How to Handle a Parent with PTSD

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1Supporting Your Parent

2Coping with their PTSD

3Taking Care of Yourself

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When a parent has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it can be difficult to interact with them. They might be a war veteran, survivor of sexual abuse, or crime victim among other things. You might long for the days before they developed the disorder or you may not have ever known your parent apart from their PTSD. Though this is difficult, you can work through it by supporting your parent, coping with and helping them manage the disorder, and taking care of yourself.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Supporting Your Parent

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   Connect with them regularly. When someone has PTSD, they might self-isolate, turn down or cancel plans, or just try to be alone as much as possible. However, social support protects against PTSD and can help to mitigate and lessen their symptoms drastically. Continue calling your parent regularly to check in, drop by to see them if you live nearby, and invite them to hangout with you.

   • Call them every few days and say something like “Hey Mom, what’s up? I was just thinking about you and wanted to call.” Engage them in an ordinary concrete conversation.
   • Encourage them to join a PTSD support group. Don't belabor it if they refuse, but also make sure to re-visit it at a later date.
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   Do normal things with them. Your parent may feel that they are losing their grip on life, including even the most mundane and normal of activities. Take some time to do regular, everyday activities with them to return some normalcy to their life and to your relationship. Take time to do tasks in particular that they are more skillful at than you or that require team effort; this will allow them to feel like a parent again.

   • Wash dishes, cook dinner, or walk the dog.
   • If your parent is good at making a particular dish, make that together.
   • Help them make new, positive memories as well.
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   Don’t pressure them to talk about their PTSD. When your parent has been triggered or seems depressed, don’t force them to talk to you about what’s going on. The disorder is likely a sore topic for them and they might even feel embarrassed about it. Always be available to lend a listening ear, but do not make them use it, as this will likely agitate them. They will talk to you when they feel ready.
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   Listen when they are ready. When your parent is ready, know that they will engage in conversation with you about their PTSD. When this happens, listen without judgement, without giving advice, and without waiting to respond. Give them your undivided attention.

   • Don’t look at the TV or your phone when they are speaking. Look them in the eye to show that you are engaged with the conversation
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   Rebuild trust and safety. Your parent’s PTSD might make them feel very on edge and paranoid, but if you work to establish trust between the two of you, they can feel more at ease when in your presence. Keep the promises that you make to them and express your commitment to helping them through this. Make plans with them and do things to minimize their stress at home.

   • Go over to their house and do some chores for them. Assist them when they ask for help.
   • Don't encourage them to go out if they are more comfortable at home.
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   Suggest individual or family therapy. Your parent’s PTSD might be escalating and perhaps you fear that they are at risk of hurting themselves or others or sinking into depression. Many therapists are trained to deal effectively with PTSD and can provide your parent with coping strategies and mechanisms to combat the disorder, like cognitive behavioral therapy. They might also prescribe them a medication.

   • Family therapy can also be helpful to repair any broken bonds between the two of you or to sort through the issues that the PTSD has caused.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Coping with their PTSD

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   Anticipate and manage triggers. Often times with PTSD, your parent will have certain triggers or will display certain behaviors to indicate that they have been triggered. Though you may not know exactly what these are, you can assess patterns. If your parent responds very intensely for instance to scenes of violence on TV, work to limit the amount of violence they see.

   • Check a movie’s synopsis and rating before going to see it; it might contain triggers for your parent.
   • Loud sounds and noises are often triggers as well. Do your best to keep the environment calm and serene.
   • Avoid bringing up triggering topics in conversation unless they broach the topic.
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   Talk to them about their triggers. Sometimes, you might feel very confused about the source of your parent’s triggers. Have an open and non-judgmental conversation with them to determine what sets them off so that you will know how to help them avoid it.

   • You might say something like “Hey Mom, I’ve noticed that sometimes you get triggered and I take a lot of time to think about it but can’t always understand why. Could you tell me what specifically triggers or upsets you?”
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   Help them in middle of a flashback. Those with PTSD are prone to having flashbacks, reliving the traumatic event that happened to them. Though these might feel scary to you, you can help your parent by telling them that they are having a flashback, asking them to look around the room to describe what they see, and helping them breathe deeply. These activities will help ground them, remind them that they are safe, and restore them to calmness.

   • Avoid any sudden movements during this time to avoid adding more chaos to their experience.
   • Be sure to ask before touching them during or after a flashback.
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   Give them space. Your parent’s PTSD might also make them more angry or hostile. If you see this happening and don’t foresee any healthy dialogue arising out of it, take a time-out from them. Avoid getting in their face or crowding them, as this could further incite or traumatize them. Give them, and also you, some necessary space and reconnect once everyone is calm.
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   Remain calm. During a flashback or bout of anger from your parent, it might be difficult to be calm, but it is vital to deescalating the situation. Try to remove your emotions as much as possible from the situation and focus on responding logically and peacefully. Take deep breaths to soothe yourself and step away from the situation for a moment if you can.

   • Call for help if necessary, particularly if you have a sibling nearby.
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   Communicate effectively with your parent. When speaking, particularly about their PTSD, use “I” statements such as “I feel scared when you yell”, don’t criticize them for their behavior, and seek solutions rather than constantly rehashing problems.

   • Be sure to listen actively as well and don’t interrupt them when they speak.
   • Try paraphrasing them so they know you are with them and understand.
   • Avoid shutting down emotionally or becoming defensive when your parent wants to talk.
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   Put your safety first. At the end of the day, you have to ensure that you are safe. Do what you can to avoid physical harm when your parent is having a flashback or a volatile moment. If you must, leave the home or call 911. If you feel that you might need to restrain your parent, do so.

   • Maintain a healthy distance from your parent when they begin acting erratically.
   • If you do not feel comfortable spending time with your parent alone, do so only in public or with another person.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Taking Care of Yourself

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   Set boundaries. It is important that in caring for your parent, that you do not forget to care for yourself. Set boundaries with your parent and with yourself on what you will and will not tolerate. For instance, perhaps your parent calls you drunk late at night and you find it difficult to go back to sleep and subsequently have a bad day at work. Tell your parent that you will not pick up phone calls past a certain hour or when they have been drinking.

   • Remind yourself that it is okay to step away from caring for your parent for a bit while you collect your thoughts and take care of yourself.
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   Develop your relationships beyond your parents. Though your parent may take up a significant amount of your time, don’t forget to attend to your other relationships. If you have a spouse or significant other, remember that your time with them is also very important. Talk to them about their needs and figure out a way to spend time together throughout the week.

   • Perhaps you agree to go on one date a week.
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   Care for your physical and mental health. Though you are caring for your parent and their needs, don’t forget to care for your own. Take time to exercise at least every other day, even if just for a 30 minute walk in your neighborhood. Perhaps do this exercise with a friend, partner, or with your parent so that you can spend time together while caring for your physical needs. Eat well and spend time in prayer or meditation.

   • Eat lots of fruits and vegetables and avoid binge eating.
   • Limit your alcohol intake and avoid drugs and cigarettes.
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   Remember the good times. You might feel that this disorder has definitively changed your parent for the worst and this could be weighing on you mentally and emotionally. However, while working to make new, positive memories, do not neglect or forget the old ones. Revisit your photo albums and talk with your parent about old times.

   • This will give your mind a break from the PTSD and reinvigorate your love for your parent.
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   Take time to be alone. Though your parent and your other relationships are important, remember that one of the most important relationships that you can have is with yourself. Take some time each day to be alone and to do something that you enjoy, even if it is simple or small. Read a book, watch a show, go to the movies alone, or even doing a chore like cleaning can be intensely relaxing and fulfilling.
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