What Is Living Apart Together?

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The pros and cons of living apart from your partner

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• Living Apart Together Meaning
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• Why live apart together?
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• Disadvantages
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• How to Live Apart Together
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• Expert Interview
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• Expert Q&A

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Moving in together isn’t always the best option for every couple, even married couples. Living alone together (LAT), or when committed romantic partners choose to live in separate homes, is an increasingly popular arrangement that resists many traditional concepts of what a family unit should be, and makes many couples happier in the process. We’ll tell you more about what LAT is, who does it and why, and the challenges they may face. We’ll also offer valuable advice on how to make an LAT relationship work for you, if you’re considering the change.

Things You Should Know

• Living apart together refers to committed, romantic relationships in which the spouses or partners live in separate homes.
• Spouses commonly choose to live apart together in order to keep their individual jobs that may be located far apart, or as an extra step before moving in together.
• Many choose to live apart together to preserve their personal or financial independence, or because their personal lifestyle may clash with their spouse’s.

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Section 1 of 4:

Living Apart Together Meaning

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   Living apart together (LAT) is when a couple lives in different locations. These couples identify as a single family unit, but live separately from each other under different roofs. There are about as many reasons to live apart together as there are couples who do it, but many choose the lifestyle for financial or career reasons, or find that it suits their emotional needs better than sharing a home.

   • Recent studies suggest that over 3.9 million Americans over the age of 18 identify as living apart from their spouses.
   • The lifestyle may be fairly unconventional in many cultures, but it’s becoming more and more accepted. A recent study found that 54% of respondents agreed that LAT relationships can be strong and healthy.
   • LAT primarily refers to married couples who live apart, though many committed, unmarried couples identify as LAT.
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Section 2 of 4:

Why do people live apart together?

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   They have jobs in different locations. Sometimes, both partners hold jobs that are too far to commute to from a single location. Rather than opt for the long commute or sacrifice the job in order to live together, the couple chooses to live apart, closer to their respective workplaces. This enables both partners to comfortably keep their jobs and pursue their individual careers while meeting at either home for quality time.

   • Having 2 sources of income also helps the couple to expand their savings, investments, and overall security.
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   They want another stage before moving in together. Many couples get married, but don’t feel that they’re ready to take the big step of moving in together just yet.They may not be ready to give up solo living, or they may want to move in gradually, rather than all at once. For them, LAT is a comfortable in-between, when they can come closer as spouses while taking things slowly, eventually cohabitating when they feel they’re ready.

   • This is the situation of many unmarried couples who LAT, as well. They may be committed and see themselves as a singular family unit, but are waiting to move in until after marriage.
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   They want to maintain their private space. For some couples, living together would mean giving up valuable and necessary personal space. They may be acclimated and comfortable to a solo living lifestyle, and want to preserve that lifestyle while still taking part in a romantic relationship. They spend quality time together, like any other couple, but have a space to be alone when they choose to be.

   • These couples often value their own personal routines—what food they eat, how they decorate their homes, or even their more private social lives—and choose to keep these things separate.
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   Living apart may be easier for those with existing families. Many single parents with prior marriages feel that LAT is an ideal situation for their children. When LAT, they can introduce their children to their new spouse gradually, while keeping a clear boundary that makes their children feel secure and comfortable. If both spouses have children, they may feel that LAT lets them prioritize their children from the previous marriage while still engaging with their stepchildren.

   • This may also be true of married children of elderly parents, or those in similar caretaking situations. LAT lets them live with and care for their family full time without burdening their spouse, or while giving their live-in relatives more privacy.
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   Living apart may be economically advantageous. This is true of many newlyweds who LAT. Often, it makes more financial sense to continue living with their respective parents or family. Moving in together may present some significant financial hurdles—buying or renting a home, furnishing it, taking on bills, etc.—and living apart in their existing homes allows them to save money and possibly move in together later.
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   They have clashing lifestyles. Sometimes, spouses very much enjoy the time they do spend together, but find it difficult to cohabitate otherwise. They may have different religious beliefs, political views, or simply paces of living. For example, one spouse might be incredibly social and enjoy hosting, while the other may be introverted and prefer quiet. In this case, they may choose to live apart so that both are comfortable.

   • Many LAT couples in this situation feel that, though they love their spouse, to change their lifestyle for their sake would be inauthentic or ultimately make them unhappy. It’s not that they won’t compromise—LAT is the compromise.
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   They feel that distance strengthens their relationship. Some LAT couples simply feel that they appreciate their spouse more when spending time with them is a significant (or at least more occasional) event, rather than a constant activity. They feel that “meeting up” with their spouse gives them something to look forward to, as well as things to talk about when they discuss what they’ve done since their last meeting.

   • Some also point to gender equality as a reason for LAT, saying that when both spouses perform their own housework, it levels the playing field and power dynamics within the relationship and promotes mutual respect.
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Section 3 of 4:

Challenges of Living Apart Together

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   Jealousy may become an issue. Living apart together takes a certain level of trust and confidence in your partner to respect the relationship while you’re apart. In some LAT circumstances, jealousy, envy or suspicion may cause a rift between partners. If one partner suspects the other of infidelity or other romantic taboos (like talking negatively about their partner), it may be difficult to repair the relationship while the partners physically live apart.

   • On the flipside, LAT may be ideal for partners with previous experiences with relationship jealousy. LAT may enable them to form tangible boundaries with their partner and avoid a codependent or controlling relationship.
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   Couples that live apart may grow apart emotionally. Living physically separate from your spouse may make having deeper emotional connections difficult. If an LAT lacks adequate communication, quality time, and commitment, partners may let their bond with their spouse deteriorate, or start to look elsewhere to fulfill their emotional needs, like to close friends, family, or even other romantic interests.
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   Living apart can make it difficult to make time to see each other. Depending on the physical distance between partners’ homes, actually meeting up can sometimes be a chore. Commuting regularly isn’t always feasible, or even reliable, especially when using public transportation. Then, it can sometimes be tricky to fit in some quality alone time if both partners already lead busy or fast-paced lives.

   • There may also be a tricky balance to strike about where spouses meet. Some may favor one home, others may choose to meet in the middle, while still others may insist on an equal split between both homes, alternating visits.
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   Living apart can drain your finances or alter your financial benefits. Some married couples have benefits or insurance through their work that may not cover a live-in spouse, especially if the policy holder still has a prior spouse on the policy. LAT may enable both spouses to keep their own benefits and insurance. Also, the cost of maintaining and commuting between 2 homes may become burdensome over time, and often requires both spouses to earn an income.
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   Children may provide logistical and emotional complications. LAT may be ideal for some with children from prior marriages, but it can also present some hurdles. If an LAT couple decides they want children together, they’ll need to discuss living arrangements for the children—which home will the children stay in? For how long?

   • Divided households may also be difficult for the children themselves to navigate. Two homes may mean two sets of rules to abide by, which can be confusing.
   • Or, children may come to prefer one household over the other, which can create rifts in the familial relationships.
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Live Apart Together

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   Make your reasons and goals for LAT clear. Choosing to live alone together isn’t a decision to make lightly, and its outcomes largely depend on what you, as a couple, want to get out of it. Before you make the decision, sit down with your spouse and discuss what both of you want out of an LAT relationship. Having these clear and concrete goals and wishes will help both of you stay focused on and committed to your LAT arrangement.

   • For example, clarifying that you want to LAT in order to preserve your jobs helps to build confidence and motivation if an LAT may prove emotionally difficult.
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   Discuss your finances and how they impact your living situation. Living apart together may present some unexpected financial hurdles. For example, you and your spouse may have healthcare or other benefits that are dependent on your living situation. Before you LAT, sit down and review the terms of your health, home, car, and other insurance policies to make sure they’re still valid under an LAT arrangement.

   • Also discuss how your income will be used. Will either partner pay for their own home? Will one partner cover housing while the other covers other expenses like commuting, groceries, and other regular costs?
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   Make a timeline for how long you’ll live apart. For many, LAT is a temporary arrangement, or another step before they move in with their spouse. If this is your situation, determine a future date when you plan to move in together, which helps you both manage your expectations, as well as the separation itself. It may be easier to live separately if you have a clear timeline for the arrangement.

   • If you don’t plan to ever move in together, or don’t have a clear idea of when you might, make a commitment to reassess the situation at a certain date, like every 3-4 months. You may find that over time, you or your spouse want to try other lifestyles.
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   Make a schedule for when you’ll see each other. Making and LAT work is a lot like making a long-distance relationship work. For one, you and your spouse must plan when, where, and how often to meet, whether that’s a few times a week, or just once a month. Knowing when you’ll see each other next and keeping a consistent schedule helps you to keep your relationship strong, and gives you specific dates and quality time to look forward to.

   • You might also leave the door open for more spontaneous or unexpected visits, which can help to make both partners feel comfortable and at-home in either location, and keeps the relationship lively.
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   Use digital communication to your advantage. LAT relationships benefit from the tools of the digital age. While you’re apart from your spouse, take advantage of things like video calling to help you spend quality time together even when you’re physically separated. You might also get comfortable with texting more frequently to keep in touch with each other throughout the day or week and to make it easier to handle the physical separation.

   • Try video calling while simultaneously streaming a movie or TV show as a fun way to enjoy each other’s company from afar. Or, just have the video call open while you do chores or hobbies to keep your partner near in a more passive way.
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   Respect each other’s physical and emotional boundaries. Many decide to LAT in order preserve their own independence or because it’s the most comfortable romantic arrangement for them. In this case, proper boundaries are vital in keeping both partners content and the relationship healthy. set boundaries with your partner and make it clear what sort of behavior is and isn’t acceptable, and be sure to respect your partner’s own boundaries and expectations.

   • For example, you may decide that you need a heads-up before your partner drops by to visit, or that you want a certain number of days each week to be alone without any contact. These are especially helpful boundaries if you’re in an LAT relationship to protect your privacy and independence.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How can we maintain a healthy relationship?

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist

  Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

  Clinical Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  Sustaining a thriving relationship hinges on the strength of the connection. Ensure that you not only prioritize regular communication but also make an effort to be physically present whenever possible. The significance of a physical connection cannot be overstated, as the absence of an in-person presence is often a stumbling block for many relationships. Additionally, make a deliberate effort to plan shared experiences and outings. During these times, steer clear of smartphones and other electronic devices; instead, focus on genuine interaction. While music can enhance the atmosphere, mindlessly scrolling through the latest trends detracts from the relationship. Consider arranging special meals together, and once again, minimize the use of gadgets. When you are physically together, make intentional plans to dedicate quality time to each other.

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