This article was co-authored by Lauren Sanders and by How.com.vn staff writer, Hannah Madden. Lauren Sanders is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Dating for the Soul. With over four years of experience, she specializes in helping singles find love. Lauren is also the author of Lipstick Faith: A Collection of Inspirational Writings and Life Lessons, You Deserve the World, Rainbows and Strawberries: 100 Devotions for the Brighter Side of Life, and Let's Go Outside Mommy. Lauren holds BS from Dillard University and a Masters from The University of North Georgia.
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We all have moments of selfishness from time to time. But people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) take selfishness and inflated egos to the next level. If you believe you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, there are probably some patterns or cycles you’ve already started noticing, both in how they act around you and around other people. To learn more about narcissistic relationships and how you can keep yourself safe in a relationship with a narcissist, keep reading.
Things You Should Know
- A narcissist will start out by idealizing you: they’ll put you up on a pedestal and worship the ground you walk on.
- Over time, the devaluation stage sets in. This is when a narcissist starts insulting you or trying to control you.
- Once a narcissist can’t get validation from you anymore, they'll either discard you and move on to someone else to repeat the pattern with or restart the pattern with you.
Steps
Relationship Cycle
- Idealization When you first get into a relationship with a narcissist, they hold you up on a pedestal. They might call you their soulmate, their twin flame, or their knight in shining armor. For weeks (or even months), a narcissist might be planning your future wedding or even naming your future children.
- At first, you might think this is amazing! You’ve finally found the perfect partner for you. But over time, cracks will start to show, and your partner will move onto the next phase.
- Devaluation Slowly but surely, you’ll notice a change within your narcissistic partner. They might start to insult or criticize you more, or make you feel “less-than” them. They might also withhold physical or emotional intimacy or even gaslight you. Over time, these behaviors will escalate, until you can barely remember the honeymoon period in the beginning of your relationship.
- Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into doubting your own thoughts or memories. You might hear things like, “That never happened,” or, “Are you sure you’re remembering that right?”
- Unfortunately, the actions during this cycle can delve into abusive behavior.
- Discarding Many narcissists seek out relationships because the attention and validation makes them feel good. When the relationship no longer serves them (which is usually a few months or years in), they will push you away and search for someone else.
- This stage may also come after you ask for empathy or compromise from a narcissistic partner. Since that would require effort, they’d rather break things off and find someone new.
- Typically, a narcissistic person will seek someone out to repeat this cycle with in a new relationship. However other times, they'll restart the process over with you, by initiating another round of the "idealization" phase.
- The average length of time for a narcissistic relationship is about 6 months to 1 year. After that, the narcissist might find it hard to keep up the facade.
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How Do You Manage a Relationship With a Narcissist?
Expert Q&A
- QuestionWhat should you do if you notice your partner is acting narcissistic?Lauren SandersLauren Sanders is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Dating for the Soul. With over four years of experience, she specializes in helping singles find love. Lauren is also the author of Lipstick Faith: A Collection of Inspirational Writings and Life Lessons, You Deserve the World, Rainbows and Strawberries: 100 Devotions for the Brighter Side of Life, and Let's Go Outside Mommy. Lauren holds BS from Dillard University and a Masters from The University of North Georgia.
Matchmaker & Dating CoachSuggest going to therapy if you'd like to try salvaging the relationship—just keep in mind that many narcissists dislike therapy, as it forces them to be accountable. You could also try to communicate with them about their behavior and the way it makes you feel. However, if they aren't willing to cooperate, the best thing to do is leave. Narcissists do not change and will continue to be difficult people to be in a relationship with. You may also benefit from going to therapy on your own (without them), because dealing with a narcissist can be very damaging internally. It's also important to find a good friend (or friends) to vent to because you'll definitely need someone validating to talk to who will help you realize that you aren't crazy. - QuestionHow does a narcissist behave around their partner?Lauren SandersLauren Sanders is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder of Dating for the Soul. With over four years of experience, she specializes in helping singles find love. Lauren is also the author of Lipstick Faith: A Collection of Inspirational Writings and Life Lessons, You Deserve the World, Rainbows and Strawberries: 100 Devotions for the Brighter Side of Life, and Let's Go Outside Mommy. Lauren holds BS from Dillard University and a Masters from The University of North Georgia.
Matchmaker & Dating CoachThey may regularly approach everyday situations with a sense of entitlement, as narcissists always must have the best of the best. They may also exploit their partner as a means to get what they desire. Additionally, a narcissist will show no empathy around their partner, as narcissists are very cold individuals who show little to no concern for the feelings of others.
Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about dating, check out our in-depth interview with Lauren Sanders.
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201705/narcissistic-love-patterns-the-romantic
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201705/narcissistic-love-patterns-the-romantic
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202301/checklist-for-ending-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202111/moving-and-moving-narcissist
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/ex-move-on-quickly
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202111/moving-and-moving-narcissist
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202111/moving-and-moving-narcissist
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