How to Make the First Move

If you've met someone you like, or even really like, you may be seeing stars and feeling the butterflies. You start to smile whenever you think about them, and start worrying about what you wear. You're starting to consider taking your relationship with this person to the next level, but of course you want it to go smoothly. The more intense your feelings are for someone, the more likely it is that you feel nervous and are worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. Making the first move can be difficult, but whether you are a guy or a girl, you can successfully make the leap.

Part 1

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Laying the Ground Work

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1
Pay attention to body language cues. It's the old but true cliché: actions always speak louder than words. Only 7% of our daily communication is verbal. 55% of our communication comes from body language.^{[1]XResearch source} Before initiating any kind of move, look for body language clues such as prolonged eye contact and positive facial expressions to help you work out whether you'll get a positive response.
- A woman may expose certain areas of her body like her neck or wrists, and may play with her hair.^{[2]XResearch source} She may touch you or lean against you, or maybe she will turn towards you with her arms open and uncrossed.^{[3]XResearch source}
- A man may exhibit more obvious and bold signals. These may include resting an arm on the back of your chair, engaging in strong eye contact, and sitting or leaning close to you.
2
Communicate with your body language. Be sure that you are sending the right signals as well as receiving them. Your body language can give the object of your desire hints that you are interested.
- Smiling can be a strong indicator that someone is interested. Make sure you also are smiling to communicate your interest to the other person.
- You may notice that you are 'mirroring', which is the subconscious copying of the actions of the other person's body positions. When someone smiles at you, you tend to smile back. Flirting is a way of mirroring each other's actions. Try to see if you're on the same wavelength by doing an action. If the other person mirrors you, great. If she doesn’t, go back to mirroring her to create a bond.^{[4]XResearch source}
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While there are physical ways to flirt, talking and chatting can also be a great way to get to know someone and possibly take the relationship to the next level. Displaying good listening and communication skills indicates confidence, one of the most attractive qualities in a person. While men are more motivated by action, women tend to value meaningful words from their partners.^{[5]XResearch source} Regardless of gender, most individuals appreciate a good one on one chat. Some general tips for creating good conversation include:
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Ask interesting questions. When talking to your beloved, skip observations about the weather, or questions that can be answered with one word (and result in awkward silences). ^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- Open ended questions about current events, your personal backgrounds, common interests and hobbies, can steer the conversation in the right direction.
- Prompts like, "What books are you reading these days? Seen any great movies lately? What is your favorite part of the city/town/neighborhood you live in?" are good ways to keep the conversation going.
- Follow up questions like, "What was your favorite character in that book? What did you think of the end of that movie? Why do you like that part of the city so much?" illustrate you are paying attention to your partner's answers and reacting to him in an interested way.
While sweet talk and light banter can create some fun conversations, honesty also goes a long way. This doesn't mean you have to spill all the personal details of your private life in one conversation, but being direct and straightforward about what you look for in a partner, your outlook on life, etc, illustrates self assurance and self knowledge. It also allows your partner to understand where you're coming from, and feel comfortable sharing his point of view as well.^{[7]XResearch source}
Speaking positively helps you to keep a light tone, an interested posture, a bright facial expression. Negativity will make you seem guarded, and it could be a turn off. If you want to talk about negative things, spin it in a positive, humorous way. You want to share and be honest, but you always want to keep things at this early stage light and enjoyable.^{[8]XResearch source}
Plan a simple romantic date, ahead of time, in a private, intimate space. Maybe instead of the movies or dinner out, cook dinner at your apartment or invite your date up for a drink. The idea is to create a safe, comfortable atmosphere that still feels spontaneous and romantic.
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Keep it casual. If a romantic setting isn't the right move for you or the person you're interested in, try something more casual.
- Give the person your number. You can do this in a subtle way. Recommend your favorite movie or book, then say, "Let me give you my number so you can let me know what you think!"
- Send a casual message on social media. Comment on his picture on Instagram, send a Facebook message, or Tweet him. You can always use her updates to start a conversation, and then open an opportunity to ask her out casually.^{[9]XResearch source}

Part 2

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Making the Best First Move

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Making the first move doesn't have to be the obvious and potentially awkward question, "Will you go on a date with me?" If you both like pizza, suggest going to your favorite place on Friday. If the other person likes movies, tell her that you two should go see one soon. If the other person expresses interest, be sure to turn the interest into an actual plan. For example, instead of leaving it at “yeah, we should go to a movie sometime,” you should say “Casablanca is playing at the independent cinema at 7:00PM on Thursday; would you like to go see it?”
2
Follow up after you spend time together. If you went to dinner or a movie, send the person a text to let her know you enjoyed your time. This shows that you are still interested.
- Think about mentioning a specific thing that happened during the date, like a joke or a food you both ate. That can open up the lines of communication for both of you.^{[10]XResearch source}
3
Be bold and ask the person out. Sometimes the straightforward approach is the best one. If the signs from the other person point to mutual interest, then just go for it and ask her out.
- Don't be pushy or aggressive. You can be direct while still being casual. If you seem too pushy, you may scare the person away.
If you're still shy, you can ask him out to a group setting. This can be dinner, pub trivia night, a sporting event, or a party. It could give you both a chance to talk and hang out, but takes off some of the pressure.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
5
Ask for permission before you make a physical move. This doesn't necessarily have to be a verbal confirmation. Your partner will usually use physical cues to indicate that she is willing to go further. Every person's response will vary, but body language like touching your face and parts of your body tend to mean you are good to keep going. Pay attention to your partner's reactions, and adjust your actions accordingly.
- You should both be giving your consent to the first move in either a verbal or physical way. It doesn't matter what the other person said or did earlier; consent is always about that exact moment.^{[12]XResearch source}
- You should both be in a state that enables cohesive decision making: this means that you should both be sober, particularly if this is the first time you are becoming physical.
Just like asking someone out, it takes guts to go after a kiss from someone for the first time! Relax and be confident but not overly aggressive. Maintain eye contact, lean in and pause when your faces are close before you go any further to make sure your partner is also interested in a kiss. From kissing, slowly lead into something more physical.
7
Take it slow when making a physical first move. So, you've started kissing, but you want to take it a bit further. Go slow to ensure the other person is on the same page as you. Light touches and closer body contact will not only make your intentions clear, but can give you an idea of the other person's interest.
- Make sure to go slow enough to give the other person time to say no. You want to have a fun, consensual, and safe time with each other. This includes making the person feel comfortable. If the person isn't ready to take it as far as you are, then respect her wishes.
- Make sure you have protection. This one seems like a no brainer, but if you're preparing for a first move, always have condoms on hand (regardless of your gender, women should bring their own, too!). Part of having an enjoyable time together is ensuring you're both safe and comfortable, so always use protection.

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Can a girl make the first move on a guy?
Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
Definitely. Try starting with small moves and then work your way up from there. For example, you could sit close to the other person or touch them on the shoulder while talking. If that move gets a green light, that might mean that they are ready for you to make a move.
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If at any point your partner says stop or slow down, always stop or slow down. Remember, no means no.
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There is debate around whether a woman or a man should make the first move. While each gender communicates their interests in someone else differently, there is no consensus on which gender should make the first move. The tips above apply to all genders.
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Be sure that both of you are able to make competent decisions about consent; avoid drug or alcohol use before escalating to a physical relationship.\
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