How to Keep From Being So Easily Offended

Being easily offended is a difficult habit to overcome. It usually indicates poor understanding of one's own emotions in favor of the strategy of trying to change the behavior of others. But, since we're all autonomous beings, we are only able to change ourselves--this includes how we understand and react to the world around us. A commitment to changing oneself rather than trying to force the changes we want to see on others is a valuable choice that requires humility and open-mindedness.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Understanding the Emotions Behind Taking Offense

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1
Consider your role as the offense taker. Oftentimes, taking offense is a choice. This means that our reactions to what we consider offensive should be the focus of change.^{[1]XResearch source} If you’re not sure whether or not you really are easily offended, take this test for a quick answer.
- How has taking offense easily shaped you? Do you expect to be offended often, causing you to be very defensive? Do you find it difficult to trust others?
- Avoid the trap of thinking that you’re a sensitive person, and that taking offense is a hard-wired part of your personality. You may indeed be very sensitive to outside influence—most people are. But, sensitivity is different from taking others' actions personally.
2
Ask yourself what you’re really responding to. Most often, being easily triggered involves letting lots of one's own assumptions (of motivation and aggression) color perceptions of others. Unless the world really does revolve around you, it is just an assumption that others are acting out of hatred or disdain for you. So, where do these assumptions come from?
- Examine your relationship with yourself. The easily bruised egos that result from feeling vulnerable and defensive usually mask fundamental insecurities and mistrust of self.^{[2]XResearch source}Do you feel insecure about your identity or uncomfortable in your skin? Are you finding what you feel inside out in the world, in the form of an offensive comment or slight?
- Just because you have an intense experience of your feelings does not mean that people are being purposely malicious toward you. In fact, others can rarely tell when people around them are highly sensitive even if they wanted to purposely harm sensitive people.
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3
Question the influence of your past. Another major trigger for taking offense is seeing a behavior or hearing a phrase that reminds us of a negative past experience. We make associations between certain actions and our hurt feelings or discomfort that emerged with them at the time. Even if the person doing it means no harm, just seeing the action may cause us to become defensive and feel victimized.
- It is important to remember that while an action may have carried a particular meaning at some other point does not mean that this will always be the same in the future.
- For example, say while growing up, a school teacher scolded you for wearing a revealing shirt to school, making you feel frightened and ashamed. Upon a current friend's neutral suggestion that you bring a sweater to wear over your halter top, you could take offense and lash out at her, not quite knowing why.
4
Recognize the role of your ideals. As humans, we all have basic emotional needs--to feel connected, safe, purposeful, and attended to.^{[3]XResearch source} Many of us are lucky enough to grow up with the expectation that other people will be support our needs (just like our parents did). While this expectation helps us feel safe and trusting of others, it can backfire and create unrealistic ideals about how we should be treated.
- This is especially problematic since growing older usually involves being increasingly responsible for our own needs.
- Often, working on this issue means that the fulfillment of emotional needs requires better balance between yourself and others. Do you work to manage your emotional needs or expect others to conform to your ideal way of being treated?
5
Separate your feelings from the dictates of social norms. Sometimes it's easy to get offended if you see a socially acceptable opportunity to do so. For instance, we know that talking in a library is against the rules. So, even if you are casually reading a magazine, taking offense to the talking can serve the function of getting you attention.^{[4]XResearch source}
- If someone says something potentially offensive, question if you really do feel burned because their take is that important to you. You might just be martyring yourself to illuminate a faux pas or rude remark just for the hell of it--out of self-righteousness or a desire to control who says what.
6
Lay out your values. Since there are appropriate times make issue of something that happened, journal about your values to determine which problems you really consider worthwhile. This will make you better able to know what’s worth raising a fuss about and what can be let go and forgotten about.
- Additionally, having a stronger sense of your own values will help you feel less threatened when they are challenged. Trusting your values makes others' opinions less important.
7
Confer with yourself. Breaking habitual ways of acting is extremely difficult. Talking yourself through your own feelings and using yourself as a springboard to consider alternative ways of thinking is an invaluable tool.
- You might develop little mantras to tell yourself, like "Most people are doing the best they can to be compassionate" or "If each person doesn't prioritize their own needs, who will?"

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Thinking Clearly When Someone Upsets You

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1
Take a moment to manage your emotions and calm yourself. Allow time to pass before responding to someone you feel is offending you. If you are too easily offended, it has probably become an automatic response for you. This means that there is no time between feeling offended and responding as if you’ve been hurt. So, make time to pause and question whether or not you want to take offense.
- If the emotions are running too high to just pause, try counting to ten in your head.
- Learning and practicing mindfulness exercises regularly will make this easier. Mindfulness involves learning how to strategically detach from strong emotions so that more measured responses can be formulated.^{[5]XResearch source}
- One mindfulness exercise is to spend time focusing on your breath. When you attend to the sensation of your breath coming and going, you gain a stronger connection to your feelings rather than pesky, automatic thoughts.
2
Take a moment to mentally label and acknowledge your feelings.^{[6]XResearch source} When letting go of a habitual response like taking offense, there’s no use trying to shut out your knee-jerk thoughts. Instead of ignoring what your mind is telling you, listen to it. That way you can determine for yourself whether or not to purse the offense and make a scene.
- Try to find a word for what you're going through. Are you mad? Hurt? Afraid of rejection? Frustrated? Something else?
- If someone says that your haircut might not be the best style for you, your head might be screaming “Oh no she didn’t! Give her a piece of your mind!” Hear this anger and feel your urge to lash out in response. This way you can see that as just one of many possible ways that you could respond.
- It’s also important to see how angry you feel inside so that you can gauge your next move.^{[7]XResearch source} For example, if you feel enraged then you may not want to respond humorously (since humor in your state might not be perceived as humor at all).
3
Try to imagine what the other person could be intending (or not intending) to do. Are they trying to provoke you, or could they be oblivious? Is it possible that they mean well? Imagine a few possibilities, without jumping to conclusions about what the other person could be thinking.^{[8]XResearch source}
- For example, maybe you're peeved that your friend skipped your party and stayed home instead. Your first instinct might be to feel like he's being selfish. But then it may help to pause and imagine what he might be thinking.^{[9]XResearch source} Maybe he's tired, having a rough day, or in need of some alone time.
- You may not get to the bottom of why someone did something, but that’s okay. The point is to recognize that they might not be meaning to send the message that you first thought they did.
Tip: Just because the other person might mean well doesn't mean you can never be upset with them. It just helps you keep perspective and avoid being too harsh on someone who might have been doing the best they could at the time.
When we are anxious and full of energy, we tend to be less forgiving of mild offenses.^{[10]XResearch source} This is simply because we are looking for new material in the world to “pounce on” or to attend to because, well, we can! Don’t let habitual offense taking spring up and drain energy that could be put to better use, say, marveling at how differently different people express their opinions.
5
Try to distinguish between someone being out of line and someone doing something you dislike. This can be tricky, especially since we as humans tend to perceive everything we dislike as unacceptable. But try to pin down the social rules involved. Was the person being rude? Was it a small or big offense? Here are some things to consider:
- Saying "no" to an activity or to spending time with a person is a right that everyone has. Trying to pressure someone to do something, or to pressure others to avoid a person, is inappropriate.
- It's okay to dislike a person or thing. But name-calling usually crosses a line.
- Teasing can be a gray area. If the other person hasn't asked for it to stop, then it's often okay. However, if they've asked not to be teased (either about a certain topic or just in general), then teasing them anyway is inappropriate. Jokes or teasing that degrade a person or a group of people is also wrong.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Telling the truth is almost always acceptable, unless something is secret (e.g. someone's sexual orientation). Trying to trick or fool someone, even because you think you're outing them as a liar, is almost always not.
- Remembering an event differently than you did is possible. This happens sometimes and neither person may be in the wrong for that. But trying to convince you that your memory is incorrect can be a sign of manipulation.
6
Use positive self-talk. Try replacing your negative thoughts with self-affirmations and positive frames of whatever situation you’re going through. Letting unchecked negative thoughts stew in our minds is often the direct cause of flying into offense mode.
- This means letting go of the little annoyances and minor slights. Ruminating over negative feelings is like making an investment in sadness. Your time is valuable, and you don’t need to spend it re-living moments of fleeting discomfort.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Talking to Someone Who Upset You

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1
Think about whether this would give you a good outcome.^{[12]XResearch source} Before you react to a slight, think about the consequences. What type of results would this get you? Is this conversation worth the risk?
- Is the stress of a conversation worth the results? Would it be better to let it go?
- How often do you ask people to change their behavior? Is there a risk of them feeling nitpicked or like they have to walk around eggshells around you? You may want to pick your battles.
- Is now a good time to talk? Are they distracted or busy? (If so, you might want to wait.)
2
Handle awkward moments with grace. Sometimes people do little rude or odd things that might catch you off guard. In most cases, it's best to let it drop. Here are some ways you can turn things in a positive direction:
- Redirect the conversation. Let the matter drop and find a new focus. This is a good option if you feel that attempting to clear up the matter would just create more opportunities to be offended
- Laugh it off or make a friendly joke. Sometimes this can help ease tension.
3
Try asking them about what they said or did.^{[13]XResearch source} Maybe there was a misunderstanding or they misspoke. Or there's a perfectly good explanation you didn't know about. And if there's a real conflict, hearing their side of the story may help the two of you reach a resolution. When you ask at first, try to avoid assumptions, so they don't jump to defensiveness. Instead, take a deep breath and let them explain.
- "I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understood that. Could you please re-word that?"
- "Hey, I was waiting for nearly half an hour. What happened? Is everything okay?"
- "Mom, I notice you've been making comments about my appearance lately. Can I ask what's up with that?"
- "When I tried to talk in that meeting, I noticed you often started speaking before I could finish my sentences. What was going on there?"
4
Try taking polite, assertive action if someone is repeatedly and/or intentionally bothering you. People do make social mistakes sometimes and it's often good to forgive them. But if it's majorly affecting you, then it may be worth politely speaking up about it. Try using "I" language to frame your feelings and boundaries. Here are some examples of assertive things to say.
- "Please don't tease me about my lisp. I don't like it."
- "If you keep calling me names, I will leave."
- "I asked you to stop making comments about my body and I told you how it makes me feel. I don't understand why you keep doing that."
- "I said I don't feel comfortable making out tonight. That means no."
- "I asked you to return my homework. When the teacher asks where it is, I will tell the truth. Are you going to give it back to me?"
Tip: If someone refuses to listen to you, and if they're creating a hostile environment for you, then it may be worth going to an authority figure for help. For example, if your coworker keeps making fun of your weight after you asked them to stop, it's okay to ask your boss or HR for help.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Learning from the Past to Guide the Future

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1
Reflect upon past situations. To cultivate an ongoing understanding of situations that tend to offend you, try journaling about some of your most memorable moments of victimhood. List 3 or 4 incidents with as much detail as possible.
- Push yourself to think deeply about these moments, expressing how you felt and why you took offense. Don't assume that the offense requires no explanation or is "obviously" offensive. Write why you were offended, not why anyone would take offense at the same thing.
- Then, write these moments down as if you are a journalist reporting an incident. Instead of writing about how you feel, try writing about what an outside observer saw.
2
Look for patterns. Is there anything you notice across these situations? Does a particular way of being treated frequently make you indignant with consistency? Look for the deeper reasons you were offended.
- For example, say you are offended by someone explaining something to you that you already know. Perhaps you are offended because your ego is bruised because the person doesn't see your smarts. Can you reasonably expect that this person should spend their time keeping track of what you know and don't know?
- These patterns are your triggers. When something like this happens to you in the future, you will know that the moment is ideal for trying out other responses.^{[14]XResearch source}
3
Explore the thoughts that justify offense-taking. We typically justify or "prop up" our actions and beliefs with thoughts that rationalize them.^{[15]XTrustworthy SourceSimply PsychologyPopular site for evidence-based psychology informationGo to source} What thoughts about what should and shouldn't be the case allow you to claim offense? What makes you think it's a proper response?
- Maybe you are offended because someone comes to your house-warming party without bringing a gift. The thoughts that might support taking offense could be ideas like:
  - "Bringing a gift is the only way to show warmth."
  - "A gift for me should be this person's priority regardless of other financial obligations."
  - "I need to receive tokens from others to know that I am loved and supported".
4
Notice if one person in particular is making you uncomfortable or bringing out the worst in you. Pay attention to what happens. What assumptions and sensitive spots are at play here? Sometimes, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. It may be time to either have a serious talk or to spend less time with this person.
- Try asking for an outside opinion if it helps. This means asking someone who isn't close to the person who keeps upsetting you. They might have wisdom to help you know what to let go and what to take seriously.
- If this is a close relationship and it's becoming deeply stressful, then maybe a counselor can help you tease it apart.
5
Choose to privilege yourself over the “offender”. When it comes down to it, we can either spend our time trying to get others to adjust their behavior or work on our own reactions. Trying to change others is a weighty task because people are always changing, surprising us—not to mention how many there are out there. Trying to change them is often a waste of your precious time.
- When you work on your reactions, you are making yourself a more flexible and joyous person who can handle more of the world with ease. Taking the “high road” is not just more noble, but actually more beneficial to your ability to cope with everyday life.

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Tips

When you feel offended, remember the Eleanor Roosevelt quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
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Don't be afraid to love yourself. There is an African proverb that says "if there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm". If you love yourself (and your flaws), you have built a shield around yourself that nobody can penetrate.
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