of 3:

Types of Open Relationships

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Polyamory involves engaging in multiple romantic partners, with the consent of everyone involved. Typically, these relationships are both romantic and sexual.
You’re committed to your primary partner, but you can both have sex with other people. Usually, these outside relationships do not have a romantic connection.
Swinging involves having multiple sexual partners, usually without a romantic connection. Traditionally, you and your partner will “swap” partners with another couple, either for a night or for specific sexual acts.
Relationship anarchy involves rejecting all rules and expectations that may come with a traditional monogamous relationship.

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Comprehension Quiz

What is an open relationship?

A non-monogamous relationship that involves only sexual relationships outside of the primary partnership.

A type of relationship where one partner is free to have other romantic and sexual relationships outside of the primary partnership without the other partner's knowledge.

A committed non-monogamous relationship where both partners date and sleep with other people with the consent of everyone involved.

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Tips

If you’re having trouble with an open relationship, visit a couple’s counselor who specializes in non-monogamy. They can help you work through your issues from a third party, unbiased perspective.
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Not sure if you’re ready to have an open relationship? Spend some more time looking into them to see if it’s right for you. They can be healthy and successful, but they do take a lot of time and effort to make them that way.
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