How to Live with Your Family if You Discover That You Might Be Gay

If you discover that you might be attracted to the same gender, or are otherwise not straight, you may or may not want to tell anyone and that is completely okay; your feelings are your feelings. This article will help you come out to your family if you are ready and safe.

Steps

1
Evaluate your safety. Unfortunately, not everyone grows up with a loving and accepting family, but many do. If your family's love is unconditional, only upon you being heterosexual, then it's better to wait until you are independent to decide whether to come out. You do not owe your family personal information about yourself, and you do not have to tell them that you're gay or questioning if you don't feel comfortable doing so.
- Ask yourself: Is there any risk of them becoming verbally or physically aggressive if they find out you're gay? Could they kick me out of the house, or deny me of college/school funds? If you bring up LGBTQ related topics, do they respond well, or do they react poorly?
Many parents are very territorial about their home, and in their home, many will not hesitate to make the rules. With some parents, being LGBTQ is considered a ‘sin’. Other parents might be miseducated about LGBTQ individuals. Even if the miseducation is properly reframed by the child, additional requests for acceptance are frequently perceived by some parents as a personal affront to their core values and beliefs; making it disrespectful to them personally in their role as the parent when anyone challenges their authority in their own home.
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Disagreements between parents and children about any subject can boil down to only the authority of the classic parent-child role. Some parents assume that as they have unquestionable knowledge, authority, and credibility on any subject, but not all of them are like this. You would know your parents more than anyone; talk to them openly and if all goes pear-shaped, it's not the end.
Is there anyone, perhaps outside your family, who has expressed acceptance of LGBTQ folks? You may be able to confide in them about your sexuality and your fears about your family's lack of acceptance and receive support from them.^{[1]XResearch source}
5
Know what to say if your parents do find out about your sexuality. Avoid arguing facts, because prejudiced people are typically not interested in facts. You might choose to say "This is what makes me happy,” “This isn’t a choice,” or "This is important to me and I hope you'll support me."
- If they treat you badly, consider saying something like "If we can’t have a productive conversation, I’ll be going." End the conversation and go into your room or another family members home.
6
Protect yourself. Being LGBTQ in a family that is anti-LGBTQ is not fair for the child, especially for those who are minors. The safest option of all is to be very careful telling anyone in the first place until you have the skills necessary to be able to support yourself and make for your own independence. Protect your privacy, your online privacy, any trace anywhere that can let anyone find out.
- It is possible to contact or call a helpline, many of which you can find online.
- The National Suicide Hotline is 800-273-8255, and the Trevor Project Hotline is 1-866-488-7386.
7
Avoid fighting. Heated arguments will only backfire. There is no magic phrase that will win their acceptance except silence. You can either be smart and protect yourself, or be "right", hopeful and idealistic and face horrible abuse and consequences. Be good to yourself. Reach out to people who you know will protect you.
- While it may be safer to pretend to agree with your parents, don't let them put you into conversion therapy. This could be traumatizing and could leave you with serious disorders like depression or PTSD. Get an adult for help if your parents are trying to put you into an abusive situation.
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Tips

Parents who have negative opinions about gay people are unlikely to think, care or want to discuss facts, research, studies, theories, or anything intellectual, legal, or psychological. Parents have other concerns about your well-being, that your sexuality might now be of their major concern at the time.
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Many people on the internet are gay (like so gay you don't even know) and are willing to talk about it and help you. However, be careful, as warnings from adults like "They might be creepy" are not unfounded.
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If your parents will not listen to facts proving that being LGBTQ+ is natural and not gross/disgusting, you could try giving them the suicide facts for LGBTQ+ youth. Try not to threaten suicide, but show them that if they do not accept you, it is a risk to your life.
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Warnings

For many children who dare disagree with their parents (especially if you are winning the argument) then parents are usually clever to manipulate the entire situation into a disciplinary issue about you, not about their own misunderstandings. This undermines any ability that you have to articulate facts or implore understanding and acceptance, as an angry parent will not care about facts, and will discount everything that a child says, regardless of the source, because parents have power and control as the one(s) who pay the bills in the house.
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Sometimes, parents tell their children "you can tell me anything and I will always love you no matter what." Sometimes they mean this sincerely, whereas other times they change their mind if they hear you aren't straight, or even are asking it as a trap.
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