How to Handle a Guilt Trip

Guilt trips are a poor communication technique. The reasons people use them vary, from limited social skills to feeling unheard to being an abuser who wants total control.^{[1]XResearch source} Unfortunately, they can breed resentment and harm relationships.^{[2]XResearch source} If guilt trips are a favorite weapon of someone you know, you can prepare ways to get around them.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Assuaging Their Concerns

Sometimes a guilt trip is a sign that someone doesn't feel heard. Active listening may calm them down so you can have a reasonable conversation.

1
Agree and apologize if their complaint is reasonable. Everybody messes up sometimes, so it's natural that you'll do something wrong from time to time. Agreeing with the person can stop a guilt trip in its tracks. If they feel like they heard your side of the story, they'll likely stop trying to tell it to you. Apologize, agree, commit to doing better, and then move on.
- "Yes, I wasn't thinking about how my actions would affect you. I'm sorry. Now that I understand, I'll know not to do it again."
- "You're right, it wasn't fair of me to expect you to do all the cleaning. I will help next time."
- "I'm sorry I forgot. My memory isn't great, and I'll work on writing down the important stuff to help me remember."
- "You're right. I broke my promise. I didn't mean to cause harm, but I did. I will work on keeping my word in the future."
2
Acknowledge the importance of the issue. Sometimes people use guilt trips because they're worried that you're not paying attention to something that they feel is important. Showing that you share their priorities can help stop the toxic behavior and redirect them towards a more productive topic (like brainstorming how to solve a problem).
- "I agree that getting this project to work is important. What do you think our priorities should be?"
- "Yes, your health is important. I can't control how you feel, but I do want to help you. What do you think are some ways to make your life less stressful?"
- "I can tell that you're going through a difficult time. What would make things easier on you?"
- "I don't understand what you're talking about, but I can see it's important to you. How can I help you?"
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3
Validate the underlying feelings. Sometimes, when people use guilt trips, they're really trying to express frustration or hurt. A little empathy may be all it takes to get them to calm down and start behaving better. Let them know that their feelings are valid and understandable.
- "I can tell that today has been a difficult day for you."
- "I can see you're unhappy about the state of the project."
- "You sound stressed."
- "I know this change has been hard on you."
- "It's okay to be frustrated. We're in a tough situation."
- "It sounds like you've been feeling lonely."
4
Thank them for their hard work. If the person tries to guilt you with their hard work, agree that they did a good job. This can defuse the situation and distract them from the guilt trip. Sometimes complaining about work is a sign of feeling unappreciated, so making an extra effort to show appreciation may fix everything.
- "Yes, I've noticed your excellent work on the project. I really like the color scheme you picked."
- "Yes, you did an excellent job cleaning the bathroom. It's my turn next week, right?"
- "I know you work so hard taking care of the kids, just like I work hard at my job. I hope you know how much I appreciate all the difficult work at home."
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Setting Boundaries

Guilt trips can involve overstepping, sometimes seriously. Setting boundaries can emphasize that it's not okay to treat you this way.

1
Ask "Are you trying to make me feel guilty?" Some people don't realize that they're guilt tripping you. They may be doing it without knowing that it's unhealthy behavior. If you ask this question, there are a few potential ways they'll react:^{[3]XResearch source}
- They'll get embarrassed and stop. This means you've successfully clued them in to their bad behavior. Then ask what the two of you can do to fix whatever is upsetting them.
- They'll deny it. If so, say "Oh, it sounded like you were for a moment." Then move to the problem-solving stage.
- They'll ignore it and keep pressing forward. You may have to repeat yourself until they change tactics.
- They'll throw a tantrum. At this point, you may have to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.
2
Explain how guilt trips make you feel. A well-meaning person isn't necessarily trying to strain the relationship, so they're likely to stop and apologize if you point out that they're upsetting you.
- "This is making me uncomfortable."
- "I feel really confused right now. I didn't know you wanted anything from me. If you don't tell me what you expect, then I can't meet your expectations."
- "Guilt trips make me feel uneasy and stressed."
- "When you guilt trip me, I feel frustrated and I end up bitter. Can we find a healthier way to talk about things?"
3
Empathize and then assert yourself. You can acknowledge their feelings while still maintaining your boundaries.^{[4]XResearch source} Try an empathizing or validating statement paired with an assertive statement. This helps them know that while they're allowed to feel their feelings, you still reserve the right to set reasonable boundaries and control your own actions.
- "I know it's not easy. I'm doing my best."
- "I know it's hard for you, but this is something I need to do for myself."
- "I know you want this, but it's just not possible for me right now."
4
Set clear boundaries and stick to them. You may need to use the broken record technique a few times until it sinks in. Set a reasonable boundary and don't budge.^{[5]XResearch source} Follow through afterwards to show that you mean what you say. Here are some examples:
- "I'm not available to work after 6 pm."
- "I can't come on Friday. But I'd be happy to set up a time to visit next week."
- "Mom, if you call me names, I will hang up the phone."
- "No, you can't have friends over today, because we will have dinner guests. But they could come over tomorrow."
5
Deflect accusations. You may feel like you want to defend yourself and change their opinion of you. But arguing won't fix it.^{[6]XResearch source} Instead, allow them to feel their feelings, without trying to change anything. If they're upset, you don't need to fix it. Stick to polite statements like:
- "I'm sorry you feel that way."
- "I'll consider that."
- "Maybe you're right."
- "Perhaps. But I still need the report first thing Friday morning."
6
Only apologize once for a mistake. A controlling person might try to get you to apologize again and again for something you did wrong. Refuse to keep apologizing for a mistake you've already atoned for. If they keep rehashing past mistakes, you can say:
- "Yes, and I apologized for that. Since then, I've made an effort to be on time."
- "Yes, I made a mistake two years ago. I learned from the experience and now I keep secrets unless there's a health or safety risk."
- "Yes, I made a mistake that I regret. Now I've learned from it and moved on."
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Encouraging Better Communication

1
Recognize reasons why people might use guilt trips. Sometimes people just don't know any better, while other times their intent is more sinister. Trying to understand why the person acts this way may help you understand how to handle their behavior.
- This is how they were raised, so it's how they learned to behave
- They lack the social skills to be assertive
- They have a serious fear of confrontation or rejection
- They feel like you won't listen to them
- They're trying to control you
2
Ask them to tell you what they want in the future. Sometimes people need to be reminded that it's okay to be politely direct with you.^{[7]XResearch source} Changing habits takes time, so be prepared to give reminders until they learn assertive communication.
- "I get confused when you drop hints. Please tell me what you'd like."
- "I won't be upset if you ask me to clean something. Next time, you can just ask me to do the dishes."
- "You don't have to drop hints with me. Just say that you're lonely and ask if I can hang out. I might say yes."
- "Are you trying to ask me for something? If so, you can say it and then I'll understand better."
3
Respond positively when they do try assertive behavior. Learning assertiveness takes time and effort. You can help the process along by acknowledging healthy communication and responding well to it. In time, they'll learn from experience that being assertive yields good results.
- "Thanks for telling me outright. Sure, I'm happy to put on headphones so you can study in peace."
- "Thank you for letting me know you're having trouble with it. What can I do to make it easier for you?"
- "Sure, that's not a problem! Happy to help."
- "I can't help you with that, but maybe Dad could."
4
Be prepared to leave a hopeless situation. You may not always be able to de-escalate a situation. If all else fails, or if you forget what to do, you can make an excuse and leave. Here are some examples of things you can say.
- "Let's circle back to this later."
- "I need to go."
- "I need some air."
- "Let me think about that and get back to you."
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