How Do Text Messages Change from Dating to Marriage?

The texts you send your partner when you first start dating versus when you’ve been married for a while are probably vastly different. The content, the tone, and even the word choice might change a lot, but that’s not a bad thing! In this article, we’ve detailed some of the ways your messages to and from your spouse might change over time and why exactly that tends to happen.

1

You might text your partner less overall.

When you live with someone, you don’t need to text as often. When you two first started dating, you probably texted all the time—that’s because you were still getting to know each other, and you probably weren’t hanging out every day. After you get married, you most likely see your partner in person almost all the time, so you don’t need to send them as many texts.
- On the flip side, a lot of couples report that they’ve texted each other from the same room! It just doesn’t happen quite as often as it used to.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourcePew Research CenterNonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trendsGo to source}
Advertisement

2

Your texts might be more informational.

You might text more about groceries, kids, and who’s going to make dinner. When you’re dating, your texts are a little more fun: chatting about what you’re up to, where you’re going out next, and when you can see each other again. But, as you get older, you might just talk more about picking up the kids or what needs to get done around the house. It’s not anything you need to be worried about, it just means your priorities have shifted a little bit.^{[2]XResearch source}
- And if you ever want to switch it up, you totally can! Text your spouse and ask them how their day is going, or tell them a funny story via messages. It’s always nice to change up your communication style now and then.

3

You might use texts to make plans with each other.

Texts are a nice way to quickly check in about schedules. If you want to head out of town for the weekend but you aren’t sure what your partner’s work schedule is, a quick, “What are we doing this weekend?” is a great way to find out. Texting makes it super easy to create plans and schedule things, so you’ll see more of these logistical messages over time.^{[3]XResearch source}
- You might also text things like, “You wanna hang with Jim and Nancy tonight?” or, “How do you feel about going to my parents' house for the holidays?”
- If you’re tired of only texting about plans, save those questions for in-person conversations. That way, you and your spouse can chat about your upcoming week or what you have going on instead of just sending a simple text message.
Advertisement

4

You may text your partner just to check in.

When you’re apart, you might ask your partner about their day or their job. Texts like these show your spouse that you’re thinking about them, even when they’re not around. You might send more of these while you’re married rather than dating because you know your partner’s schedule better, and you can anticipate where they’re going to be a little bit more.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- Things like, “Hey, just checking in,” or, “How’s work today?” are always nice to get from your partner.
- If you know your partner is busy (maybe they’re swamped at work right now), try not to expect an immediate reply.

5

You might save more serious topics for in-person.

You probably know that serious conversations are best had face-to-face. If you’ve ever tried to bring up a misunderstanding over text, you probably know just how difficult it can be to talk about something legit when you only have words to work with. You probably rely a little more on body language and tone of voice to resolve issues, which is actually a good thing.^{[5]XResearch source}
- So much of human communication is conveyed with our bodies and how we say things. Trying to talk about serious topics over text might sound like a good idea, but in reality, it usually doesn’t work very well.
Advertisement

6

You’ll probably share fewer flirty texts.

In most long-term relationships, flirting becomes less of a priority. Instead, it’s replaced with the contentedness you feel when you’re truly comfortable around your partner. This is not to say that you shouldn’t ever flirt with your partner—in fact, it’s the opposite! You just might save the flirtation for in-person conversations instead.^{[6]XResearch source}
- If you’d like to bring back some fun flirtation via text message, try sending things like, “Can’t wait to see you later tonight,” or, “You’ll never guess what I have planned for you later.”
- Don’t forget the emojis! A cheeky 😉 or 😈 is sure to get your message across.^{[7]XExpert SourceCher Gopman
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 17 May 2019.}

7

You might still sext.

Sexting is on the rise for all couples, no matter their relationship status. Studies show that since 2012, sexting has increased between partners, especially in young adults.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourcePew Research CenterNonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trendsGo to source} This means that while you and your partner are apart, you might engage in a few steamy messages (or even pictures).
- If you’ve never sexted before and you want to try it, bring it up with your spouse beforehand. Broach the subject to see if they might like it, then send the first message to get started.
- If you and your partner don’t sext, that’s totally fine! Not everyone is comfortable with that, and there are other ways to stay intimate while you’re apart.
Advertisement

8

You might experience fewer misunderstandings.

You might understand what your partner means when they send you something. For instance, if they say, “What do you mean?” you probably know they aren’t being sarcastic or angry. Instead, they’re simply asking you for more information so they can be clear on your intentions. As you two learn and grow with each other, you’ll be able to decipher the meaning of your messages much easier.^{[9]XResearch source}
- For example, when your partner texts you, “When are you going to be home?” you probably know that they aren’t trying to rush you. Instead, they’re just looking for information and to make sure that you’re safe.

9

You could use texts to resolve arguments.

While this isn’t super common, and it might not be the case for you and your partner, texting can actually be a nice way to explain things clearly and concisely without the presence of emotions. If you and your partner know that you both tend to get worked up having arguments in person, you might use texts as a way to talk things out instead.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourcePew Research CenterNonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trendsGo to source}
Advertisement

10

You might take a little more time to respond.

When your partner texts you, it might not be your top priority to text them back like it was when you two were dating. This isn’t a bad thing—it just means that you have other things going on, which your partner is probably aware of.^{[11]XResearch source}

11

You might give your partner more time to respond.

Since you’re both busy, you might expect your spouse to take a while to text back. When you two were younger, you might have gotten offended every time your partner took more than 10 minutes to get back to you. Now, though, you know that daily life often gets in the way of texting, and it doesn’t mean anything bad.^{[12]XResearch source}
- If you’re upset or annoyed at how long your partner takes to text back, it’s worth talking to them about it. Couples with mismatched texting tendencies usually argue more, and it can lead to resentment over time.
Advertisement