How to Know if You Should Leave Your Addicted Partner

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1Deciding If the Relationship Is Worth It

2Working Through It

3Identifying Signs of Abuse

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Tips and Warnings

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References

It's a hard road when you're in a relationship with an addicted partner. Though you love the person, their behavior is causing strife between the two of you. To decide whether you should leave, you need to take a hard look at your relationship. If you think it can be saved, you can make an attempt to work through your issues. Keep in mind, though, your partner has to be willing to do the work, too. If they're not, you'll likely need to get out. Finally, if you are being abused — mentally or physically — you will need to find a safe way to end the relationship.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Deciding If the Relationship Is Worth It

1. 
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   Check if your relationship is equitable. In a relationship, both of you should be giving and receiving. Addicts can be notoriously selfish. They may be completely focused on getting the next fix (whatever it is), and that fix often comes before other people in their lives. That means that your emotional needs may fall to the wayside, even as you try to support your partner.

   • Begin by looking at your everyday life. If you're doing most of the work around the house, that's not fair to you. Your partner has to pull their weight, too, and they likely are not if they have a serious addiction.
2. 
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   Consider the stress. When you have an addict as a partner, particularly one addicted to drugs or alcohol, you will always be worrying about getting that call at 2 am, that your partner has been in an accident and is in jail with a DUI, or worse. Living with that fear and stress can take a toll on your health and emotional well-being.

   • In other addiction cases, such as a gambling or porn addiction, your partner may lose their job or drain your joint finances in pursuit of their addiction.
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3. 
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   Take a hard look at what their addiction has cost you. Often, it's hard to admit your partner is an addict. That's the first step. However, it's also important to look at what it's done to your relationship. Think back to what the relationship was like before your partner was addicted (if there was a time), and compare it to how your relationship is now. How has it changed? You may notice it's significantly worse.

   • If your partner has always been an addict, think about how your partner has enriched or deteriorated your quality of living. Having a partner should make your life better, not worse.
4. 
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   Notice if you are compensating for the person. Often, when a person is in a relationship with an addict, they may find themselves trying to make excuses for that person. For instance, you may find yourself lying for the person or making excuses to your friends and family. If you constantly find yourself apologizing for your partner, that's not a good sign.
5. 
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   Watch for isolation. Sometimes, an addiction can cause you and your partner to pull away from other relationships because you are trying to hide the addiction. If you've noticed you've started backing out of social engagements with others that include your partner, take a moment to consider why. If it's because of the addiction, you need to evaluate your relationship.

   • You may also notice that your partner doesn't want to attend any social gatherings, and they do anything they can to get themselves (and you) out of them.
6. 6
   Notice if the person is pressuring you to use. Your addicted partner might try to get you to join them in the addictive activity. They might tell you it will bring you closer, or they might withhold affection if you refuse. Even if you stay strong at first, your partner may wear you down with repeated requests to join them. Your partner should respect your decision not to engage in their addiction, and if they cannot accept this, it may be wise to leave before you are drawn into addiction as well.

   • Notice if one or both of you need to be inebriated to feel close, show affection, or discuss the relationship. This can be a sign that your partner is influencing you to use.
   • Your partner likely knows that a healthy partner is unlikely to tolerate their behavior. They may think that getting you to use with them is a way to keep you from leaving the relationship.
7. 
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   Think about your kids. You may think that staying together no matter what is best for the kids. However, if your relationship has become so unbearable that you and your partner can barely stand each other, your kids are going to notice. High tension in your household will affect your kids, so think about whether they might be better off if you left your partner.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Working Through It

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   Look for signs of willingness to change. Some addicts can become sober if they work hard to change. Of course, the saying is an addict is always an addict, but if your partner is willing to do the work and stay vigilant, it may be worth staying.

   • If your partner says they want to change, see if they follow through. If it's just words that they never back up with action, they may not be ready to get sober.
   • Other signs that your partner isn't willing to do the work include your partner constantly quitting recovery programs or relapsing all the time.
2. 2
   Encourage your partner to enter detox and/or rehab. If your partner is addicted to drugs or alcohol, they may need medical supervision to detox without serious side effects. Entering a rehabilitation program will provide your partner with the safety and support they need to overcome their addiction, such as therapy, coping mechanisms, exploring the underlying causes of their addictive behavior, and much more.

   • If your partner does not want to enter into treatment, contact a treatment center for advice. They can help you motivate your partner to seek help and enter treatment.
3. 
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   Ask about counseling. One step that you may ask your partner to take is to see a counselor with you. Try to pick a counselor who specializes in addiction and couples counseling, if possible. That way, you'll have professional help in assessing the situation.
4. 
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   Determine if you want to wait. Recovery is not an easy process, and it can take some people years. It takes an emotional toll on anybody else around the addict. You have a life to live, too, and you may not want to spend a chunk of your life helping someone become sober. On the other hand, you may decide it's worth the effort because of the commitment you've made to the person.
5. 
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   Think about a separation. If you're married, a legal separation may be a good way to wake your partner up to the issue. A separation is a way of saying (in a legal way) that you need time apart to work out whether you should stay together, but it's not a divorce. If you're not married, you could still ask to take some time away from your partner. It gives your partner time to work on recovery, and you time to figure out what you want your life to look like.

   • If you're interested in this option, contact a divorce lawyer to discuss the legal side of things. If you're not married, sit down and have a discussion with your partner about the possibility.
6. 
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   Consider how leaving may help your partner. When your partner is still with you, they have you to fall back on. They can maintain their addiction because they have your support. That's not to say you're to blame for their addiction. Rather, it's important to note because if you withdraw your support, by leaving the person or (if married) getting a divorce, that can cause some addicts to hit rock bottom. In turn, they may finally get the help they need.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Identifying Signs of Abuse

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   1
   Leave if your partner is physically abusive. People who were caring can become mean and even abusive when they are under the influence of an addiction. If your partner physically harms you, perhaps hitting you, shoving you, or grabbing you hard enough to leave bruises, you need to leave the relationship.

   • If your partner is violent towards others you care about, you are also being abused.
   • Make safety a priority. Find a safe place you (and your children and pets) can stay. If you feel that it is unsafe for your partner to know where you are, be especially conscious of where you go and who you tell.
   • Contact the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1−800−799−7233 for assistance in creating a safety plan to leave your partner.
   • Learn more about creating a safety plan here: http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/#tab-id-1
2. 
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   Look for signs of emotional abuse. Abuse isn't always physical. Your partner may not hit or shove you, but they may neglect you altogether. Alternatively, they may belittle you, calling you stupid or saying that no one else will want you. If your partner is often mean and belittling to you, that's a sign of emotional abuse, and you should get out of the relationship.

   • Your partner may also try to manipulate you. For instance, your partner may make you feel responsible for anything that goes wrong, or they may try to make you responsible for their feelings, such as saying things like, "If you'd done it right, I wouldn't be so mad."
   • When your partner uses, they may have extreme emotions that they take out on you. Your partner may get very angry while on a substance and direct that anger at you.
3. 
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   Notice if your partner is controlling you. Another sign of abuse is when someone tries to control you. For instance, your partner may limit your access to friends, try to control your medication, or watch what you're doing all the time. They may not like you to go out on your own. If your partner is always trying to push you to stay within certain unreasonable boundaries, that is a sign of abuse.
4. 
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   Pay attention to how your partner treats sex. Sex should always be an act where both parties enthusiastically consent. If your partner forces sex on you, that's obviously illegal. It gets a bit murkier when your partner manipulates you into having sex even when you don't want to. You may "agree" but not really want to do it, which is also abuse.

   • For example, your partner may say, "Your dinner was awful. You have to make up for it by having sex with me."
   • Watch for signs of abuse in your children. If your partner has created an environment that's abusive for your children, you need to get you and your children out immediately. They may become more withdrawn, have behavioral problems or changes, or appear more depressed overall, just to name a few.
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Tips

• If you are being abused, get help. Call one of the following numbers:

  • United States:
    • National Domestic Violence Hotline (men or women), 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
  • United Kingdom:
    • Woman's Aid (women), 0808 2000 247,
    • ManKind Initiative (men), 01823 334244
  • Ireland:
    • Woman's Aid (women), 1800 341 900
    • AMEN (men) 046 902 3710
  • Australia:
    • 1800 737 732 (women)
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• In other countries, look on http://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html to find a center in your country.
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