How to Make a Military Marriage Work

Marriage is a serious commitment. So is joining the military. For those in the military, balancing their service with their marriage can be difficult. For their civilian spouses, adjusting to life on base or with a deployed spouse can be difficult as well. Both people always have to work together to make a military marriage work.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Maintaining Your Independence

1
Devote time to your own interests. Commitment to military service is a 24/7 job. The spouse who is not enlisted needs to spend time and energy on their own passions, too. This might mean joining a club, taking a class, or carving out time each day for a creative pursuit.
- If you have young children, try to arrange childcare to provide you with time to pursue your interests without having to mind the kids.
- Remember that your spouse fell in love with you for who you are. Don’t let your identity be subsumed by the fact that one of you is enlisted.
2
Maintain separate close friendships. It might seem that you never have enough time to be alone together. However, it’s still important to make time for other relationships. These relationships will support both of you when the enlisted member is deployed.
- If one of you wants to go out with friends for the evening, remember that that’s perfectly healthy. Try to avoid feeling jealous of those relationships.
- If you worry that your spouse is spending too much time with friends, find a way to talk about it without blaming or accusing them.
3
Develop relationships with other military families. Other military families know what you’re going through. They can relate. By developing relationships with other military spouses, you’ll build a community of support for when things are hard.
- If you have children, reach out to their parents’ friends. This is an especially good idea if you’re living on base.
- You may be able to find a local support group, or an online forum for military spouses.
4
Agree to disagree. Know that you and your spouse won’t always agree on everything. While there are certain compromises that must be made in a marriage, try to accept a certain amount of difference.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Particularly when a spouse is deployed, your daily lives are very different. It is only natural that personal differences would be amplified during this time.
- Trust each other to make decisions. Remember that just because one person is overseas doesn't mean they don't know what's going on at home.
5
Get a job or volunteer. Unfortunately, it can be more difficult for the non-enlisted spouse to find a job. If you have young children at home, it may be extra hard to juggle working and finding childcare. However, employment is an important way to maintain a sense of independence.^{[2]XResearch source}
- If you have a hard time finding a job or committing to something regularly, volunteer. There are many community organizations that are always in need of helping hands.
- Try to find a job that gets you out of the house, so that you feel a sense of independence.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Making Quality Time for Each Other

1
Unplug while you’re together. It may not be what you want to hear, but turn off the cell phone, TV, and laptop when you’re alone. There are many distractions and disruptions that are part of military life. Try to keep a certain amount of time available for simply being present with each other.
- Of course, it’s okay to watch a movie together or listen to music while you’re spending time together. Just make sure you also leave space for quiet and conversation.
- Just because a person's service is a 24/7 commitment, that doesn't have to mean they're focused on it all of the time. Phones, social media, and the news can be reminders of a person's military duty, which is why it's a good idea to turn them off sometimes.
2
Sit down for a home-cooked meal. You may cook it together, or the civilian spouse may do the cooking before the other person comes home. However you distribute the labor, make sure that you are both present and available to sit down and eat together.
- You may want to arrange childcare during dinner once in awhile so that you can have a meal without having to also take care of the children.
- Remember that when a spouse is deployed, eating together won't be an option. So savor the opportunities you have for this.
3
Perform sweet gestures for each other. Sweet gestures come in many forms. It may mean bringing home flowers or leaving a thoughtful note before going to work. When one spouse is deployed, a sweet gesture performed by either spouse can seem extra special. It shows that you're keeping each other in mind even though you're not together.
- You don’t need to perform these gestures every day. However, it’s nice to remember to be sweet on days other than birthdays and Valentine’s Day.
- Don’t keep score. It’s lovely when a sweet gesture is reciprocated. However, if you’re only making the gesture to get something in return, you need to look at what’s motivating that.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Keeping Communication Open

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Talk as regularly as possible. If your spouse is working long hours, it can be hard to stay awake late enough to have a good conversation when they get home. If they’re deployed overseas, their access to communication will be significantly limited. However, always do your best to stay in touch and check in with each other.
- If it’s very difficult to find the time to talk, try setting a regular schedule. For example, “We sit down to talk every Wednesday night.” This can be difficult or impossible if one spouse is deployed, but you can do your best.
2
Talk about your feelings. Even if you’re feeling hurt or angry, always use “I” statements. That means you talk about your feelings without putting blame or judgement on your partner.
- For example, you can say, “I felt upset when you didn’t call yesterday,” instead of, “You never call when you say you’re going to.”
- Another example is saying, “I felt angry that you chose to spend time with your friends instead of at home,” instead of “Your friends are more important to you than me.”
3
Discuss the difficult aspects of homecoming. We’re used to seeing photographs of ecstatic homecomings. It’s also the day the military spouses long for as soon as their loved one is deployed. However, there is often an adjustment period once the deployed spouse returns home. You'll need to talk about any surprises or discomforts that arise after the deployed spouse returns home.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Most likely, the civilian spouse has taken on a lot of responsibility in the enlisted spouse’s absence. They may have a hard time relinquishing control over household duties and decision-making.
- If the enlisted spouse has been in a combat situation, they could well be coming home with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In this case, they should see a mental health professional as soon as possible.
4
Accept limits on communication. For many military members, there are things that they are not allowed to tell even their spouses. We’re taught that there should never be secrets in a marriage. However, in a military marriage, you must accept some secrets.^{[4]XResearch source}
- The enlisted spouse might not be able to say where they’re going, or for how long, or what they’re doing there. They might never be allowed to disclose this information, even years later.
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Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Planning for the Future

1
Make sure important events are scheduled. If there is an important event coming up, the enlisted spouse must request the time off well in advance. Whether it’s a child’s birthday party or a graduation ceremony, the family is likely to be disappointed if efforts weren’t made to get that time off.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Even with advance planning, remember that things may shift. You may be relocated thousands of miles away with little notice. That’s something neither of you has control over.
2
Understand what commitment means to each other. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It’s important to remember that when things get difficult. Part of making a lifelong commitment is committing to working through things together, rather than giving up.
- Remind yourself and your spouse what value you saw in getting married. Talk to each other about the ideals you embraced as parts of your vows.
- Being in the military should never be an excuse for staying in an unhappy marriage. If things are continually not working, it may be time to consider separation.
3
Have plans for when the enlisted spouse is away. This can mean plans for how the civilian spouse will keep themselves busy, but it should also mean plans for how the household will run. For example, who will provide childcare? What are the deployed spouse’s expectations for while they’re away?
- Your plan should include financial matters, such as how things will be paid for, as well as emotional matters, such as how often you feel you need to talk.
- Be realistic. Putting too much pressure on the spouse who’s staying home can create an undue burden if the expectations aren’t realistic.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
Do military relationships last?
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Yes, but it requires a lot of effort. Military service is a very different type of life and culture, which is why returning to civilian life is known to be difficult for those who thrived in active service. The couple can adapt together by thinking of this as a journey into a new, foreign land with its own language and practices, and keeping an open and curious mind. You two should keep an ongoing conversation of the things you learn about serving and living on base. The partner can make friends with the other spouses and partners on the base. This approach will keep you two bonded rather than growing apart.
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Many military couples marry young. This has some benefits and some difficulties that come with it. Seek the advice and wisdom of older military couples who’ve stood the test of time.
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When both spouses are in the military life can be easier and harder. On the one hand, you can understand where each other are coming from. On the other hand, there will likely be more curve balls and restrictions thrown your way. Make the extra effort to communicate and spend quality time together whenever possible.
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