How to Love Your Autistic Child

When your child receives an autism diagnosis, you may be shocked, confused, scared, and unsure of how to help them; there's a lot of stigma surrounding autism, and it's often quoted as a "life-ruiner" for parents who don't understand it. However, autism is not a "life-ruiner"; it's more of a game-changer than anything. Autistic children, like any other type of child, are capable of loving you. Regardless of whether their love for you is visible, you'll need to give them the same love and support that you would give to a non-autistic child in order to have a happy family.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Handling Yourself

1
Learn about autism. It's helpful to understand why your child is different. Research as much as you are able, so that you have a better understanding of the differences in your child's mind.
- Be careful about your sources. Groups like Autism Speaks may use fearmongering and talk about how having an autistic child will ruin your life. This is false.^{[1]XResearch source} Overly negative sources will scare you, not help you.
- The Autistic Women and Nonbinary Network and Autism Acceptance Month websites have resources for parents.
2
Read blogs dedicated to loving autistic children. Reading stories of other loving families can be helpful, and remind you to keep a positive attitude. Some online communities also let you ask for support, which can be very helpful.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Respectfully Connected
- Ollibean
- Emma's Hope Book
- Love Explosions
- We Are Like Your Child
- Parenting Autistic Children with Love and Acceptance (may be overwhelming to people new to autism)
3
Take breaks. Parenting is exhausting work, full stop. Ask around about babysitters, in your family or elsewhere. (Grandma might be overjoyed to spend more time with her grandchildren.) You can also look into respite services, which are offered to parents of disabled children. This can give you time to recharge.
4
Step away from social media if needed. If you're getting overwhelmed, take a break from the internet. It's okay to leave posts unread, and to be silent online for a while. You can come back once you have more energy.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Don't let pressure to maintain an active disability blog stop you from taking good care of your child or yourself. Some parents get sucked into this world and end up overwhelming themselves or making choices that aren't in their kids' best interests.
5
Value your sleep. A well-rested parent is going to be much happier and more effective than an exhausted zombie. Use white noise, keep screens out of bed, keep a consistent bedtime schedule, and don't fear sleep medication if needed (for yourself or your child).^{[4]XResearch source}^{[5]XResearch source}
- If your child sleeps poorly, try reducing light and noise in the house around bedtime, and get them evaluated for other conditions that could affect their sleep (such as epilepsy).^{[6]XResearch source}^{[7]XResearch source} Melatonin supplements may also help.
6
Get a support network. Lean on family members, relatives, friends, and others who can help you handle the hard times. Parenting doesn't have to be a solo operation.
- Get familiar with the hashtag #AskAnAutistic. Post a question about your child there, and autistic teens and adults who had/have the same problem can tell you what worked for them.
- Respect your child's privacy. No one wants information about their bad days or toileting habits online. If you have a pretty personal parenting question, post anonymously or under a fake name, to protect your family's privacy.^{[8]XResearch source}
7
Let yourself experience difficult emotions. It's okay to be frustrated, confused, worried, or sad. Having fears is normal.^{[9]XResearch source} Take some quiet time to work through things in private, or with adults. Write in a journal, play sports, listen to music, or do whatever helps you cope.
- Vent your frustrations only when you are certain that your child is out of earshot. You don't want to discover that they heard every word, and are now convinced that "Daddy hates me."
- Consider therapy for yourself if you are having a very hard time.
8
Ask yourself what you need right now. What would help you cope better? What can you do to get it?^{[10]XResearch source} Self care is important.
- A warm shower
- A few hours to yourself
- A hug
- Coffee
9
Quit trying to be a perfect parent. Putting in 110% effort into training your child every day isn't good for your health (or your child's). Let your family be imperfect. Let yourself take a rest.
- If you're constantly battling to get your child to do more, you're doing it wrong. Ease up. Let yourself and your child relax for once. It'll be okay.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Handling Your Child

1
Remember that your child is doing their best. If they could do better, they would.^{[11]XResearch source} Your child is disabled, and that means that they will have extra difficulties, which can be draining and frustrating to them. They are doing their best, just like you are.
- There are reasons for your child's behavior, even if it seems like misbehavior. Your child isn't trying to "act out" or cause trouble. Your child experiences the world differently than you do, and how they react to it will be different than how you react to it.
2
Let your child be unique. They don't need to move, play, speak, eat, or interact the same way that non-autistic children do. If you expect them to do that, you're going to stress out yourself and your child.^{[12]XResearch source} Take off the pressure, and let them be different.
- Some people may act like it's bad that your child is different, and that can be hurtful.^{[13]XResearch source} Remember that they're wrong.
- Some parents like to play the victim, but this is bad for their children.^{[14]XResearch source}
3
Throw out the developmental calendars. Your autistic child will develop at their own pace. You don't need to feel bad for your child being behind—it doesn't mean that you're failing at being a parent, or that they're failing childhood. It means they're autistic.
- Your child may develop some skills early. This is great! Praise them, and encourage them to use these skills too.
4
Avoid the allure of "quick fixes." You don't want to get sucked into scams that could leech away your money and potentially hurt your child. There is no way to magically change the child you have.^{[15]XResearch source}
5
Focus on the child you have now. Dispel "what-ifs" about the non-autistic child you could have had, and stop focusing so much on what your child may be like someday.^{[16]XResearch source} You have a child here with you right now. They love you, and want to know that you love them too, and that you're proud of them.
- Work on realistic goals, such as "Get Kaelyn to use AAC more" or "Teach her to say yes and no." Focus on where your child is now, and what they can do next. Save goals like "Consider Kaelyn's job prospects" for when your child is old enough.
- Mourning a non-existent child can be hard on the disabled child you already have.^{[17]XResearch source}
6
Meet some autistic adults with your child. This can help you and your child envision what life will be like when you're older, and autistic adults can offer tips about what did and didn't help when they were younger.
- This is especially important if you are worried about your child's future. It's helpful to see autistic adults doing well, so you know that your child can have the same.
- It's also helpful for your child to see other people who are like them.
7
Quit compliance therapies. Compliance-based therapies, especially ones focused on making children look or act "normal," can do a lot of damage,^{[18]XResearch source}^{[19]XResearch source}^{[20]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}^{[21]XResearch source}^{[22]XResearch source} and make a nonviolent child start lashing out.^{[23]XResearch source} Let your child fidget, avoid eye contact, and stay comfortable. You might find a big improvement in mood.
- Teaching an autistic child to "mask" their autism increases mental health risks.^{[24]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}^{[25]XResearch source} It's healthy for your child to listen to their instincts and express unhappiness when they feel unhappy.
8
Problem-solve with your child.^{[26]XResearch source} If your child can speak or use AAC, then you can have a conversation with them about what is going on. Talk to them, ask them what they think the problem is, and how they think both of you could fix it together. Sometimes they may have helpful insights.
9
Shield your child from anti-autism voices. Turn off the TV if you notice a fearmongering ad comparing autism to deadly diseases. Stay away from Autism Speaks events. Keep your child away from people who say that autistic children are burdens that should be made normal or shouldn't exist. This type of rhetoric is toxic both to you and your child.
10
Challenge your expectations. Your child doesn't need to spend their childhood trying to blend in with everyone else. It's okay if they have quirky movements, use AAC instead of speech, or like to chew on chew toys. There's no need to try to change your child's every movement, and both of you will end up frustrated and exhausted.
- In general, if a quirk isn't hurting anyone, let it be. If it is causing harm (e.g. self-injuring, disrupting a class, destroying things), then you can work on it.
- Your kid may not enjoy all the things that other kids do. Don't push them if a situation upsets them.^{[27]XResearch source} Having a good time is more important than doing what the other families are doing.
11
Encourage your child's self-esteem. Even if it doesn't look like it, your child can hear what they are saying (unless they are literally deaf). Be mindful of your words while they are in earshot. Remember to discuss their positive traits as well as their weaknesses, celebrate their victories (even if they don't happen according to the developmental timeline), and show them that you're proud of them.
- Accepting autism can help them accept themselves.^{[28]XResearch source} Help your child feel like you love every part of them, even on the bad days.
- If they fall into the trap of self-hate, be supportive to them, and consider counseling.
12
Let your child play. Childhood should have time for fun, so don't give in to the pressure to make your child work hard for long hours every day. Your child needs plenty of down time,^{[29]XResearch source} and it's no fun to live with a child who is exhausted from 20+ hours of grueling therapy per week. Let them have self-directed play each day, even if their play looks odd to you.
- Autistic children need lots of downtime to avoid toxic buildups of stress.^{[30]XResearch source} It's okay to let them line up toys or pace in a corner.^{[31]XResearch source} Let them enjoy themselves without someone telling them what to do.
13
Spend quality time with your child. Set aside time that isn't therapy time: just time to explore, hang out, or chat. Not every interaction needs to have an agenda. Have some fun together.
- See if your child likes a form of exercise, like walking, swimming, or playing catch. You can do these together.^{[32]XResearch source}
14
Celebrate your child's strengths and abilities. It's no fun to focus only on weaknesses. Praise what your child does well, and encourage them to work on the things they like and are good at.
- Your child's special interests are a good place to start.^{[33]XResearch source} Encourage them to learn about their favorite subjects, and work at skills involved (reading, bug catching, playing music, et cetera).
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Warnings

If you are having thoughts about harming your child, call Child Protective Services. It is wrong to hurt or kill your autistic child.
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