How to Not Feel

Emotions can be powerful, maybe one of the most powerful things we experience. Especially the bad ones. If you're struggling to keep your thoughts and your emotions under control, you can learn to control your mind and control your body, to make your emotional reactions, and your experience, much less severe.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Controlling Your Emotions

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1
Find what makes you vulnerable. If you feel too strongly, you need a plan to strengthen your sensitive spots. Get real about the things that affect you, the things that make you uncomfortable. What bothers you? What pushes your buttons? Consider the following questions, as specifically as possible:^{[1]XResearch source}
- What do you love the most?
- What creates the strongest feelings in you?
- What makes you cry, or feel like crying?
- What's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? The ugliest?
- What would you like to avoid at all costs?
- What is the most important thing in your life?
- What could you never do without?
2
Expose yourself as much as possible. Find your raw nerve. Is it a fear, an attachment, or a devotion? Whatever the case, try to expose yourself to that thing as much as possible. Give it less power in your life. Confront it.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Think of it as facing your fears. If something causes you to feel too much, you can learn to desensitize yourself to it. If you watch a hundred horror movies, the hundred-and-first will be much less scary.^{[3]XResearch source}
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If you're scared of dogs, make a visit to the pound once a week and just be in the room with some. Pet a gentle little one when you get the chance and work your way up to taking a bigger dog for a walk. If you're scared of horror movies, start with something PG-13 and work your way up to the really graphic ones.
4
Have a forgetting ritual. Experiencing strong emotions will help you become less affected by them. You may even start to like that hundred-and-first horror flick. And once something has less power? You've got the power to get rid of it. You've got the power to forget it.
- If you can't stop thinking about an ex who brought you great pain, look through old photos. Remembering the good times, one last time. Then create a box in your mind and burn those memories. Burn those photos.
- Treat it like a serious ritual, as silly as it may feel or sound. Say out-loud, "This is the final time that a horror movie will bother me. I will never fear another, and I never need to see another." Discard the photos for real.
5
Put less stock in what others think. Your feelings are your own business. Listen to your own voice and your own instincts. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for caring deeply about something. There's nothing uncool about your passions.
- Only keep friends who support you and bring positive energy, not friends who criticize or tease. If your friends don't, get new ones.
6
Distract yourself from hard feelings. If you struggle to rein in your emotions, distract yourself with other things instead.^{[4]XExpert SourceLaura Horne, MPH
Health Education SpecialistExpert Interview. 20 August 2019.} Don't control them, outrun them. If you stay more active than your emotions, you'll hardly even notice them.
- Some people may come across as cold or unfeeling, because they're drowning in work. Keep your schedule as busy as possible, your time as occupied as you can. Get busy.
- Pick up a new hobby, if you're struggling to think of things to do. Play an instrument, pick up a new sport, or take up some kind of collection. Always be active in something, working toward a goal.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Detaching from Your Emotions

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1
Be aware of your emotions. "Not feeling" doesn't mean ignoring your emotions, or repressing them. If you feel negativity, accept it. If you feel love, accept it. Strive to be fully aware and present in the emotions you experience.^{[5]XExpert SourceLaura Horne, MPH
Health Education SpecialistExpert Interview. 20 August 2019.}
- Your feelings will always be a part of you on some level. Even the Dali Lama gets angry occasionally, and the toughest MMA fighter will occasionally be brought to tears. If your emotions don't rule you, you'll be calm, cool, and collected. You'll be unflappable. It's not "losing" your emotions, it's keeping them far away and under control.
2
Name what you're feeling. The better you can learn to talk about how you're feeling, the less it will rule over your actions, without identifying yourself with it.
- As you feel a particular emotion coming on, name it: "I feel anger happening," or "There's anger here." It might sound weird, but it helps you put the emotion somewhere else.
- Don't identify with your feelings. Don't say, "I am angry." How you feel doesn't define you as a person. You're not the sum of the things you feel. You're bigger than your feelings.^{[6]XExpert SourceLaura Horne, MPH
  Health Education SpecialistExpert Interview. 20 August 2019.}
3
Accept your feelings. Sometimes, you can't control your feelings. They're not things that we choose, and they're not things that we have much control over. If you're feeling scared of horror films, you're scared of horror films. If you're feeling sad about your break-up with an ex, you're sad about your break-up.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Imagine you could "watch" your suffering happen, as if it were happening to another person. Distance it, away from your conception of yourself. Put your suffering just over there.
4
Express yourself freely. When you learn to accept your feelings, you can learn to loosen yourself up. Express yourself as freely as possible. Think of it less as "feeling" or "not feeling," and more as staying unattached to those feelings that you experience. Feel your feelings come into your mind and send them back out of your mind as easily as they arrived.^{[8]XExpert SourceLaura Horne, MPH
Health Education SpecialistExpert Interview. 20 August 2019.}
- Work on thinking less about how you feel and more in just feeling it in the moment and letting it go. If something makes you mad, don't bury it under the surface. Say, "That just made me mad" and explain why.

Part 3

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Practicing Meditation

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1
Practice rhythmic breathing. The mind and the body are connected in ways that are difficult to understand, but your breath is often at the meeting point of that connection. Breathing deeply helps to calm emotions and settle your mind, as well as it helps to oxygenate your bloodstream, which helps to create feelings of euphoria and calmness.
- Each day, try sitting and taking deep breaths for 15-20 minutes, or more if you're comfortable and have the time. Breathe in deeply for 10 seconds, hold your breath for 5 seconds, and exhale again for 10 seconds.
2
Exercise hard. Sometimes called "runner's high," a kind of mind-body euphoria is thought to exist when you start to push your body with strenuous exercise. While science struggles to understand the phenomenon, hypothesis have been proposed that suggest endorphins might play a role, resulting in the common description of calmness and euphoria associated with running, or other types of exercise.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- Don't push yourself too hard, if you're not a regular exerciser, but try to get into shape if you want to experience this, then try challenging yourself to the "one more" game. If you're out jogging and you reach the point that you were about to stop, make yourself do one more lap, or go one more block. Do one more rep squat, or one more minute of burpees.
3
Experiment with suffering meditation. A particular style of Buddhist meditation known as "tonglen" focuses on connecting the mind and the body around the concept of suffering. If you're interested in letting go of obsessive thoughts, of feeling less, the famous Buddhist and author Pema Chodron suggests practicing guided meditation like tonglen, to cultivate a sense of peace.^{[10]XResearch source}
- When you feel emotional discomfort, or pain, force yourself to say (or think): "Other people feel this." Your suffering is not unique. It is the suffering that others have experienced and do experience on a regular basis.
- Breathe that suffering in. Take on the burden of that suffering from others, each time you breathe, and exhale positive energy and emotions back into the world. Say, "May others be relieved of this suffering, as I take it on."
4
Talk to your doctor if you're struggling. If you're struggling with serious emotional problems, obsessive thoughts, or are just extremely upset, consider reaching out and getting help. Not all emotional problems are controllable all by yourself. Guided therapy, prescription medication, and a variety of treatment options are available.
- If you're in serious physical pain, it's also important to discuss pain management options with your doctor. Don't suffer in silence. Try to describe your pain as accurately and honestly as possible, and seek a variety of treatment options.

Expert Q&A

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Question
How do you distract yourself from difficult emotions?
Laura Horne, MPH
Health Education Specialist
Laura is Chief Program Officer for Active Minds, the nation’s premier nonprofit organization supporting mental health awareness and education for students. Prior to Active Minds, Laura led public health initiatives at the National Association of County and City Health Officials and at Tulane University. She earned her Master of Public Health degree from Tulane University. She is certified as a Health Education Specialist by the National Commission for Health Education Credentialing.
Laura Horne, MPH
Health Education Specialist
Expert Answer
Activities are a great way for us to distract ourselves from our current emotions until we are better able to cope. When our level of distress is too high, we may not be able to effectively handle a situation and need ways to bring our emotional state down. Some good distractions include calling a friend, taking a hot or cold shower, and doing something kind for someone else.
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Question
How do you change your emotions?
Laura Horne, MPH
Health Education Specialist
Laura is Chief Program Officer for Active Minds, the nation’s premier nonprofit organization supporting mental health awareness and education for students. Prior to Active Minds, Laura led public health initiatives at the National Association of County and City Health Officials and at Tulane University. She earned her Master of Public Health degree from Tulane University. She is certified as a Health Education Specialist by the National Commission for Health Education Credentialing.
Laura Horne, MPH
Health Education Specialist
Expert Answer
Ask yourself if your response is warranted. Check to see if the situation warrants the response you’re having. Examine the facts. While our emotions are always valid, they are not always justified. Look to see if your emotional response matches the circumstances.
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Question
How can I help a friend going through a hard time?
Laura Horne, MPH
Health Education Specialist
Laura is Chief Program Officer for Active Minds, the nation’s premier nonprofit organization supporting mental health awareness and education for students. Prior to Active Minds, Laura led public health initiatives at the National Association of County and City Health Officials and at Tulane University. She earned her Master of Public Health degree from Tulane University. She is certified as a Health Education Specialist by the National Commission for Health Education Credentialing.
Laura Horne, MPH
Health Education Specialist
Expert Answer
For many situations, you don’t have to be an expert to help. You just have to be there. Take time to have a conversation with your friend. Let them know that you are here for them and then refer them to additional sources of support.
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