This article was co-authored by Mary Church, PhD. Dr. Mary Church is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii. With over a decade of clinical experience, she aims to integrate evolution, genetics, and neuroscience within the practice of psychotherapy. Dr. Church holds a BS in Psychology from Eckerd College and an MS and PhD in Experimental Psychology from The University of Memphis. She completed a Post-Doctorate in Clinical Psychology at The University of Hawaii at Manoa. In addition, Dr. Church is a member of the American Evaluation Association and Hawaii-Pacific Evaluation Association.
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Guilt is a feeling characterized by knowing or feeling that you have done something wrong.[1] Guilt can be a tool for emotional growth. If a girl is mean to you, making her feel guilty may help her learn from her mistakes. It is important to remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and you cannot force someone to feel guilt.
Steps
Decide if you care about her. If you were dating or if she was your friend, decide if you still want her in your life. Either way, you might still be able to make her feel guilty, but it's best to figure out whether you still want her or not.- Decide what she did wrong. Admit to any part you may have had in the conflict and focus on the specifics of what she did to offend you. Is she mean to everyone or is she only mean to you?
Get away from her. Give yourself time to recover from the way she treated you. Stop talking to her. Avoid her at school, work, or wherever you normally see her. If you happen to run into her, walk past her and pretend she isn't even there.[2]Advertisement
Reflect and determine where you are hurt. Focus on healing yourself without relying on time to do it for you.- Surround yourself with friends that support you. Talk to your friends about how she hurt you. Give yourself a support group so you don't have to face her alone before you are ready.[3]
Make a plan. Before you confront her, make sure you have a clear idea of what you are going to say. If your thoughts toward her are very chaotic, take time to write down the specific things that are hurting you.
Be assertive and confront her directly. Keep a cool head and a level tone. Avoid turning the conversation into a fight where she might get defensive and retaliate.- Avoid victimizing or feeling sorry for yourself. The goal is to gain her understanding, not her pity.
- Keep an open posture. Stand straight with your arms at your sides. Don't cross your arms over your chest as this is commonly interpreted as a defensive stance.[4]
Choose your words carefully. Focus on "I" statements to describe the situation. Look at her directly and say things like:- "I think you need to know how hurtful it is when you do "X." I feel hurt because "Y," and I'd like you to stop doing it."
- The situation isn't just about what she has done. It is about how you have become involved. Be prepared to forgive her and reconcile.
Avoid generalizations. Our minds have a tendency to blow things out of proportion when we feel upset. Before starting sentences with "You always" or "You never," ask yourself whether or not this is actually true. Address the specific instances that made you upset.[5]- Offer accurate examples. Avoid statements like "I hate how you lie all the time." Frame your statement like "I felt upset when you lied to me about being too busy to talk yesterday. You lied about that last week too."
Emphasize your hurt feelings. Open up about how much her actions hurt you and try to let her feel your emotions. Take care not to let yourself get angry or aggressive.- Speak slowly and deliberately.
- If you find yourself starting to cry, take a moment to gather yourself. If you break down completely and find it impossible to talk, you may need to take more time to compose yourself before continuing.
Try to get her to step into your shoes. You may be able to reach to her conscience by asking her to see the situation from your position.- Ask her how she might have felt if your positions were reversed. Be compassionate when attempting to guide her into seeing the situation from your perspective.
Be prepared for her response. She may cry. Girls are often more sensitive than men and confronting her directly might cause her to break down or get aggressive.- She may become so emotionally unstable that you are unable to continue the conversation. She may flee the conflict. If this happens, keep an open mind and give her a chance to reflect on what was said.
Take responsibility for your part. It takes two people to fight. She may accuse you of things you have done to hurt her. Apologize for your mistakes and give her an opportunity to do the same. Try to explain what happened and give some perspective into what led you into this situation. Although this is hard, it is really important for any relationship.[6] Say things like:- "You're right, I made a mistake too. I should have done things differently."
- "I think I could have handled the situation better also, I'm sorry that I hurt you."
Be optimistic. No matter the outcome, you confronted her and apologized for your own wrongdoings. This experience will help you both grow, even if you cannot reconcile. She may need more time to understand her mistake and you won't be able to force her.
Forgive her. Even if she is unable to apologize, you can still forgive her. Forgiving doesn't mean you are excusing what she did to you. First and foremost, forgiveness is about you.- Forgiving her might not come instantly. Depending on how badly she hurt you, you might need time to truly forgive her.
- Let go of negative feelings. Holding a grudge may cause you emotional stress. Realize that everyone makes mistakes and move on.
Gary Chapman, Relationship Counselor & Bestselling AuthorWe must be willing to forgive, and not just once, but over and over again. In human relationships, forgiveness is not a one-time event; it is a process. Even when we forgive, the memories linger. You may find it difficult to forgive because you are not sure whether the other person will change. Forgiveness does not require that you trust the person who has wronged you. But it does require that you are willing to cancel the debt, to not hold the wrong against them. You are setting them free from their moral indebtedness to you.
Help her make amends and reconcile. If she is receptive to your feelings and offers an apology, accept it. Express to her how good her apology made you feel and how you respect her for taking responsibility for her actions. Encourage her to reach out to others she may have hurt.
Expert Q&A
Tips.
- Be firm when you have to. Some people in general need to be dealt with via a firm hand.Thanks
- Apply consequences by not being a pushover; give them time to earn your forgiveness.Thanks
Warnings.
- Some people will take advantage of this situation, and will even take advantage of your forgiveness if you do not make yourself understood.Thanks
- Do not try to make someone feel guilty for not returning your feelings. You can't force someone to love you.Thanks
References
- ↑ http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guilt
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/28/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one/
- ↑ http://www.oprah.com/spirit/What-to-Do-When-Youve-Been-Betrayed-Deepak-Chopra
- ↑ http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/open_body.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201308/what-makes-us-feel-guilty
- ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
About This Article
To make a girl feel guilty, confront her with how her actions make you feel in a calm way so that your conversation doesn’t escalate into a fight. For example, instead of criticizing her personally, say something like “I think you need to know how hurtful it is when you ignore me.” Make sure your statements relate to concrete examples and avoid generalizations like “You never” or “You always,” which are common mistakes when you’re feeling upset. Open up to her by explaining your hurt feelings in detail so that she can understand your emotions. If she doesn't respond, ask her how she would feel if your roles were reversed. For tips on how to deal with her response and move forward, read on!
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