How to Leave Someone for Good

Sometimes breaking up with someone is easier said than done. If you’ve ever been stuck in a cycle of breaking up and making up, it can seem like it’s impossible to leave your ex for good. But you can do it. There are things you can do to keep yourself from falling back into an unhappy relationship. To help you out, we’ve put together a list of things you can do to move on for good.

1

Tell your partner you need to talk.

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Sit down and talk about your separation. If you leave without saying anything, your partner won't understand what happened or why. If you want to leave them for good, tell your partner that you need to discuss something important.^{[1]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Having this conversation may be painful, but it’s the most direct and respectful way to end things.^{[2]XResearch source}
- You can say, “Listen, we need to talk” or “I need to talk to you about some important things.”
- If you're in an abusive situation, make plans to get to safety immediately.^{[3]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.}

2

Be ready to answer the question, “Why?”

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Your partner is likely to ask you this question. Spend some time thinking about all of the reasons and motivations you have for ending your relationship. You want to be able to cite examples of why things between the two of you have not been going well lately.^{[4]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Work on coming up with answers so can respond clearly and directly.^{[5]XResearch source}
- If it helps, make a list of possible questions and your responses.
- Anticipate questions like, “Why?” and “What did I do wrong?” You might respond, “I need to do this for me” or “It’s not all your fault, this just isn’t working.”

3

Use “I” statements so they don’t feel attacked.

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Keep the focus on you and your feelings, not their faults. Talk about why you feel unhappy and why you want to end the relationship. Try not to point out mistakes they’ve made or things that you dislike about them. It’ll make it easier for them to hear what you’re saying without getting defensive.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For instance, instead of saying, “You don’t make time for me and I don’t like how little you do around the house,” you could say, “I don’t feel like my needs are being met.”
- You might say, “I just don’t feel the same way I once felt and I need to do this for me.”
- If they have their own concerns, listen to them.^{[7]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.} But keep your own reasons focused on yourself.

4

Keep your message short and direct.

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Avoid vague or contradictory language so there’s no confusion. It can feel tempting to break the news gently to avoid upsetting them. But your best bet is to tell them in no uncertain terms that you want to end the relationship and move on. Avoid open-ended statements that could leave doubt in their mind about whether you really want to leave them. Stick to clear, direct statements.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Instead of saying something like, “Unless things just suddenly changed, I don’t think we can be together,” try something direct like, “I want us to move on” or “I’m sorry, but it’s over and I need you to accept that.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 574 How.com.vn readers who've broken up with their partner, and only 5% of them agreed that the best thing to do is to suggest staying friends. [Take Poll] So while it may be tempting to try to soften the blow, it’s better to set firm boundaries about ending the relationship.

5

Share the news with friends and family.

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Encourage everyone to see your separation as a positive step. Your separation may not come as a huge surprise to them, but once things are officially over, they need to know. Some of your mutual friends may take sides, which is understandable, but it can make the separation harder. Encourage everyone to see your separation as a good thing that will eventually make both you and your ex happier.^{[9]XResearch source}
- You could say, “If you can please respect our privacy while we work on figuring out the next steps, we’d greatly appreciate it.”

6

Be honest but sensitive if you have children.

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It can be painful, but they need to know the truth. Sit down with your kids and tell them that you’re separating. Stress to them that it's not their fault. It may be impossible to avoid hurting their feelings with the news, but it’s much better than them finding out another way.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Try saying something like, “Mommy and daddy won’t be together anymore, but we both still love you and it’s not your fault.”

7

Make plans to move out quickly if you live together.

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Separate your belongings and start fresh somewhere else. Spend some time taking an inventory of what’s yours and what’s your ex’s in your home. Then, pack up your belongings and move them to your new space as soon as you can so you don’t have to spend additional time around your ex. If you aren’t able to find a new place easily, consider moving in with a friend or family member temporarily.^{[11]XResearch source}
- You can hire a moving company or reach out to some friends to help move heavy furniture.

8

Set clear boundaries about communication.

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Tell your ex how they can and cannot get in touch with you. Tell them they can’t barrage you with a ton of text messages or phone calls and that if they do you won’t respond to them. Define what you consider to be acceptable forms of communication, which could be text messages, phone calls, or emails, but at an acceptable level.^{[12]XResearch source}
- For instance, you could say, “If you need to get in touch with me, you can shoot me a text and I’ll get back to you when I can. Please don’t blow up my phone or I’ll have to block you.”
- You could also say, “If you need me, send me an email, please.”

9

Show empathy, but stick to your bottom lines.

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You can be compassionate without getting their hopes up. Acknowledge their pain, but don't let it sway you. Whatever rules about communication that you set, stick to them.^{[13]XResearch source}
- You might say, “I get that this hurts, I feel it, too. But this is for the best and I’m not changing my mind.”
- You could also try, “I understand your pain, but please don’t make it harder than it has to be.”

10

Reach out to friends and family for support.

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Let your friends and family know you’ll need them. There may be times when you feel lonely or sad following your separation, and you may feel tempted to respond or reach out to your ex. Instead, reach out to a friend and talk to them instead. Get together with people that you love so you can enjoy yourself and stop thinking negatively.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- It’s important that you look elsewhere for emotional support instead of your ex.^{[15]XExpert SourceMoshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 7 August 2019.}

11

Fill your time with healthy activities.

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Healthy activities can help you focus on positivity. Find something that you once loved doing, but haven’t been able to do in a long time, or find something new that you’ve always wanted to try. Focus on your activities to keep your mind off of your ex and to help you move on.^{[16]XResearch source}
- For example, get into a new fitness regimen or start taking classes at your local gym to get some healthy exercise.
- Read a good book or try out a new creative outlet like writing or playing music.

12

Don’t beat yourself up about mistakes you’ve made.

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Be kind to yourself as you heal and move on. No matter what you did in your relationship or how things went down when you put an end to it, it’s all in the past now. Don’t be so hard on yourself! This is your chance to start fresh and focus on living a happy life.^{[17]XResearch source}
- If you do find yourself dwelling on past mistakes, remind yourself that your previous relationship doesn’t define you.

13

Allow yourself to feel upset.

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The truth is, you once really cared about your ex, and sometimes it can be hard to fully let those feelings go. It’s okay to feel sad or hurt; that doesn't mean you need to go back to your old relationship. Give yourself permission to feel those feelings, just try not to act on them.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}

Expert Q&A

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Question
What are some signs that my relationship might not work?
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Expert Answer
Ask yourself if you're emotionally present in the relationship or if you have any needs that your partner doesn't fulfill. You can also question your expectations and what aspects of your relationship work.
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Question
I live with my partner and I need to tell her that I don't want to get re-married. What should I do?
Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Expert Answer
The most important thing is not to lead her on. Don't let her think you're interested in getting re-married if you're really not. If this is how you truly feel, you should let her know with as much honesty and respect as possible.
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Question
My partner keeps talking me out of making the final break. How can I leave him without being convinced not to?
Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Expert Answer
Be honest and straightforward with your partner. Let them know how you feel and what you want. If this is a breakup, your best bet is to be as forthcoming as possible with your feelings. Take care of yourself and be truthful to YOU.
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Tips

If you’re feeling really sad or depressed after your separation, you can try talking to a counselor or therapist. They may be able to help you better cope with your feelings.
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Warnings

If your ex is aggressive or abusive, contact the police. Put an end to any threatening behavior as soon as it starts so it doesn’t get out of hand.
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