How to Live Happily with a Disabled Child

At times, living with a disabled child can be confusing. Your family will face additional challenges, and you may be worried about your child's future. Don't worry—with preparation and kindness, you can handle it, and it will be okay.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Perspective

1
Give yourself time and space to process things if you're still working through it. A disability diagnosis can be a big adjustment. It means letting go of the image of the life you thought your child would have and discovering a new one.
- Even if it's hard now, it won't always be this hard. In many cases, it gets a lot easier.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Protect your child when you vent about the worst parts. Talk about it privately in a place you know your child won't overhear. Also, protect their privacy online. Your child's real name shouldn't be tied to embarrassing or negative stories online.
2
Don't blame yourself for being an imperfect parent or family member. No child gets a perfect one. You've probably made some mistakes, but that doesn't mean you caused the disability, nor does it mean your child will be miserable forever. Forgive yourself for being a human being and just keep doing your best.
- Blaming yourself won't help the child, but finding acceptance can.^{[2]XResearch source}
3
Recognize that disabled people can live wonderful lives. Disabled children grow into capable, lovable disabled adults. Your child will be able to live happily. If worry is consuming you, go read things written by disabled adults. See that they are alive and okay.
4
Make peace with the fact that you have a disabled kid. Pushing them to be just like their peers isn't healthy for them. Your kid is going to be different and you can adjust to that. This doesn't mean giving up on helping them. Instead, it means doing what's healthiest for them instead of whatever fits the traditional image.
- Let your kid be quirky and "weird" sometimes. All kids need to be themselves.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Helping Your Child

1
Treat them like a person, not a project. With specialists constantly talking about "deficits" and "delays," it can be difficult to say "My child is capable too!" Take plenty of time to work together with your child, and also appreciate their individual strengths.
- Work with them, not on them.
- Buy toys related to their strengths and favorite things, not only toys to develop lagging skills.
- Make sure therapy is fun and respectful, without the therapist fighting or coercing the child.
2
Find fun ways to teach new skills. Your child is still a child first and foremost, and they do best in a relaxed and lighthearted atmosphere. Make learning fun. If you or the kid gets stressed, take a break.
- Read books in silly voices.
- Play games and talk about fun things to naturally pick up social skills.
- Integrate your child's interests when doing therapy projects.
- Find an occupational therapist who recommends play activities, such as animal walks or finger painting, that are specifically tailored to your child's needs.
3
Approach your child's difficulties as a team. Have your child take an active role in problem-solving, and let them brainstorm and negotiate possible solutions with you. Talk to them about what's going on, and listen closely to their ideas.
4
Make it clear that it is okay to be different. Teach your child that their disability is natural and acceptable, just like your son's peanut allergy or your love of fashion. This helps them know that they are not burdensome or broken.
- Be factual and kind when explaining their disability.
- Be honest about their disability. Some parents think that hiding it will help their child be more normal. However, your child will notice that they are different, and may think that something is "wrong" with them. It's better to have a friendly, positive explanation from their family.
- Speak respectfully about other people's differences (disability, race, LGBT+, etc.), so your child learns that diversity is natural and okay.
5
Be there for them when they're struggling. All children struggle with limitations, imposed by others or their own limited skills, and children with disabilities can especially have a hard time. Be there to listen and validate their feelings. It helps for them to know that you care and you take them seriously.
6
Help them meet other disabled people and find disabled role models. Knowing others like them will help boost their self-confidence and remind them that they can be strong and successful the way they are.
- Make disabled friends, not just non-disabled ones.
- Have your child join a disability group, such as Special Olympics or a Deaf kids' group.
- Bring your child books about disabled people like Helen Keller and Woodrow Wilson.
- Read about disabled culture, such as Deaf culture or autistic culture.
7
Read from people who have your child's specific disability. What helped them when they were children? What did they wish their parents did for them? What is their advice to you?
8
Be generous with love and affection. Find a way to show your child that you love them every day. A child with a disability may get a lot of negative feedback in life, so it's important to balance things out by showing them lots of love.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Helping Yourself

1
Find support groups, both for yourself and for your child. Life will be hard sometimes. Meeting other parents will allow you to empathize and share ideas, while your child does the same with their disabled peers.
2
Search for other adults who can help you. Find specialists, disabled people, and parents of disabled children who know what works and what makes life easier. A team of caring, supportive adults can help you do the best you can raising your child.
- Not all help is for your child. Some of it can be for you. For example, you might benefit from counseling. And if you're really struggling, get screened for anxiety and depression in case you need treatment.
3
Ask friends and family for help if things get tough. Raising a kid is hard. There's no shame in that. Try reaching out, letting them know you're in a rough spot, and asking if they can come help. Here are some things people can do:
- Bring over food or invite you for dinner
- Take notes at doctor or therapy appointments
- Help with chores like cleaning and laundry
- Play with the kid and/or their sibling(s) for a while
4
Find time for peace and quiet every day. If you are constantly harried and stressed, you aren't doing any favors to your child or to yourself. Get rest so you can feel calm and centered each day. Take a bubble bath, read a book, take a walk, or do whatever it is that calms you.
- Set aside a specific time each day during which you can relax.
- Make a calming down corner not only for your child, but for yourself. Teach them to let you be when you are using it (just like you let them be when they use theirs).
5
Have fun together. Engage in silly play, let their interests shine, and don't let disability overcome your lives. Disability is important, but so is parenting, and don't focus on one at the expense of the other.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
How can I become more informed about my child's disabilities so I can be a better advocate for them?
Laura Reber, SSP
School Psychologist
Laura Reber is a school psychologist and founder of Progress Parade, an organization that provides 1:1 online tutoring with hand-picked specialists to students with academic needs, ADHD, learning disabilities, autism, and social-emotional challenges. Laura works with a team of school psychologists and specialized teachers to create personalized approaches for homework support, academic intervention, homeschooling, unschooling, and more. Laura holds a BS in Psychology from Truman State University and a Specialist in School Psychology degree (SSP) from Illinois State University.
Laura Reber, SSP
School Psychologist
Expert Answer
Try talking to your child's teachers to see how they're functioning in the classroom, and whether that's normal for their peer group. Also, consider reaching out to the school psychologist. They usually have great introductory handouts and other materials for parents.
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Warnings

Never hesitate to travel or go outing with them. A disabled child is no cause for embarrassment.
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If you feel so stressed, tired, or sad that you don't know if you can ever be happy, then this could be a sign that you need help. Talk to a doctor about these feelings and ask to be screened for mental health issues like anxiety and depression. These are treatable and it can get better if you take action.
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