How to Maintain Boundaries with Family Living Nearby

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1Keeping Balanced Relationships

2Establishing Clear Boundaries

3Dealing with Pushy Family Members

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Maintaining boundaries with your extended family can be challenging, especially when they live nearby. While you likely want to take advantage of your proximity, don't feel as though you are obligated to plan your life around your relatives. In fact, there are steps you can take, when necessary, to establish specific boundaries based on your personal needs. There are even measures you can take to help you interact positively with particularly pushy relatives.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Keeping Balanced Relationships

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   Don’t feel obligated to attend every family event. The best part about living close to family is that you’re able to be a part of each other’s lives. This includes attending meaningful events, such as birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, and soccer tournaments. That said, it’s important to realize that you are not obligated to attend all of the events your family members invite you to.

   • You don’t need a specific excuse either. It’s totally fine to say something like, “I’m gonna head home and catch up on some rest tonight, but I’m looking forward to catching Jimmy’s match next week.”
   • Understand that you might receive some backlash or a guilt trip when you decline. Make your needs clear in a respectful manner and, if pressed, remind them that you don't need to justify yourself.
   • Many people experience feelings of guilt when they consider turning down family events. Consider writing down your values (such as "self-care" or "maintaining balance in my life") and referring to this list when you begin to feel guilty. Family, certainly, is one of your values, but reminding yourself of your other values may help.
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   Help out when you’re able to do so. Another benefit of living near people you love and trust is the assistance that you can offer one another. Even little things, like stopping by a relative’s after a snowstorm to help them clear the driveway, can go a long way. At the same time, you are not obligated to do everything a family member asks of you.

   • In fact, it’s worth remembering that helping someone too much can prevent them from taking care of themselves to their full ability.
   • Whatever your reason, of course, feel free to say something like, “I really can’t swing by right now. If you’re still having trouble with your router this weekend, I can maybe come check it out on Saturday?”
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   Tell older family members when they are being too controlling. Sometimes, your parents (or your in-laws) may believe they know better than you about something. While people often continue to learn from their parents throughout their lives, there is also a point at which you are fully capable of making decisions on your own, especially regarding social boundaries.

   • In short, don’t hesitate to reassure older relatives by saying something like, “I really do appreciate your desire to be involved in my life, but I’ve made up my mind. It feels like you’re trying to control my life, and I do not need you to do so.”
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Establishing Clear Boundaries

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   Communicate what you are feeling. Ultimately, the boundaries that will work for you must be determined based on your personal feelings. Stated otherwise: the better you can communicate how you feel, the more success you will have setting and maintaining boundaries.

   • Consider examples of times that your emotional or mental limits have been pushed by family member's statements or behavior. These are areas in which you might want to articulate more specific boundaries.
   • When something that you are not comfortable occurs, voice your concern by saying something like, “I feel stressed when you stop by unannounced. Please respect our privacy by giving us a call before you come by.”
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   Articulate specific boundaries. Most of the time, people who know one another are able to tell how they ought to behave in each others company. However, sometimes specific boundaries and needs to be discussed clearly and directly.

   • For instance, maybe you enjoy seeing a particular family member as often as possible, but they often overstay their welcome.
   • In such a scenario, state a specific boundary as a clear request.
   • Say something like, “Jared, it’s great that we’re able to hang out a few times a week, and at the same time it’s important that I’m able to get to bed by eleven every night. I still want you to come over and spend time with us as long as we can say our goodbyes a bit earlier in the evening.”
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   Insist that your wishes are respected. Some family members may resist boundaries, perhaps even without realizing it. For example, you may ask a family member to respect a certain boundary. They comply most of the time, but still violate the boundary you requested from time to time. In these cases, it’s important to reiterate your request.

   • Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty or doubt the validity of the boundary you want to see maintained. Repeat your request whenever necessary.
   • Sticking to the boundaries you request will keep you from feeling like you’re being taken advantage of or not begin listened to, and will help your relationships with the relevant family members positive.
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   Establish boundaries one step at a time. Establishing boundaries and maintaining them is a process. Especially in scenarios where there are a lot of things you want to see changed, it’s important to realize that other people’s behavior won’t change overnight.

   • If you feel uncomfortable about requesting a certain boundary you’d like to see established, make a different, less stressful request first. This can help the other person realize that they need to be aware of your feelings and desires.
   • For instance, start by asking your cousin to stop parking in your driveway every time they come over, as they keep blocking the sidewalk and upsetting your neighbors.
   • Requests like this, with specific, simple reasons, are a great way to practice establishing boundaries.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with Pushy Family Members

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   Be firm and respectful. If someone continues to violate the boundaries that you have asked them to respect, it’s important to stand up for yourself. Of course, it’s important to remain respectful, in the interest of keeping the peace as much as possible.

   • For instance, feel free to say things like, “I’m always happy to see you David, but we need some time to ourselves tonight. I’ll let you know the next time we’re having guests over.”
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   Remove yourself from an escalating disagreement. Sometimes, establishing and trying to maintain boundaries can lead to conflict between your values and those of one of your family members. Further, you may both become invested in arguing about your perspective, in part because you want an issue to be resolved. However, sometimes it is simply best to walk away and let tempers cool down.

   • This is especially important when a family member is hard to talk to about things like healthy boundaries. It may take several conversations to get through to them.
   • Remind yourself that other people’s anger is not a reason to compromise on your values. You may even want to say something like, “I understand that you’re upset, but I’ve been very clear about how I feel about this and I’m not going to change my mind simply because you’re angry. Let’s talk about it again when we’re all a bit more calm.
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   Reduce the amount of time you spend together. If a boundary that you are serious about maintaining continues to be violated, you may need to spend less time around the violating party for a while.

   • For instance, if you’ve spoken to someone about drinking less around your kids but they continue to over-serve themselves, you may need to ask them not to visit your home, and/or avoid visiting theirs.
   • Though this may feel cruel, it’s more than fair to give someone the time and space to decide whether they are willing to adjust their behavior to respect a fair boundary that you request.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How do I stop my family from showing up to my house uninvited?

  

  Amber Rosenberg, PCC
  Pacific Life Coach

  Amber Rosenberg is a Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Executive Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. As the owner of Pacific Life Coach, she has 20+ years of coaching experience and a background in corporations, tech companies, and nonprofits. Amber trained with the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

  

  Amber Rosenberg, PCC

  Pacific Life Coach

  Expert Answer

  When you're setting boundaries, be firm, gracious, and direct. Try saying something like, "We appreciate seeing you, and at at the same time (instead of saying 'but'), we ask that you respect our privacy and call us first." If they object, repeat your request.

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