How to Offer Help and Support to a Widowed Mother

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parts

1Attending to The Crisis

2Addressing Physical, Emotional, Financial Needs

3Managing For The Long Term

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Tips and Warnings

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References

When women are widowed either early or late in their marriage, a strong support system is essential. Whether you are a family member, close friend or acquaintance, it is difficult to know what to do. There are tasks best-handled by relatives and intimate family friends, and other things that anyone can do. Providing support is challenging, but can be accomplished by attending to the crisis, addressing her physical, emotional and financial needs, and managing for the long term.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Attending to The Crisis

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   Contact her after the passing of the loved one. In times of crisis people gather to provide support to one another. When someone has experienced a profound loss, it is important to show her she is not alone. Sitting with the person and actively listening to her tell you what happened and acknowledging her feelings can be extremely helpful. You are there to comfort and reassure her, which will include listening, talking and calming the situation in any way.

   • Once you arrive, give her a healing hug, and to anyone else who needs one. Some hugs call for a longer duration. Hug the person for as long as she needs.
   • If you live far away from your mother or friend, contact her by telephone to determine if your presence is needed. Rely upon your intuition or the suggestion of a family member whether you should make arrangements to be by her side.
   • If you are an acquaintance, contact the bereaved within a reasonable amount of time, which may be within the first 24-48 hours and two weeks. Make sure you acknowledge the passing to avoid being thought of as forgetting to do so, or being insensitive.
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   Avoid saying unhelpful comments. There are comments that might be perceived as offensive or that minimize the person’s profound loss. The last thing you want to do is upset the grieving person more than she already is. She is not ready to hear certain types of information. It is too early in her journey.

   • Stay away from comments such as: “I know exactly what you are feeling”; “This is all God’s plan”; “Your husband is in a better place”; “I know he’s gone, but look at all the things you can be thankful for”; “You should be feeling better in no time.” You can never feel someone’s feelings, assume anyone is religious or believes in a “God’s plan,” imply she should be grateful, or that you have any idea about how long she will be grieving.
   • Many times you might not know what to say to someone in this situation. Let her lead the conversation. Be comfortable with silence as this might be just what she needs.
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   Comfort the person with supportive comments. These are extremely sensitive times, so limit what you say to supportive phrases that acknowledge the situation, express your concern, and don’t hide your feelings.

   • For example you can say, “I heard that ______died today and I am so sorry to hear this. I never know what to say when things like this happen. Please just know that I care about you and will help in any way that I can.”
   • When a person is upset they may not think clearly and might not be able to tell you how you can help. Make suggestions such as, “Let me pick up the kids from school this week, or go grocery shopping, or baby sit your dog. I’m here for you in whatever way you need.”
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   Make calls to announce the passing. When a person has lost a spouse, it is difficult to even say the words, “_________ died today.” Although it might be a struggle to be the bearer of bad new, offer to call family, friends or work colleagues to let them know of the passing. This task can be separated between relatives, friends and work associates. This will unburden her and allow her a little peace during the crisis.

   • Make a list of contacts that she approves of and ask her what she is comfortable sharing with them. If she says she doesn’t know say the following, “I will share that he passed at ______ from a ______ and arrangements are pending. I will tell them that you wanted them to know and I am helping notify everyone. Does that sound good?”
   • After the initial crisis, make calls to those people who were not informed of the passing.
   • Keep track of any special messages that people tell you so you can convey the words of love and support to your mom or friend. Healing words are needed from any and all sources. People will also send letters, flowers or notifications of donations made in honor of the deceased. With the widow's consent, you can help by sending “thank you” notes to those people.
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   Mobilize relatives, friends and colleagues to join efforts. Most families have certain people who assume roles in times of crisis. The same holds true for close friends, and leaders at the person’s workplace. Some people are more comfortable dealing with intense situations and others are not. There is a lot to be done so find the courage to step up and take care of what is needed.

   • First and foremost is the comfort of your mother, friend and colleague. Some bereaved may find it comforting to keep themselves busy with some responsibilities. Some will not be able to handle a lot of responsibility. When a person is in the throes of an extreme loss it is difficult to think clearly, make decisions or communicate. You must use your best judgment to ensure she is not taking on more than she should.
   • Accept responsibility for the things you can do and delegate the items that need to be done to reliable family members, friends and work associates.
   • If you cannot handle the intense situations, there are plenty of less intense things you can still do to contribute. For example, relatives might be coming into town so offer to pick people up at the airport. Or, if you work with the person, offer to perform some of her work duties while she is gone from work.
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   Help coordinate funeral arrangements if appropriate. There are situations that are extremely difficult in life, and making funeral arrangements for a loved one is one of them. These tasks are usually the responsibility of the family or a close intimate friend. Acquaintances and work colleagues usually offer to help with other related tasks as needed.

   • Some people will not be comfortable going to a mortuary to make funeral arrangements. Do not force anyone to go. Approach the situation as something that must be done. Find the courage to do it by saying to yourself, “Okay, you’ve got to be strong for mom right now. That’s what needs to done. She needs my help.”
   • Go with your mom or friend to the funeral home to make all the arrangements. She may need your help to making decisions about the service and the location of the final resting place.
   • Some people have pre-arranged for their own funeral, which will lessen the burden on the family. Locate any important papers that may be helpful.
   • Help make a guest list and contact everyone to let them know about the service. You can craft an e-mail to let everyone know, or the funeral home may build a website for the departed family member where people can get information on the service.
   • Determine who she would like to talk at the service. The service may be religious or secular and may or may not include people sharing their thoughts and feelings about the departed. Organize it in whatever way feels appropriate.
   • Be mindful that funeral expenses can be excessive. Take all financial obligations into consideration when making decisions on the various options the funeral home offers. If you are concerned about your mom’s financial future, consider keeping funeral expenses within a reasonable yet respectable range. Also, be wary of funeral directors who may want to take advantage and up-sell various services.
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   Attend the funeral. Many ceremonies are held to acknowledge the ending of a journey. Funerals serve a purpose for those who have passed away, but also for those still living. A celebration of life is healing in many ways. You will be there to support your mother, friend or colleague, but you will also be experiencing your own healing.

   • Make sure you have a supply of tissue. This is an emotional time and tears will fall.
   • Ask her if there is anything she would like to say or have someone say about her spouse.
   • Monitor your mom’s behaviors to ensure she doesn’t get too overwhelmed. If there is a reception after the funeral she will be facing a lot of well-wishers. Take a break when necessary by removing her from the crowd for a short period of time. Some women are very strong in these instances, but you need to keep an eye on her either way.
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   Allow her space to rest, heal and regroup. Once the funeral and reception are over and the relatives have returned home, reality sets in. The grieving has already started and this is the first step in dealing with the transition of living without the spouse being around. It is a sensitive time that may require a lot of hand holding, listening and consoling.

   • Monitor closely for a period of time. Daily calls or visits might be needed. If you have concerns you can say, “Mom, I’m concerned about you and I want to make sure you’ve got what you need. I want to give you some space to heal, but I’m still here to help.”
   • A person might refuse your help, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop monitoring.
   • The stress of being widowed can cause depression, anxiety and substance dependence. If you sense this is a problem seek appropriate help.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Addressing Physical, Emotional, Financial Needs

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   Monitor her eating, self-care and sleep. Life has understandably become difficult to live. A lot of energy is expended during difficult times. It is essential that the basics of survival are achieved. When all the focus is upon the departed, a person can lose sight of her own needs.

   • Ensure that she is eating. Grief is a different experience for everyone.
   • Some people lose their appetite or even forget to eat. Make sure she is getting enough food during this emotionally demanding time. For example you can say, “I’m here to help you so if that means bringing you dinner every night for a while, then that’s what I’ll do. I’m going to keep an eye on you. So tell me, what are some of your favorite foods?”
   • Personal hygiene is one of the first signs of depression. If you notice she is not bathing or is wearing soiled clothing, you can gently ask her, “Mom, do you need some help with laundry? I noticed you’ve got a few spots on your clothes that we could get out if we washed them. Are you taking a shower every day?” Due to the sensitivity of this subject, a close relative or friend is likely the best person to have this type of discussion.
   • Sleep deprivation can negatively affect such things as attention, memory, and decision making. Thus, look for any signs of this. For example, a person might repeat the same questions within a short amount of time; or she might get frustrated with simple decisions such as when to take a shower or what to eat.
   • After a loved one passes there are a lot of decisions to make; therefore sleep is essential. If she is not getting a healthy amount of sleep she needs, you can suggest she investigate relaxation techniques that have shown to help with insomnia. She should not be sleeping too short or too long of a period.
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   Help her to grieve. Many people are taught how to acquire things, but few are taught how to lose. After the loss of a loved one, a person is likely ill-equipped to understand and to manage the pain associated with grief. There are stages to grief, loss and bereavement that once understood, can help a person grieve and complete their relationship with the pain.

   • Various studies have recognized that grief can include the following stages: numbness and blunting; pining and yearning; disorganization and despair; reorganization and recovery.
   • Respect her process. Not everyone experiences all the stages of grief, and the duration of each stage varies from person to person. If you think she should be over the loss, step back and remember that it is her loss. Support her in any way you can. If it goes on for years you can ask, “_____, I’m concerned that you cry every day about losing _____ and it’s been over a year. Maybe there’s a way to help.”
   • Remind her that relationships have three components: physical, emotional and spiritual. Her relationship with the departed has changed in the physical sense, but will emotionally and spiritually continue.
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   Address financial changes if appropriate. This portion is likely to be exclusive to the role and function of a relative, but it is important for anyone to know. This would also be governed by the woman’s request to get involved. You probably weren’t privileged to know the details of your relative’s financial situation. When a death occurs, you will likely find out quickly if things were handled well or not. Bills come due and wait for no one. You need to determine a strategy to meet the immediate needs and long range necessities.

   • Did she manage the payments for the household or did her spouse? If she managed them, she can continue. If her spouse managed the payments, you may have to teach her how to do it herself. You may have to take over this duty if she is elderly and doesn’t have the capacity to do it.
   • Help her contact all financial sources where accounts are held. Do not close accounts that have both spouses’ names on them until at least a year after the death of the loved one. Many transactions are anticipated and an open account is crucial to obtain funds.
   • Someone will need to evaluate if there are funds to support her for the duration of her life. Investments and other sources will need to be reviewed and adjusted to ensure all funds are now directed to the surviving spouse.
   • If there is a will or trust that was established, everyone can rely upon what is written in the trust. There will be an executor assigned who will direct the proceedings. If a trust was not in place, consult with an attorney for reliable and trustworthy direction on what action to take.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Managing For The Long Term

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   Prove your dedication by showing up. People who go through a traumatic experience continue to heal with the help of others. Whether you a relative, friend or colleague, she will need your support as life moves forward. Be kind and willing to help her in normal and difficult situations. It will make you feel better.

   • If you are a close relative, make it a habit to call her every day or every few days just to see how she is doing. It will take 10-20 minutes out of your day, which is less than the average daily visit to Facebook.
   • Drop by her house with her favorite dessert just to make her smile. This will let her know that you care about her enough to take the time to show her you care.
   • If there are house repairs that never got taken care of by the parent who passed away, make arrangements to have them fixed or do it yourself if you are a relative or close friend.
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   Handle anniversaries and holidays with care. Experiencing the first birthday, anniversary, and holiday season without a loved one can be problematic and depressing. Some people will always have difficulty during holidays. Manage the situation by keeping expectations low and peace plentiful.

   • Whether she is a relative, friend or co-worker, ask her if she feels up to exchanging gifts during holidays. You can say, “I know you’re probably having a hard time this year. Do you want to exchange gifts or should we just enjoy each other’s company this year? I’m sure we would all be okay with whatever you want to do.” Give her the opportunity to take a pass on the year’s activities.
   • If you are a relative or friend and she wants to go to the grave where her spouse is buried, take her. Help her to pick out flowers before you go. Bring a clipper and stone polish to clean the grave marker if necessary.
   • If she cries on the person’s birthday or the anniversary of the passing acknowledge it and say something like, “I know it’s hard for your and I can’t believe he is gone either.” Hand her a tissue and give her a hug.
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   Coordinate visits with family, friends and colleagues. You can’t be there 100% of the time so talk to others and see when they can visit. They might need reminding and prompting, but do what you can to continue to support her. No one handles abandonment well and when people stop visiting, people feel abandoned.

   • If she is a church-goer, contact the lady’s group at her church and see how they can be involved. Perhaps they can take turns bringing a meal to her once a week.
   • Determine which relatives, friends and colleagues will involve themselves in helping her. Ask each of them what if anything would they like to contribute.
   • Pick a reliable routine to visit her and stick to it. She will appreciate your commitment, dedication and gestures of love.
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   Help her to find joy again. There will be a time when she shows signs of recovery and allows goodness to come back into her life. She may smile more or become interested in various activities. Once you observe this, take the initiative and invite her to do fun activities. If she loves music, go to a concert or musical. Let her be the director of her fun while you help her make it happen.

   • This may involve helping her sift through and donate old clothes and belongings. Help her to focus on the fact that giving away clothing will allow someone else to enjoy it.
   • Help her to remember the good times. Spend a Sunday going to the departed loved one’s favorite beach or fishing spot. Have a dinner and eat all the loved one’s favorite items. This will help her feel closer to the person.
   • Create a hard copy or video-based memorial of pictures with or for her. It would be therapeutic for her to participate; and would be a great gift as well.
   • Do not pressure her to find a new love interest. This is such an individual choice that you must allow her the time she needs to decide if she will ever seek companionship. There are plenty of women leading full and meaningful lives on their own. You must respect her wishes.
   • At work, ask her to join a group in charge of organizing a fun event. This will help her feel like she is contributing to a meaningful project, which is healing.
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   Seek professional help for her or yourself if necessary. It takes bravery and courage to ask for help. If either of you are struggling with loss or caretaker fatigue, contact a trusted source to talk about getting help. There are resources available to you from a private provider such as a counselor or doctor. Talking with someone will help you sort out your struggles and develop an effective approach to handle anything.

   • If she cannot stop crying for most of the day, encourage her to call a counselor or a doctor to seek help. If you have suffered a great loss, this can be considered normal for a period of time. Grief counseling will help.
   • Art therapy is one of many types of therapy that is also available and can be extremely beneficial.
   • Cognitive-behavioral therapy is also an effective therapy for depression, and anxiety disorders.
   • Group therapy is also effective when coupled with a problem solving approach. Groups may be focuses specifically on grieving, or can be formed to help with coping skills.
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Tips

• You may not be able to replace someone who has passed, but you can compensate by making a difference in small yet significant ways.
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• Take good care of your health while caring for others. Helping others can be exhausting.
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• Sometimes doing nothing and allowing someone to be peaceful is the best thing to do.
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Warnings

• Do not allow loved ones to make important decisions during extreme periods of grief. The consequences may be difficult to reverse.
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• If you observe the signs of severe depression or anxiety in a loved one, take action by talking with them or calling for help.
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• Extreme loss can lead to suicidal behaviors. Contact 911 should you sense this is a possibility in yourself or others.
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