How to Help Your Parents Get Along with Your In‐Laws

In a perfect world, your parents and your partner’s parents would be eager to meet each other and become fast friends. The real world is often more complicated than that, but you can still help your parents and in-laws find common ground and get along with each other. Start by telling your parents about your partner’s family, and ask your partner to do the same. After establishing positive expectations, you can arrange a time and place for your parents and in-laws to meet, and find ways to nurture a good relationship between your families further down the road.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Establishing Expectations

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Paint a positive picture of your in-laws for your parents. If you talk to your parents about your in-laws, you’re creating expectations – positive or negative – for when they eventually meet each other. Set the stage for positive future interactions by telling your parents about your in-laws’ good qualities.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Establish common ground ahead of time by pointing out similarities between your family and your partner’s family. You might provide an example like "They are very family-oriented--just like us. They have Sunday dinners with the entire family each week."
- If you dislike your in-laws, try to find something positive to say anyways. For instance, tell your parents that your mother-in-law is great at organizing events, not that you think she’s overbearing.
2
Avoid telling your parents negative things about your in-laws. If you complain to your parents about your partner’s family, they might dislike your in-laws before ever meeting them. You don’t have to love your in-laws, but it’s best to reserve your venting for your friends, not your parents.^{[2]XResearch source}
- If you’ve already told your parents what you don’t like about your partner’s family, do damage control by bringing up things you do appreciate about your in-laws.
- Remember, you are striving to build lifelong relationships and your parents deserve to make up their own minds about their new in-laws.
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3
Tell your parents about your in-laws’ habits and quirks. Every family has their own idiosyncrasies and sensitive subjects. Give your parents an idea of what they can expect when they meet your in-laws, and let them know if there are any topics they should avoid bringing up. Ask your partner to give their parents a similar heads-up.^{[3]XResearch source}
- This step is especially important if your families are from two different cultures or have very different outlooks on life. Something to the effect of "My new father-in-law works at the university, so he's quite brilliant. But, be warned: he'll drag you into hours' long conversations about insects."
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Organizing the First Meeting

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Introduce your parents and in-laws before they meet in person. Help your parents and in-laws break the ice ahead of time by introducing them to each other over a phone or video call. If they are reluctant or tech-averse, even an email or a handwritten note can help your parents and in-laws feel more at ease when meeting each other in person.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Although age-old tradition dictates that the groom’s family should reach out to the bride’s first. Many families choose to break this tradition. In most recent years, it’s perfectly fine for you and your partner to initiate a meeting between your parents if you want to. ^{[5]XResearch source}
- Respect any cultural factors that you or your partner deem important. Starting out on the right foot here, can make a world of difference through the years!
2
Choose a neutral, relaxed location for the first meeting. If you and your partner share a house or apartment, consider inviting your parents there. Other good places for the first meeting could include a casual restaurant, an outdoor barbecue, or a coffee shop. Avoid meeting at your parents’ or in-laws’ house, which might make the other set of parents feel out of place.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Plan the first meeting around either food or an activity of some kind. This will minimize awkward silences and give your parents and in-laws something to bond over.
- If you’re making a meal, be sure the food will appeal to everyone. Check with your partner about whether their parents have any dietary restrictions or dislike certain foods.
3
Prepare topics of conversation ahead of time. Meeting new people can be a little awkward for everyone, so you and your partner will probably have to carry much of the conversation during your parents’ first meeting. Think of some things to talk about ahead of time, so you can fill in gaps in the conversation smoothly.^{[7]XResearch source}
- One of the best ways to spark conversations is to find common ground between your parents and your in-laws. For instance, you could tell your car-loving father-in-law that your dad also likes to work on classic cars.
- Another great conversation starter is to talk about the family composition on each side. For example, you can ask about their other children, siblings, grandchildren, etc.
4
Steer clear of controversial topics of conversation. To prevent any unintentional offense or hurt feelings, avoid hot-button topics like politics, religion, or controversial news stories. Keep the conversation light, positive, and relatable.^{[8]XResearch source}
- When in doubt, you can always talk about pets, food, or the weather.
- You and your partner should identify controversial topics on each side before your parents and in-laws meet, and plan to avoid these topics.
5
Pick up the check if you’re eating at a restaurant. You and your partner can avoid any awkward situations when the check arrives by paying the bill yourselves. Find the waiter and give them your credit card ahead of time.^{[9]XResearch source}
- This is an especially good idea if there’s an income discrepancy between your parents and your partner’s parents.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Maintaining a Good Relationship

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Have your parents and your in-laws help with wedding planning. Many couples introduce their parents and in-laws to each other after announcing their engagement. If this is the case for you and your partner, find ways to involve both of your families in planning your wedding.
- Working towards a common goal will give your parents and in-laws a sense of camaraderie and a chance to get to know each other better.
If your parents and your partner’s parents live nearby and enjoy each other’s company, invite them over occasionally for dinner or an activity. Chatting over a meal or playing ping-pong together can foster a sense of family bonding.
3
Ask your partner to help resolve conflicts with their parents. Your partner knows their family best, and they probably have a good idea of how to handle disagreements with their parents. If you or your family run into conflicts with your in-laws, ask your partner to step in and help you smooth things out.^{[10]XResearch source}
- You might say, "Honey, I think your Mom was a bit insensitive about my family's religious views. Would you mind talking to them about that so we can prevent problems in the future?"
4
Avoid expecting your parents and in-laws to become best friends. It’s great when parents and in-laws hit it off, but realistically, that’s not always possible. Do your best to ensure your parents get along with your partner’s parents when they get together, but don’t try to force a connection if it doesn’t happen naturally.
- Also, don't feel like it is a personal failing if your two families don't click. Remember, it is your relationship with your partner that is most important. Letting go of your expectations may help make it easier to accept whatever happens.
- If it's clear the two sides detest one another, you might consider only inviting both sides to big events. It might be nice to split holidays or vacations between families to keep down confusion.
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